The WitList

My official apology to the Tea Party

2011-10-24T20:02:00.020-04:00

After careful consideration, and too much time spent arguing with the dregs of the Drudge Report, I have decided I owe the Tea Party and its thousands of mouth-breathing members an apology after all. In fact, I owe them several apologies. But probably not the ones they're looking for. Here goes.

Dear Tea Party:

I'm sorry you seem to lack a sense of humor. Because you are a source of great amusement to the rest of us.
I'm sorry you feel the US Constitution is under attack, even though most of you have never read it, those of you who have read it don't seem to understand it, and the rest of you have trouble spelling the word "Constitution."

I'm sorry all you Real Americans have to put up with all us Fake Americans, even though our ancestors all came here from the same places at more or less the same times and we all do more or less the same things every day. That must be really irritating to you.

I'm sorry you may have to vote for a black guy after all. Lucky for you he's even a more of a reactionary bigot than many of you. Just pretend he's another white guy wearing blackface, it will go down easier.

I'm sorry Sarah's not running. That would be really fun to watch. And then just really sad.
I'm sorry the Mexicans want to flood our borders and steal all those high-paying jobs busing tables, picking lettuce, cleaning houses and mowing lawns. I'm sorry you don't get the chance to do all of those fun things.

I'm sorry you missed the parts in American History class about how the founding fathers did not actually end slavery or that Paul Revere warned the colonists, not the British. Also that bit in the Constitution about no state imposed religions. Facts just suck sometimes, don't they?

I'm sorry Wal-Mart is forced to pay minimum wage. People should be paying them just for the privilege of working there. I'm sure if your guy wins he'll find a way to kill the minimum wage. I understand slavery is making a big comeback.

I'm sorry there's no spellchecker for protest placards.

I'm sorry that 47% of Americans are too poor to pay Federal Income Tax. If they were really smart and ambitious they'd be too rich to pay Federal Income Tax.

I'm sorry the rich have to pay any taxes at all. I'm sure if your guy gets elected next time they'll take care of that.

I'm sorry for Welfare, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and every other government program that keeps the poor, the sick, and the elderly off the street. Because that's what America needs more than anything -- streets full of poor sick old people.

I'm sorry God loves only you. On the other hand, think how overcrowded Heaven would be if all of us got to go.
I'm sorry that if Jesus were on earth today He'd take one look at you and run screaming in the opposite direction. Hey, you did ask What would Jesus do?, didn't you? I can't lie about Jesus.

I'm sorry Obama's long-form birth certificate isn't long enough or formal
enough for you. Maybe they make an extra long extra formal one.
I'm really really sorry about Donald Trump's hair. It must be embarrassing for you to be on the same side with someone whose head looks like an orangutan's ass.

I'm sorry the streets are filled with angry protestors who hate America, employing the same tactics (and Constitutional rights) as angry protestors who love America, because aside from the lack of grammatical errors on their signs it's kind of hard to tell the difference.

I'm sorry we elected a Socialist Muslim Nigerian as president. I'm even sorrier some of you truly believe that.

I'm sorry Joe McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover aren't still around. They'd be proud of you. The rest of us? Not so much.

Dear Tea Party: Please die.

2011-10-24T19:54:00.006-04:00

It appears I have angered and upset the Tea Party. Heaven forfend.

It turns out you don’t have to do very much to piss off the teabaggers. All you need to do is make a stupid joke at their expense to have your inbox, blog comments fields, and Tweetstream filled with mindless hate and misspelled vitriol.

A few days ago I posted a blog entry on ITworld (later picked up by PCworld) about Facebook and its phonebook. Here’s what I wrote:

You know how it goes on Facebook – somebody you don’t know asks to be your friend, you look over their friends list, decide they probably aren’t an axe murderer or a Tea Party member, and you say Yes, because Facebook is a fairly low risk, low maintenance connection. And if they prove to be truly annoying you can always block or defriend them later.

Not exactly Jon Stewart, I admit. But hey, if anybody deserves to be treated like buffoons …. And it’s my Facebook profile; I do reject people who look like crazy-ass conservatives, just as I am sure the crazies run screaming from me.

That apparently was enough to incite a very tsk-tsk story from Newsbusters’ Ken Shepherd, as well as a copycat piece from The Examiner’s Joe Newby (yes, seriously). And of course, the usual howling from the teabag chorus. It must have been a slow news day in Wingnutville.

So I apologized via Twitter thusly:

“ok, I apologize. to the axe murderers. you tea party guys need to develop a sense of humor. but I doubt it will happen."

Some of the Tea Party faithful were inspired enough to try and leave a comment on my business blog and contacted me via my Twitter page. Here’s a representative sampling:

First up: John S. Murphy:

Nice, insulting those of us that read your publications but don't agree with your politics. There are other options so I guess I won't have to read your screed in the future.

By the way, aren't you just a bit old to have an avatar?

A fairly typical response: I don’t agree with your politics, so now I will never read you again. Nice open mind you got there, Johnny. Also: If you’re looking at my avatar, how the frak do you know how old I am?

It gets uglier. Now we have one Jeffrey D. Davis. He writes:

Go fuck yourself you buttfucked faggot. A useful idiot who infests the democRAT trailer park such as yourself wouldn't make a wart on a Tea Partier's ass.

Dear Jeff: Given your raging homophobia, I’ll bet you’ve seen way more warty Tea Party ass than I have. Just a guess.

Now Philip James:

Hey, I feel the same way about people like you.... you are slightly obnoxious and self-important... which is apparently what you think about Tea Party people... amazes me how narcissistic liberals like you can be, to the point of appearing really stupid and ignorant.

So, just to be clear: You feel the same way I do about people like me, which means you must also be really obnoxious, self-important, narcissistic, stupid and ignorant. Did I miss anything?

One brave Teabagger used no name and a fake gmail address to offer this:

Wonder if Tynan the Obamabot would have lumped Obama in with the axe murderers? Your hypocrisy reeks, just like your articles...

