The Secret Lives of Cartoons
Sponge Bob has been outed. We won’t even talk about Tinky-Winky. And now Buster Baxter (co-star of “
Justifiably outraged, new Department of Education chief
If they only knew. The lives of cartoon characters are rife with secrets, scandals, and tales of depravity that could curl your hair. Here’s just a sample.
Mickeyand : Never legally married. Over the years Minnie Mouse Mickeyengaged in a series of sordid affairs (Snow White, Tinkerbelle, ). Annette Funicello Minniehas not been seen in public since 1962, leading to rumors that she’s gone completely insane (or possibly just fucking Goofy).
Lucille“ Lucy” Van Pelt: Operates a radical lesbian counseling service in Has been living with her life partner, Peppermint Patty, for nearly two decades. Provincetown, Mass.
: A notorious chickenhawk. Recently reached a six-figure settlement following a law suit brought by the parents of Tweety Bird. Woody Woodpecker
Boris& Natasha: Deeply into S&M. Those scars are the real thing.
The Roadrunner: Serious crank habit; rumored to operate a network of crystal meth labs in the greater Southwest.
Bugs Bunny, aka ‘Bugsy’: Notorious underworld figure who entered and later escaped the witness protection program after turning states witness against Sylvester ‘the Cat’ Gambini and
The list goes on. In fact, there’s only one cartoon appropriate for our nation's children. Thank God for Davey & Goliath.