Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Assaulted McCain Campaign Worker Turns Other Cheek
Vows to forgive herself for vicious attack, but still blames Obama
PITTSBURGH, PA -- A McCain volunteer who claims to have been carved up by an Obama supporter has changed her story.
Ashley Todd admitted to police that she was in fact her own assailant. The 20-year-old campaign worker from Texas says she pinned herself to the ground, verbally abused herself, punched herself in the eye, and carved a capital B into her right cheek with a paper clip.
The fact that the B had been carved backwards, as if done while looking in a mirror, was a clue that her original story was perhaps not all that it seemed, noted police officials.
Since Todd's confession six more McCain campaign volunteers have come forward with claims that they too were forced into self mutilation by the Obama campaign. Several sported large B's and O's on various parts of their faces; one victim claimed she had endured three hours of
torture forceful interrogation while she patiently carved "Hussien" into her own buttocks, then crossed it out and started over when she realized she'd misspelled it.
The McCain campaign pledged immediate assistance, offering to donate a $4,000 Donna Karen tweed jacket and three pairs of $1000 Versace pumps to each of the hapless victims, provided they were all a size 6.
McCain spokesperson Joe T. Plumber blamed the Obama campaign for the outrage.
"Only real Americans in real America would carve themselves up like Halloween pumpkins to fight the terrorist Barack Hussein Obama," noted Plumber. "If not for Barack Obama's campaign, these patriots would not have been forced to endure this punishment."
In other news: Barack Obama received yet another unexpected endorsement from a leading Republican today when Senator John McCain declared that he too would be voting for the Democratic candidate.
"I was for Obama before I was against him," said the aging ex POW. "A lot of people don't remember that."
Lawn Sign of the Times
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
GOP Defends Palin Clothes Bill as 'Economic Stimulus Package'
Veep candidate's $150,000 spending spree just a drop in the bucket, say Republicans
By Dan Tynan
WASILLA, AK -- The Politico Blog has revealed that the Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 since last August making Governor Sarah Palin look "vice presidential."
However, officials for the RNC defended the expenditures as an "important stimulus package" for sectors of the U. S. economy that needed it most -- the couture and cosmetic counters at some of our nation's toniest department stores.
Personal shoppers for the would-be VP racked up nearly $50,000 in bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in New York and St. Louis, and more than $75,000 in a one-day shopping spree at a Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis. That works out to an average of $2500 a day, or a rating of 4.25 on the John Edwards Haircut Scale.
Included in the costs was $4,716.49 on hair and makeup during the month of September. GOP officials defended the expenditure as necessary due to the rigors of the campaign and the difficulty of maintaining Palin's image as "Caribou Barbie."
"Have you ever tried to get lipstick to stay on a pit bull?" an official remarked. "We have to slap the stuff on with a trowel."
The WitList has obtained a photograph (right) of what the nation's Hottest Governor looks like without her makeup.
Palin's supporters urged the RNC to continue spending whatever it takes to maintain the candidate's status as #1 MILF.
"Hell, she looks hot, and that's all I care about," said Joe the Plumber (note: not an actual plumber). "I'd even give up the opportunity to own my own business if I could make sure she stays that hot."
Joe Six Pack could not be reached for comment.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
John McCain: Space Alien
Last week's final presidential debate revealed what some of us have suspected for a long time.
John McCain is an alien cleverly disguised as a human.
In the photo captured by Reuters photographer Jim Bourg (above), McCain revealed that he is in fact a member of a distant reptilian race sent to earth to complete total world domination. Careful study of the photo reveals that McCain is in fact an agent for the GORN species, first witnessed in Star Trek (The Original Series) episode #19, "The Arena."
Suffering from low blood sugar after a tense and nasty debate, McCain spied a large moth lighting on Obama's back and instinctively lunged for it, forgetting for a moment that the cameras were still on.
The GORN seek to strip the Earth of all its natural resources and implant their eggs into all terrestrial women, creating a race of cold-blooded lizard-brained humanoids -- thus their natural affinity for the Republican Party.
It has been revealed that Sarah Palin is carrying a GORN baby, and will return to the reptilians' home planet during the final throes of labor to deliver the child.
The GORN operate under the direction of the Grand Overlord of the Reptilian Nation, known to most terrestrials as Dick Cheney.
Monday, October 13, 2008
McCain Renames "Straight Talk Express"
Campaign bus now dubbed Hate Talk Express
SEDONA, Arizona -- In an effort to reflect the changing tenor of the McCain Palin juggernaut, officials inside the McCain campaign announced they are changing the name of the McCain bus from the Straight Talk Express to the Hate Talk Express.
"It's time to formally acknowledge our strategy to bring reform to Washington, DC, by viciously attacking our opponent," said a McCain campaign official who was too busy liquidating his stock portfolio to offer his name.
In a town hall meeting in this southwestern resort, McCain urged his followers to stop calling Senator Barack Obama a terrorist, Muslim, homeboy, spear chucker, waterman eater, jiggaboo, and Senator Sambo Osama.
"But if they want to exercise their First Amendment rights," said the candidate, "that's their cross to burn-- er, bear."
McCain went on to slam Senator Obama for being a dangerously inexperienced radical who wants to socialize health care for millions of middle income Americans when he should be socializing banking for thousands of extremely wealthy Americans.
The GOP candidate contrasted Obama with running mate Sarah Palin, praising her pragmatic stances on state secession, the use of gubernatorial powers to settle family disputes, and her ability to kill, render, and dress an eight-point buck without smearing her lipstick.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
US Removes North Korea from Terror List, Adds Alaska
Special to The WitList
According to officials at the US State Department, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has met all of the requirements for being delisted from the Axis of Evil, including persuading North Korean leader Kim Jong-il to change his name to Joe Camel to make it easier for President Bush to pronounce.
However, state department officials filled the slot created by the country's removal with Alaska, citing a growing threat from a landmass more than 12 times the size of Korea.
Though the 49th state has no known nuclear weapons program, it is ruled by an unstable leader who recognizes no legal limits on her power and seems determined to achieve world domination, noted a state department official who wished to remain anonymous. Governor For Life Sar Ah Pal-in commands nearly 4000 national guard troops, making it the 47th largest standing army in the nation.
"Besides, she can see Russia from her backyard," said the official. "That puts her right next door to the largest nuclear arsenal on the planet."
Governor Pal-in has been known to target political enemies and draws large, angry mobs wherever she appears. In a statement, the governor denied allegations that she has abused her powers and threatened to fire anyone who claimed otherwise.
Todd Pal-in, First Consort to the Governor, said the terror listing will make little difference to Alaskans, who own an average of 27 guns apiece. "We were gonna secede from the union, like, any day now anyway," he said. "Just as soon as moose hunting season is over."
Friday, October 03, 2008
Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart
This is just too good. Anyone who watched the Biden-Palin "debate" last night can tell you how spot on this is. Biden was debating. Not sure what Palin was doing. But this chart captures it all:
I believe blogger Aden Nak is the creator of this gem. Stand up and take a bow, Aden.