Yes, but my breath is still minty fresh, thanks to these ObamaMints I’ve planted under my ObamaTongue.

Jerry Goodwin had this to say

For years,k I received emails from PC World, daily and weekly. As a member of the TEA PARTY I hereby unsubscribe from these articles.
You have no respect for the TEA PARTY members, I have no respect for you nor PC World. GOODBYE!

We’ll miss you Jerry. Don’t forget to take your teeth with you when you go.

On Twitter, JerseyRight tweets:

@tynan_on_tech excellent on tech privacy, idiotic on politics bad choice of forum. Not renewing 2 gift renewals now as a result.

So I guess I shouldn’t be expecting anything from you at Christmas, eh? I was kinda hoping for an autographed picture of Snooki.

SaucyChica, who quite accurately describes herself as a “foul-mouthed conservative bitch,” tweets:

Stick to writing about gadgets you leftist limp dick. Why are all you homosexuals so catty?

Because all people who hate the Tea Party must be gay (us and that Jeffrey D. Davis guy). Damn, you discovered our secret. So much for those plans of world domination, followed by world redecorating.

Some creature calling itself BarneyFrankenbama (Twitter description: “America, F#@K Yeah!”) had this lovely contribution:

Dan Tynan loves watching kiddie porn on his computer. See how this works? Not fun anymore is it? #developasenseofhumor

Here’s a FAQ on US libel statutes. See how these work?

RevDrEBuzz (whose Twitter page exclaims: “I wear great slacks and dacron shirts, chicks are always interested in me, and what I have to offer them, even beyond conversation”) required three separate tweets to fully vent his spleen …

"you tea partiers" You liberals need to learn that it's not nice to be such a whiny douchebag, of Olbermannian proportions.

sense of humor...yes, like liberals such as yourself have about Obama...RACIST! you scream...spare me, douche.

it is putzes like you, effete douches, who have demolished California. Hows it feel to be such a braindead liberal?

Yes, it’s true, I single handedly demolished California (not the recently retired Republican governator), even though I live and work 3000 miles away. I am that powerful. But thanks for the tip about those Dacron shirts – I bet they really drive the chicks wild.

What are all these people so pissed off about, exactly? Oh right – losing in 2008. And maybe, just maybe, having a black/liberal* man as president.

Small government, fiscal responsibility, and respect for the Constitution? I have no problem with any of that. And if these folks were out there four, six, eight years ago howling about the growth of government, massive deficits, and the complete subversion of the Constitution in favor of the executive branch, I might have some respect for them.

But they weren’t. Because that’s not what this is about. This is about using irrationality and rage as a political weapon. Because I had the temerity to make a small joke, they directed the firehose at me. That’s ok, I can take it.

And please, TPers, don’t read anything I write ever again. That’ll show me.

* Liberalness not guaranteed.

PS: To the anonymous Teabaggers who've been contacting my editors and trying to get me fired, stop acting like cowards and address me directly.

Farrah Fawcett - 1947 - 2009

2009-06-25T21:17:00.001-04:00

There will never be another like her.

Report: 1 in 7 Republican Terrorists Return to Battlefield

2009-05-24T12:39:00.001-04:00

Recidivist GOP-hadists may pose grave threat to Constitution

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList
According to a newly declassified Pentagon report, 14 percent of former Bush Administration officials have returned to actively terrorizing Americans.

Of the 534 members of the Bush inner circle with policy making responsibilities, 74 have returned to the fight after being released from custody at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, according to two administration officials who spoke on condition of anonymity.

The most prominent of these is former vice president Dick Cheney, who has been waging a terror campaign on the nation from an undisclosed location outside of Washington DC.

Aided by news networks and think tanks closely aligned with the GOP Jihad, the Republican Guard leader has been actively defending ~~Bush~~ Cheney administration policies promoting ~~torture~~ enhanced interrogation techniques and detention of suspects ~~for eating felafels~~ without probable cause.

The report may serve to strengthen the belief that as the Bush Administration drew to a close, the former vice president should have been set adrift on a ice floe in the Arctic Ocean, along with a loaded shotgun and his personal vault. That plan was rejected by EPA officials concerned that Cheney's presence would prove harmful to endangered species of polar bears.

Officials said recidivism among lifelong terrorists is not uncommon, but they're rarely seen an example quite like the former vice president, who also goes by the name al- Aying Mullah Fuqa.

“Most people with any sense know when it's time to go,” said one official. “But some people can only see and hear themselves. It's an ego thing. They really do believe the world revolves around them.”

Image of Shiek al-Dick courtesy of Village Voice blogs.

Interview with the Missing Link

2009-05-20T14:55:00.001-04:00

By Dan Tynan

Earlier this week, researchers rocked the world with news of the elusive “missing link.” A 47-million-year-old fossil named Darwinius masillae -- informally known as “Ida” -- has been declared the long-sought cross between the lemur and ape branches of the evolutionary tree, solidifying Darwin's theories. But Ida's discovery is not without controversy, and may ultimately raise more questions than it answers.

I managed to secure an exclusive interview with Ida via her publicist, shortly after her story was revealed. Here's what she had to say.

How does it feel to be declared the missing link?

It's really a mixed blessing. I'm mean, obviously I'm flattered. It isn't every day people hail you as proof of probably the most controversial theory to ever hit science. But after spending 47 million years at the bottom of a bog the attention is a little overwhelming. Thank God I agreed to that media training or I'd be in totally over my head.

I must say for a 47-million-year-old you look exceedingly well preserved.

Thank you. Moisturizing is really key. Also eating right. While it's a little embarrassing to have the contents of your stomach analyzed, there's something to be said for a diet of leaves, fruits, and seeds.

What's been the reaction so far?

I knew my coming out would be big news, but I never really expected this. I mean, a book? A TV special? I've already got my own Wikipedia page and two groups on Facebook. My agent is talking to Oprah's people right now, so that's also a possibility.

