Monday, September 25, 2006

One in Three Americans Believe Saddam Behind 9/11

Also unable to identify key body parts, form coherent sentences

Special to The WitList
25 September 2006

A New York Times/CBS News survey last week revealed that one in three Americans -- some 31% -- still believe Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks. This comes despite numerous public statements to the contrary by President Bush, including one last month when he virtually shouted that Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11 during a televised news conference.

The WitList has secretly obtained the raw data from that survey. It turns out pollsters asked several additional questions of that benighted 31% whose answers have never been revealed -- until now.

Survey Says

... when asked to locate their own buttocks, 63% pointed to a map of Brazil. However, 12% correctly identified Brasilia as their ass's capital.

.... 43% think Madonna (the singer) is the birth mother of Jesus (the savior). However, only 17% believe she is still a virgin.

.... 57% said they believe the earth is shaped like a pizza -- mostly flat with a raised lip around the edge so the fish don't fall off. More than half believe the continents were formed when pepperoni collided with molten cheese.

.... 72% declared they don't believe in evolution, global warming, or electricity. An additional 22% volunteered that they don't quite understand how Rush Limbaugh manages to get small enough to fit inside their car radios.

Of those surveyed, 73% identified themselves as Republican, 14% claimed to be independent, and the rest couldn't remember the question. All, however, said they watched Fox News religiously.

Monday, September 11, 2006

President Bush Not Responsible for 9/11

New study finds Clinton administration entirely to blame

Special to The WitList
11 September 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush was not asleep at the wheel on 9/11 and did not act cowardly or indecisive in the moments following the attack, according to a new study by The Bowtie Institute (BTI). The study was commissioned by the Youth With a Ministry evangelical group and prepared in conjunction with the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11."

"The President is entirely blameless for the tragic events that befell our country five years ago," says T. Phineas Gage, chief research scientist for BTI. "In fact, our research shows that the Clinton administration is responsible for every human tragedy since January 2001."

Gage says the liberal media continues to spin half truths and misconceptions about the President's behavior before and after 9/11.

The Liberal Spin: After the second tower was hit on the morning of September 11, 2001, President Bush continued to sit as if paralyzed for seven minutes while listening to Florida elementary students read "My Pet Goat."

The Facts: Mischievous second graders had glued the president's pants to the chair, and it took him that long to quietly work himself free. The grade schoolers in question were later discovered to be distant cousins of the Clinton clan. They have since been re-enrolled at Guantanamo Bay Prep.

The Liberal Spin: After the attacks, the President disappeared for several hours, leaving New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani as the only national political figure not cowering under a desk.

The Facts: The President's failure to make an appearance was due to mechanical difficulties with Air Force One. During times of national crisis, the plane's sat-nav system had been programmed to make random stops at airforce bases near the homes of Clinton's old girlfriends. The 'Emergency Booty Call' routine has since been de-activated.

The Liberal Spin: More than a month before the attacks, President Bush received a briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in US."

The Facts: This briefing was misinterpreted due to a mistake by a White House typist originally hired during the Clinton Administration. The memo actually said "Obama," not Osama, causing the president to order 24/7 surveillance on Senator Barack Obama. The surveillance continues to this day.

The Liberal Spin: Despite numerous requests by then anti-terrorism czar Richard Clark, the Bush Administration held exactly one cabinet level meeting to discuss the threat from 'al Qaeda' -- one week before 9/11.

The Facts: In addition to removing all the "w's" from computer keyboards prior to President Bush's arrival, Clinton staffers also removed the 'Q' pages from the White House's English-to-Arabic dictionaries. Confusion over whether the correct spelling was "qaeda," "queda," or "qa'ida" caused a tragic delay in scheduling the meetings.

The Liberal Spin: U.S. forces had Osama Bin Laden surrounded in Tora Bora in December 2001 yet failed to attack, allowing the mastermind of 9/11 to get away scot free.

The Facts: The BTI has obtained classified video footage showing President Clinton parachuting into the mountains on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border and putting his body between Bin Laden and U.S. forces. Subsequent footage shows the former commander in chief hugging Bin Laden and giving him noogies.

Gage says the report was based on the findings of the 9/11 commission and several blogs he found while searching for nude pictures of Ann Coulter. The BTI is currently putting the final touches on its next report, titled "Hurricane Katrina: A Disaster of Clintonian Proportions."

Friday, September 08, 2006

A Letter to Bob Iger, CEO, Disney

Dear Bob:

First, I want to say thanks for deciding to air "The Path to 9/11" on the ABC network this weekend. It's a rare opportunity to see Disney's political bias out in the open. Usually when major US corporations attempt to manipulate the political process to their advantage they do it more covertly. I'm glad to see you guys wearing your politics on your sleeves.

It isn't every day a major television network takes the most horrific event in the past 50 years and fictionalizes it for the benefit of its friends in the White House. How brave of you. How patriotic.

I'm sure it will be highly educational for all of the schoolchildren you've co-opted into watching with the help of Scholastic. I haven't seen such a smooth effort to influence our nation's children since RJ Reynolds introduced Joe Camel and put him on billboards outside elementary schools. Nice work.

Thanks also for deciding to run the show without commercial interruption, making it impossible for those misguided few who disagree with the program to boycott its sponsors. I understand the show will cost $40 million. I'm sure the grieving families of the 2,973 Americans who died on that day will appreciate Disney's sacrifice.

I also want to thank you for making my life easier. No longer will I have to worry about watching ABC programs (not that I watched many to begin with) or buying Disney products. Frankly, the movies and TV shows mostly suck, though I will miss Pixar and The Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

I won't have to write about Disney products. No more casual references to "Desperate Housewives," no reviews of Disney phones, MP3 players, computers, games, etc. in the stories I write for national magazines and Websites. My life will be blissfully Disney free.

Best of all, I no longer have to go to Disneyworld! Thank the Lord. My kids will be upset, but they'll get over it eventually. And I'll save thousands of dollars that I can put toward my children's education. Maybe they'll learn how to tell fact from fiction, or how to recognize when someone is lying to them for their own selfish ends. That would be yet another good thing that comes out of your program. And again, I'll have you to thank for it.


Dan Tynan
Former customer

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