Personally, I really never thought my short limbs and fingernails were all that special – they're simply a part of who I am. It was Jorn – my paleontologist, Jorn Hurum – who convinced me I had it takes to fill the gap in the evolutionary chain between apes and lemurs. “Star power,” is what he called it. Really that kind of talk just embarrasses me. At heart I'm just a simple four-limbed primate with opposable thumbs.

Surely not everyone is happy with your sudden appearance.

No kidding. The hate mail has already started pouring in. It's disconcerting to find out how many people really do believe the earth is only 6000 years old. I thought humanity would have evolved just a little bit more than that, you know? It seems natural selection was more selective than Darwin thought.

Listen, I expect a lot of conservative bloggers and anti-evolutionists to go digging into my private life. I fell into a mud pit when I was 9 months old. What kind of dirt do they think they're going to find? What really burns me is the reaction from some scientists. They're calling me a fraud and Jorn a charlatan. Personally, I just think they're jealous because he found me and they didn't. Can you say Nobel Prize? I think you can.

So what's next for the world's most famous fossil?

'I'm going to DisneyWorld.' Ka-ching! But seriously. I'd like to travel the world talking to children about the importance of a science education and also a little bit about personal hygiene. You really do need to take care of yourself. You may end up being around a lot longer than you'd planned.

A Tale of Two Farmers

2009-04-22T09:40:00.001-04:00

One day a man buys a farm. He doesn't know much about farming, the woods around him are wild and he doesn't trust his neighbors, so he decides to get a dog. He finds the meanest scariest dog in the world, something that's half pit bull, half Doberman, with maybe a little dingo thrown in. This animal has sharp teeth and a fearsome bark. This is one mean dog. The man thinks he is safe.

One day not long after, a fox breaks into the henhouse while the dog is sleeping and slaughters all the chickens. After the fox has gotten safely away, the dog wakes up, starts barking and won't stop. He chases after the fox but stops before he gets very far. He begins to bite other dogs just because of what they look like. He runs down the street to harass a tired old hound, chews through the fence, digs up the lawn, and eventually kills the ancient mutt.

The farmer assures his neighbors that his dog is the only thing keeping them all safe. But every day that dog craps on a new neighbor's lawn, and every night his howling robs them of sleep.

After eight long years the farm finally fails. The bank forecloses, and the man is evicted. On his way out he has the dog put down. The neighbors openly rejoice.

A new farmer arrives. He begins to fix up the place -- patch the holes in the roof, prop up the barn that had started to collapse, restock the larder which the old farmer had picked clean. After the farm starts to get back in working order the new farmer goes hat in hand to his neighbors' houses, one by one. To each neighbor he says the same thing.

“I'm sorry about that old dog,” he says. “I'm sorry he dug up your lawns and crapped all over them. I'm sorry his howling kept you up at night and that he caused so much damage. I know it was wrong, and I'll try to do better with my new dog.”

The old farmer still had some friends left -- not many, just a handful. After the new farmer left they turned to each other. “Boy,” they said, “that new guy sure must hate dogs.”

Shocking New Evidence reveals Michelle Bachmann is Batboy

2009-03-29T17:14:00.001-04:00

Minnesotan Republican actually mythical half bat/half human creature

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

The WitList has received conclusive evidence that Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (above left), who recently appeared on Fox News and called upon her right-wing followers to start an "orderly revolution" against the Marxist Obama regime, is in fact the elusive creature known as Batboy (right).

Bachmann narrowly won reelection to Minnesota's Sixth District last fall after accusing her Democratic opponents of being anti-American. She was first elected to the House in 2006. Opponents have often accused the controversial Bachmann of being a bit batty, never realizing just how true that was.

Batboy first appeared on the cover of The Weekly World News in June 1992. His whereabouts have been a matter of conjecture for several years, though he did announce an aborted run for the governorship of California in 2003. It is not known whether Batboy underwent gender reassignment surgery before assuming the name Michelle and running for Congress.

Representatives for Bachmann/Batmann declined to comment for this article.

My Resignation Letter to AIG

2009-03-26T23:52:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Liddy:

It is with deep regret that I submit my resignation from AIG and its fine financial services division. Like Jake DeSantis, the author of the resignation letter recently published in the New York Times, I wish to offer some context as to the nature of my decision.

I am proud of everything I've done to help bring capitalism to the brink of collapse. But I want you to know I do not accept responsibility for the loss of trillions of dollars invested 401K plans and retirement accounts. Which isn't to say I was not to blame, but merely to say I accept no responsibility.

Nonetheless I feel betrayed by AIG, slandered by the media, and unfairly persecuted by government officials. I can no longer perform my duties in a dysfunctional environment where the odds of skimming a massive return off the savings of millions of hard-working Americans have dwindled to practically zero.

We've never met so I thought you should know a little bit about me. Mine is a truly an American success story. I was raised by carnies who worked the midway in a broken-down circus run by Russian mobsters. We lived on borscht and stale popcorn. On Christmas morning our big treat was being allowed to lick the inside of an empty bag of barbecued pork rinds.

Yet I persevered. Thanks to a summer job selling Everglades real estate and a scholarship from the Charles S. Ponzi foundation, I put myself through MIT, earning a degree in Applied Mathematics as it Relates to Improbable Investment Opportunities.

In 1998 I got a job on Wall Street. I spent years devising investment instruments based on algorithms so complicated even I don't understand how they work. All I remember is you take the national debt of Bolivia, fold in the accounts receivables from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles franchises, divide by Pi, and collect 12.5 percent off the top in service fees.

I worked 10, 12, 14 hours a day, seven days a week, making AIG the economic powerhouse it is today. The sacrifices were enormous. Sometimes I went months without seeing my mistress.

Just as you did, Mr. Liddy, I agreed to take on the job of dismantling my division, working for a pitiable salary of just $1 a year and the promise of a multi-million-dollar payout at the end of my contract. After salting away $5 to $10 million a year for the past decade, you must admit that's quite a hefty pay cut.

I know that because of my hard work I have benefited more than most during the economic boom and that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current bust. It's true that my suits cost more than the average monthly income of 87 percent of Americans and what I spend on lattes alone could feed a third-world nation. What can I say? It's great to be me.

As I feel I have done nothing wrong – certainly nothing that anyone else making money by the assload on Wall Street would consider to be wrong – I am not motivated to surrender my earnings. None of us should be cheated out of our payments any more than a plumber should be cheated after he has repaired the toilet only to find out that the other plumbers have stolen all the copper pipes and the electrician has gotten whacked after the general contractor found him screwing his wife. Wait, sorry, that was a Soprano's episode. I get these things confused sometimes.

However, my intent is to keep none of the money myself. Instead, I have decided to donate 100 percent of the effective after-tax proceeds to those who are suffering the most from the global economic downturn. I am speaking of course of the hard working girls at Madame Wong's House of Happy Endings, in whose company I have spent many happy hours in a state of extreme lubrication.

Hey, I didn't give jumbo mortgages to crack ho's and meth heads. I just built multi-billion dollar investment vehicles out of them. Don't blame me because your pension fund invested in it.

I wish you luck Mr. Liddy in your continuing efforts to return the money so generously extended by American taxpayers and in whittling our once proud company down to a nub. But after what's happened over the past two weeks I can no longer be a part of this effort.

I've already obtained a fake passport, had face-altering plastic surgery, and at this moment am jetting off to an undisclosed island with several million dollars in gold bullion and my man-servant Rudolfo. Catch me if you can, motherfuckers.

Sincerely,

Dan Tynan

Limbaugh More Popular Than Staph, Poll Says

2009-03-18T14:34:00.002-04:00

Right wing talk show host leads Pelosi, trails serial killers

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList

In a national poll, CBS News reports that the fresh new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, received a favorable rating of 19%. That's slightly below the 22% registered by departing President George W. Bush last January, but better than former vice president Dick Cheney (13%) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (18%).

A closer look at the numbers, however, reveals a slightly different story. For example, Limbaugh is more popular than the majority of bacterial infections. The rotund radio host scored higher than staph (13%) and streptococcus (17%), but lower than painful rectal itch (22%).

Limbaugh fared much better among residents of trailer parks (44%), the morbidly obese (57%), members of the Oxycontin rehab community (42%), individuals whose parents were first cousins when they married (47%), and regular viewers of Fox News (98%).

“We lack Rush cuz he's be one of us,” survey respondent Wanda Dohicky of Marfarr, Kansas, said of Limbaugh, who earns a reported $33 million a year and has been known to light his trademark cigars with stolen welfare checks.

The porcine populist still lags behind Charles Manson, the Son of Sam, and John Wayne Gacy (all tied at 24%), but remains ahead of comedian Gilbert Gottfried (7%).

Republican party officials contacted for this story were last seen attempting to commit seppuku rather than comment.

A New Modest Proposal

2009-03-17T09:40:00.001-04:00

For Preventing the Very Rich from Being a Burden to Their Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

The Dow is still dour and the stimulus is anything but stimulating. Government bailouts are now on a scale that would appall the staunchest fans of FDR and LBJ -- and still we're told it's not enough. Soup kitchens and bread lines are looking less like yesterday's newsreels and more like tomorrow's news. Even China doesn't think our money is worth the paper it's printed on.

Meanwhile, conservatives decry the growth of socialism while stuffing as much federal booty into their pockets as they can. I say, for once, the conservatives are right. Bailouts and stimulus packages are the wrong approach. We can neither buy nor spend our way out of this economic apocalypse.

There is a solution, however – an obvious one, when you start to think about it.

Forget socialism. Think cannibalism.

It is time, finally, to eat the rich.

Imagine it. In one move we could quell the bubbling rage Americans feel at Wall Street's insatiable greed while feeding thousands of deserving souls. Eating the rich would make Jon Stewart's treatment of Jim Cramer look like a happy ending at Madame Wong's House of Oriental Massage. It would feel good and taste good at the same time.

Remember the French Revolution? It too was preceded by financial crisis. Two draining wars had left the country bankrupt, and the nobility had rigged the rules to avoid paying taxes. After centuries of abuse, the peasants took matters – and many of their blue-blooded patrons – into their own hands.

Substitute Bernie Madoff for Louis the 16th, AIG's Edward Liddy for Marie Antoinette, a set of Ginsu steak knives for the guillotine, and voila! An all-you-can-eat buffet of the finest Americans America has to offer.

True, the French did not cook and eat their former overlords. But then, consider their bathing habits. Bad now, worse then. I'm talking freshly showered, highly pampered American flesh unsullied by the rigors of hard labor, with a sprinkling of coriander and a hint of fresh basil.

It's the perfect recipe for our troubled times.

Consider these numbers. An average 180-pound adult male provides roughly 70 to 80 pounds of meat, or about 300 McDonalds Quarter Pounders. Given the corpulence of the rich, one would expect even greater returns – for Rush Limbaugh, say, triple that amount.

Sweetbreads like the brain, pancreas, and kidneys would stretch the rich's food value even further. (However, I'd recommend avoiding the liver. No matter how much you love paté, the volume of toxins you're likely to encounter in the livers of the obscenely rich are almost certainly fatal.)

Once we've disposed of their carcasses, what remains are their assets. The Forbes 400 – or, as I like to think of them, the Quarter Pounder 120,000 -- controls over $1.5 trillion in assets alone. That would pay for 47.2 million new teachers, based on the average starting salary of $31,753. It would buy health care for 190 million Americans, based on average annual costs of $7900 per person. It would buy a hell of a lot of fries and still have money left over for millions of McSlurries.

We could feed the hungry, employ millions, shore up our nation's crippled educational system, care for those who can't afford to care for themselves, and all it would cost us is 400 lousy billionaires and a handful of Weber grills. A bargain at twice the price.

Expand this progam to the top 1 percent of Americans – who control over a third of our nation's wealth – and the benefits increase exponentially. Those 3 million Americans could feed the other 297 million for months; spreading their assets evenly over the general population would effectively give everyone a massive bump in salary, expanding discretionary spending by an order of magnitude. Recession? Stagnant GDP? Dwindling dollar? Gone in a heartbeat. It's boom times all over again.

And when these people pay their taxes (because the poor and middle class largely do pay their taxes), there will be money to repair our crumbling infrastructure and ensure the security of our financial system. It's a win win all around.

Naturally, some will object to this proposal on moral grounds. The taboo against consuming human flesh is strong. But gross immorality is what got us here in the first place. The bankers and brokers who brought our economy to the brink of collapse had no qualms about cannibalizing our future and no limits to their gluttony. They've been face down in the trough while millions lost their jobs, their homes, and their hope.

I don't think we'd need to eat all of the rich. A few well orchestrated meals would likely convince the rest to stop acting like swine. They could start by giving the money back.

History doesn't lie. When the people have finally had enough, they rise. When they get angry enough, taboos slip away. Whether they march on the Bastille with torches and pitchforks or on Bear Stearns with knives and salad forks, the result is the same. Blood flows just as easily as money.

It's food for thought.

-- The WitList (with apologies to the ghost of Jonathan Swift.)

Global Economic Crisis is Over, say Experts

2009-03-16T09:30:00.001-04:00

Public humiliation of Jim Cramer credited for biggest surge since 1997

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

NEW YORK -- The world markets heaved a collective sigh of relief this morning as the global economic crisis was declared officially over, thanks to last week's smack down of television pundit Jim Cramer by television pundit Jon Stewart.

"It was a good old fashioned ass whuppin," said one analyst. "Who knew that's all it would take?"

The Dow soared 900 points on the news that Cramer had been taken down a peg, while the Nikkei Index climbed 12 percent in a single day's trading.

As a result, MSNBC announced it has canceled the public flaying of money honey Maria Bartiromo, scheduled for later this week.

Stock vs Schtick

In a highly anticipated grudge match, the suave but short satirist pummeled the dangerously unbalanced stock tout with questions, video clips, and barely restrained moral outrage, while Cramer cowered in a corner clutching a dog-eared copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul of Morally Bankrupt Hedge Fund Managers.

"Jim Cramer was almost entirely responsible for the market collapse, the rampant fraud, and Ponzi schemes across Wall Street," noted an influential banker who asked to remain anonymous. "He also personally approved billions in bonuses for corrupt AIG officials. Now that he's out of the picture, we can get back to doing what we do best -- investing pensioner's life savings in dangerously over-inflated 'securities' while lining our pockets."

According to sources contacted by The WitList, Wall Street is nearing completion of the Trans-Financial Pipeline, a multi-billion-dollar project that will siphon money directly from taxpayers' pockets into the accounts of the Street's wealthiest humans, bypassing the IRS entirely.

"The pipeline will correct inefficiencies in the market and put the money where it really belongs: In the hands of the people who already have most of it," said the source. "Otherwise, it will just end up being frittered away on groceries and medical bills. For our economy to be strong, we need to put brokers before home owners -- or as we like to put it, 'bro's before ho's'."

Dick Cheney's Exit Interview

2009-01-06T09:29:00.001-05:00

Dan Tynan
Senior correspondent, The WitList

Disguised as Fox News' Brit Hume, I gained access to the vice president's secret lair and managed to obtain an exclusive interview. Here is a transcript of our conversation.

Mr. Vice President, first let me thank you for giving me a few moments of your time.

You're welcome, Brit.

Now that your administration is almost over, are there any state secrets you can reveal?

Well there is one. We had a secret underground railway built between the White House and the Capitol. We put the vice president's office on it, so it could move between the legislative and executive branches at will. It was based on the old MX missile system.

That way the terrorists – and by terrorists I mean the United States Congress – would never know what branch I was in at any given moment. I have to say it worked beautifully.

What do you remember most about 9/11?

How hard it was to convince the Secret Service to keep Bush on Air Force One so I could do what was best for the country. We had a few extra guests at Guantanamo after that episode, I can tell you that.

You mean you ran the country on that day?

And every one since.

Isn't that unconstitutional?

No it's entirely constitutional. The 25^th Amendment clearly states that if the president is incapacitated the vice president shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office. I mean, look at the man. He was incapacitated at birth. If they didn't let him wear loafers he'd never leave the White House. Someone had to take over.

So how is the war on terror going?

Very well, thanks. After the Berlin Wall fell, we in DC struggled for years to find an enemy worthy of the Soviet Union and Communism – something that could justify the vast quantities of cash spent on defense contracts and surveillance infrastructure. Then 9/11 came. Boom. Perpetual endless war.

I mean, a bunch of Omar Sharif wannabes take over some planes using box cutters and now the entire country is held hostage, possibly for decades. How brilliant is that?

Since then we've managed to keep it going -- doing nothing of any substance in Afghanistan, spending billions on recruitment efforts in Iraq, and doing everything in our power to make the Arab world hate us. I'd say that's working out extremely well.

And of course, in a time of war, the vice president's powers are supreme. That was a nice bonus

Proudest accomplishments?

I personally managed to overrule the Geneva Convention restrictions and reinstate torture as an official policy. I got rid of those silly 4^th Amendment restrictions on illegal search and seizure. We were able to abduct people and hold them prisoner for years without ever charging them with a crime. We tapped the phones of millions of ordinary Americans. Nobody in Congress said squat. The pussies.

Let's see... intimidating my political enemies, stonewalling investigations, avoiding hostile media outlets – and, really, accountability of any kind -- redirecting billions of Iraq war funds to my close personal associates. That was all good.

During our eight years in office there was not a single Martian invasion. I think that record speaks for itself.

Also, I got to tell Senator Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself. That was fun.

Any regrets?

I do regret shooting my friend Harry in the face. That was an accident. Other than that, well, there are plenty of people in Washington I wouldn't mind going quail hunting with, if you know what I mean.

Any final words of wisdom, as you leave office?

Leaving? Who says I'm leaving?

On January 21, when Joe Biden assumes the office of vice president.

[evil grin]

Four Years Ago Today....

2008-11-05T16:15:00.001-05:00

I started this blog as a way to keep myself sane after George W. Bush's "re-election" over John Kerry. How someone who was technically never elected in the first place can get re-elected is beyond me, but that's all history now.

It began by tracking the efforts to recount the vote in Ohio, and then morphed into a tool of satire and the occasional rant. I'd not really intended to keep doing it for four years, and it lay fallow for many months before this election season.

Yesterday, for the first time in my adult life, I got to vote FOR a candidate I believe in, instead of AGAINST a candidate I could not abide. Not Kerry, not Gore, not Clinton (twice), not Dukakis (whom I did not vote for), not Mondale (ditto) or Carter (tritto). Even better: He won. Who'd have predicted that?

It's a happy day here at The WitList. But I don't see any need to shut this sucker down. I expect the wingnuts to lick their wounds and come roaring back. I expect them to do everything in their power to subvert any change Obama may try to bring. In short, I expect them to be the flaming assholes they've always been. And that's always good material for a satirist.

But for now, time to rest and enjoy the end of the Bush Era. May we never see another like him.

-- Dan Tynan

My Post Election Memo

2008-11-05T10:04:00.001-05:00

(With apologies to Michael Moore, as I feel like I'm channeling him here.)

To John McCain

Dear John:

I'd like to say you fought a valiant campaign, but that would be lying. And we've had too much of that lately. For the past 12 months we've seen the evil, petty, nasty John McCain, while the straight-talkin' independent-thinking “maverick” was bound and gagged in an undisclosed location under the RNC headquarters.

Last night's concession speech was gracious and eloquent; a hopeful sign the good McCain may have finally returned. But after this year's nasty, vicious, erratic display, we feel very lucky you're going home to one of your 8 9 10 11 houses.

To Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah:

You know, it was real swell meeting you. I mean, gosh. You just lit up the national scene like a fire on a oil spill. The way you whipped up all those “real” Americans -- the mouth breathers, the wife beaters, the sixth grade dropouts with a grudge. It was a real slice of life. Just the opportunity to see Todd in a suit was worth it.

Now you can go back to staring at Russia from your backyard. And when you run in 2012, you can claim to have four years of foreign policy experience.

But feel free to keep all the clothes. I'm sure you'll find somewhere to wear them in Wasilla. You betcha.

PS: You're much hotter than Tina Fey... NOT.

Joe The Plumber

Dear Joe:

You know the old saying about opinions being like assholes? Your 15 minutes are up, asshole. Time to go back to fixing leaky cesspools instead of being one.

To the Democrats

Dear Eeyore:

Congratulations! It was an historic victory. You kicked ass. Well done.

Now it's time to go back to doing what you do best: fighting amongst yourselves. Or maybe you might try governing for a change. Just a thought.

To the Republicans

Dear Dumbo:

Don't think of this as a defeat. Think of it as payback for eight years of arrogance, ignorance, and unmitigated greed. The all-you-can-eat pork barrel bar is now closed. I hope y'all have good lawyers.

The good news? You can go back to doing what you do best: attacking those in power and claiming you'd be doing a much better job. As if.

To the Next President of the United States

Dear Barack:

You're brilliant, inspiring, and massively articulate. You've got a beautiful family and an army of adoring followers. You're skinny and have a wicked jump shot. We all want to be you. Hell, even Michael Jordan wants to be you.

But we wouldn't want your new job. You'll inherit the most daunting challenge faced by any new president since Lincoln. Two wars and a looming depression; staggering debt, a Constitution in shreds, and a sharply divided people who have lost faith in government's ability to do anything good. Got any more miracles left? We'll need em.

To the Real Real Americans

Dear Friends:

You did the right thing. You turned out in numbers so overwhelming nobody dared steal this one. You worked hard and opened your wallets in unprecedented numbers. After eight long years in the desert, you deserve to savor this.

Done yet? Because now it's time to double down. We have a serious mess on our hands and Barack needs your help. The real work is only just beginning.

YES WE DID!

2008-11-05T09:58:00.001-05:00

McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements

2008-11-02T12:31:00.001-05:00

Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following Dick Cheney's rousing endorsement of John McCain for president last weekend, a number of the vice president's colleagues have come out in favor of Senator McCain during the waning moments of the campaign.

Austin Powers nemesis Dr. Evil says he can think of "a MILLION reasons" why people should vote for McCain. (He later revised this to "a BILLION reasons.") However, diminutive sidekick Mini Me said he's voting for Ron Paul as a write-in candidate. It's a height thing, Me explained.

The International Union of Evil Doers has been running a phone bank during the last week of the campaign, urging Americans to ignore their better history and focus on their more genocidal tendencies, says Lex Luthor, spokes-villain for the organization.

"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.

Freddy Krueger, of Nightmare on Elm Street fame, says he also favors the GOP. Though technically not corporeal, Krueger says he would be able to vote if someone falls asleep inside a voting booth and dreams of him.

The Crypt Keeper, currently retired and living in Florida, said he always looked up to John McCain as a kind of spiritual older brother. The GOP ticket also picked up endorsements from Cruella da Ville, Darth Vader, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Voldemort.

In related news: Former Enemy No. 1 Osama Bin Laden has emerged from hiding to explain the lack of an October Surprise video during this election cycle. Poll watchers had been eagerly anticipating Bin Laden's quadrennial effort to scare the U.S. electorate into voting Republican. Speaking through his publicist, Bin Laden said, 'We ran the numbers and just didn't see the ROI. I don't think even I could swing this thing for McCain. Talk to me again in 2012."

My New Lawn Sign

2008-10-29T15:32:00.001-04:00

I am both a comically inept graphic artist and a terrible photographer, so this is the best I could do. But it has its own quiet charm, I think.

I couldn't get McCain to come to Wilmaville to pose, so I had to use his younger brother, James "Bones" McCain.

Assaulted McCain Campaign Worker Turns Other Cheek

2008-10-24T16:27:00.002-04:00

Vows to forgive herself for vicious attack, but still blames Obama

PITTSBURGH, PA -- A McCain volunteer who claims to have been carved up by an Obama supporter has changed her story.

Ashley Todd admitted to police that she was in fact her own assailant. The 20-year-old campaign worker from Texas says she pinned herself to the ground, verbally abused herself, punched herself in the eye, and carved a capital B into her right cheek with a paper clip.

The fact that the B had been carved backwards, as if done while looking in a mirror, was a clue that her original story was perhaps not all that it seemed, noted police officials.

Since Todd's confession six more McCain campaign volunteers have come forward with claims that they too were forced into self mutilation by the Obama campaign. Several sported large B's and O's on various parts of their faces; one victim claimed she had endured three hours of ~~torture~~ forceful interrogation while she patiently carved "Hussien" into her own buttocks, then crossed it out and started over when she realized she'd misspelled it.

The McCain campaign pledged immediate assistance, offering to donate a $4,000 Donna Karen tweed jacket and three pairs of $1000 Versace pumps to each of the hapless victims, provided they were all a size 6.

McCain spokesperson Joe T. Plumber blamed the Obama campaign for the outrage.

"Only real Americans in real America would carve themselves up like Halloween pumpkins to fight the terrorist Barack Hussein Obama," noted Plumber. "If not for Barack Obama's campaign, these patriots would not have been forced to endure this punishment."

In other news: Barack Obama received yet another unexpected endorsement from a leading Republican today when Senator John McCain declared that he too would be voting for the Democratic candidate.

McCain's nod adds to endorsements by former Bush Secretary of State Colin Powell, former Republican governor of Massachusetts William Weld, and former McCain advisor Charles Fried.

"I was for Obama before I was against him," said the aging ex POW. "A lot of people don't remember that."

Lawn Sign of the Times

2008-10-24T12:00:00.002-04:00

What my front lawn looks like, or would, if a) I took care of it, and 2) knew how to make a sign like this one.

Thanks to Steve Bass for sharing that. Not sure where he got it.

GOP Defends Palin Clothes Bill as 'Economic Stimulus Package'

2008-10-22T10:23:00.001-04:00

Veep candidate's $150,000 spending spree just a drop in the bucket, say Republicans

By Dan Tynan
The WitList

WASILLA, AK -- The Politico Blog has revealed that the Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 since last August making Governor Sarah Palin look "vice presidential."

However, officials for the RNC defended the expenditures as an "important stimulus package" for sectors of the U. S. economy that needed it most -- the couture and cosmetic counters at some of our nation's toniest department stores.

Personal shoppers for the would-be VP racked up nearly $50,000 in bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in New York and St. Louis, and more than $75,000 in a one-day shopping spree at a Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis. That works out to an average of $2500 a day, or a rating of 4.25 on the John Edwards Haircut Scale.

Included in the costs was $4,716.49 on hair and makeup during the month of September. GOP officials defended the expenditure as necessary due to the rigors of the campaign and the difficulty of maintaining Palin's image as "Caribou Barbie."

"Have you ever tried to get lipstick to stay on a pit bull?" an official remarked. "We have to slap the stuff on with a trowel."

The WitList has obtained a photograph (right) of what the nation's Hottest Governor looks like without her makeup.

Palin's supporters urged the RNC to continue spending whatever it takes to maintain the candidate's status as #1 MILF.

"Hell, she looks hot, and that's all I care about," said Joe the Plumber (note: not an actual plumber). "I'd even give up the opportunity to own my own business if I could make sure she stays that hot."

Joe Six Pack could not be reached for comment.

John McCain: Space Alien

2008-10-19T12:22:00.001-04:00

Last week's final presidential debate revealed what some of us have suspected for a long time.

John McCain is an alien cleverly disguised as a human.

In the photo captured by Reuters photographer Jim Bourg (above), McCain revealed that he is in fact a member of a distant reptilian race sent to earth to complete total world domination. Careful study of the photo reveals that McCain is in fact an agent for the GORN species, first witnessed in Star Trek (The Original Series) episode #19, "The Arena."

Suffering from low blood sugar after a tense and nasty debate, McCain spied a large moth lighting on Obama's back and instinctively lunged for it, forgetting for a moment that the cameras were still on.

The GORN seek to strip the Earth of all its natural resources and implant their eggs into all terrestrial women, creating a race of cold-blooded lizard-brained humanoids -- thus their natural affinity for the Republican Party.

It has been revealed that Sarah Palin is carrying a GORN baby, and will return to the reptilians' home planet during the final throes of labor to deliver the child.

The GORN operate under the direction of the Grand Overlord of the Reptilian Nation, known to most terrestrials as Dick Cheney.

McCain Renames "Straight Talk Express"

2008-10-13T08:40:00.003-04:00

Campaign bus now dubbed Hate Talk Express

SEDONA, Arizona -- In an effort to reflect the changing tenor of the McCain Palin juggernaut, officials inside the McCain campaign announced they are changing the name of the McCain bus from the Straight Talk Express to the Hate Talk Express.

"It's time to formally acknowledge our strategy to bring reform to Washington, DC, by viciously attacking our opponent," said a McCain campaign official who was too busy liquidating his stock portfolio to offer his name.

In a town hall meeting in this southwestern resort, McCain urged his followers to stop calling Senator Barack Obama a terrorist, Muslim, homeboy, spear chucker, waterman eater, jiggaboo, and Senator Sambo Osama.

"But if they want to exercise their First Amendment rights," said the candidate, "that's their cross to burn-- er, bear."

McCain went on to slam Senator Obama for being a dangerously inexperienced radical who wants to socialize health care for millions of middle income Americans when he should be socializing banking for thousands of extremely wealthy Americans.

The GOP candidate contrasted Obama with running mate Sarah Palin, praising her pragmatic stances on state secession, the use of gubernatorial powers to settle family disputes, and her ability to kill, render, and dress an eight-point buck without smearing her lipstick.

"Also, she's fully protected against witchcraft," noted McCain. "That will come in handy if we're attacked by flying monkeys."

US Removes North Korea from Terror List, Adds Alaska

2008-10-11T14:58:00.001-04:00

Special to The WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States has removed North Korea from its list of terrorist states, but has added the state of Alaska.

According to officials at the US State Department, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has met all of the requirements for being delisted from the Axis of Evil, including persuading North Korean leader Kim Jong-il to change his name to Joe Camel to make it easier for President Bush to pronounce.

However, state department officials filled the slot created by the country's removal with Alaska, citing a growing threat from a landmass more than 12 times the size of Korea.

Though the 49th state has no known nuclear weapons program, it is ruled by an unstable leader who recognizes no legal limits on her power and seems determined to achieve world domination, noted a state department official who wished to remain anonymous. Governor For Life Sar Ah Pal-in commands nearly 4000 national guard troops, making it the 47th largest standing army in the nation.

"Besides, she can see Russia from her backyard," said the official. "That puts her right next door to the largest nuclear arsenal on the planet."

Governor Pal-in has been known to target political enemies and draws large, angry mobs wherever she appears. In a statement, the governor denied allegations that she has abused her powers and threatened to fire anyone who claimed otherwise.

Todd Pal-in, First Consort to the Governor, said the terror listing will make little difference to Alaskans, who own an average of 27 guns apiece. "We were gonna secede from the union, like, any day now anyway," he said. "Just as soon as moose hunting season is over."

Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart

2008-10-03T16:41:00.001-04:00

This is just too good. Anyone who watched the Biden-Palin "debate" last night can tell you how spot on this is. Biden was debating. Not sure what Palin was doing. But this chart captures it all:

I believe blogger Aden Nak is the creator of this gem. Stand up and take a bow, Aden.

Are You Qualified to Be Vice President?

2008-09-16T23:09:00.009-04:00

You don't need years of tireless public service, a degree from a decent college, or national security experience to become vice president. Heck, you don't even need to be smart. All you need to do is pass this quiz.

Do you have what it takes to be one heartbeat away from the presidency? Sharpen your number two pencils and find out. But please, no Googling or looking in Wikipedia. We want this to be one contest whose results you can actually trust.

1. One of these men is Vladimir Putin. Can you identify him?

1a. How about with his shirt off?

There, that's better.

2. How many nations are in the 'Nuclear Club'?

a. 2
b. 4
c. 7
d. 10

2a. How many nations are in the 'Hair Club for Men'?

3. Which of the following nations are NOT members of the Nuclear or Hair Clubs for Men?

a. India
b. Iraq
c. Iran
d. Israel

4. Which nation has more thermonuclear warheads than any other nation on the planet?

a. Russia
b. United States
c. China

4a. Let's try that again. Which nation has more thermonuclear warheads than any other nation?

a. Russia
b. Russia
c. Russia

5. So which nation is it probably not a good idea to suggest the US should “perhaps” go to war with to protect a smaller nation with no nuclear warheads?

Was that so hard?

6. That the United States will “provide political, military and economic assistance to all democratic nations under threat from external or internal authoritarian forces” is the definition of which presidential doctrine?

a. The Monroe Doctrine
b. The Truman Doctrine
c. The Bush Doctrine
d. In what respect, Charlie?

7. The 25th Amendment to the US Constitution provides for...

a. Orderly transfer of power when the president is incapacitated
b. Woman's right to vote
c. Americans' right to drink
d. Making Alaska the 57th state

8. Quick: The vice president's office belongs to which branch of government?

a. Executive
b. Legislative
c. Judicial
d. Cheneary

9. You've just accidentally shot someone in the face. The first thing you do is...

a. Willingly submit to questioning by authorities
b. Invoke ~~legislative~~ executive privilege
c. Claim the victim had ties to 9/11
d. Hide under the bed and refuse to talk anyone but Sean Hannity

10. True or false: They really do speak Latin in Latin America

a. Verus
b. Falsus
c. Quis?

11. Lipstick looks best on

a. Pitbulls
b. Pigs
c. John McCain's collar

12. You're presiding over a state dinner honoring Chinese premier Wen Jiabao. The president of the Republic of Taiwan calls and says he'd like to be invited. This is a bad idea because....

a. China and Taiwan are unofficially at war
b. Their wives can't stand each other
c. Last time he was over he ate a bad shrimp and bok-choyed on the carpet

13. Four of these vice presidents became president, but only one was ever elected to the office. Which one?

a. Gerald Ford
b. Andrew Johnson
c. Millard Fillmore
d. Calvin Coolidge

14. How many presidents have died in office?

a. 4
b. 6
c. 8
d. All of them

15. How many of them were older than John McCain is today?

a. 0
b. 0
c. 0
d. All of the above

SCORE

0 to 5 points: You don't have what it takes to be VP. But you might be able to run a small-ass town in the middle of f*****g nowhere

6 to 10 points: You'll have to settle for a job with Fox News

11 to 14 points: You'd be VP material, if only your breasts were bigger

15 points: I'm sorry Hillary, but the position's been filled

Note: Actual answers to be posted next week... maybe.

The Next President and Vice President of the United State of America

2008-09-13T12:40:00.001-04:00

Sickened by the McCain Palin lie machine? Tired of earnest-yet-wimpy responses from the Obama campaign? Then ladies and gentilemen, I give you the winning alternative:

Ron Paul + Ru Paul '08

She's tanned, he's rested, they're ready.

He's a libertarian firebrand who'll speak truth to power no matter what the consequences. And he smokes dope!

She's a gender-bending chanteuse with an ass like a locomotive heading south at high speed. And she kills her own food!

Talk about lipstick on a pig!

Cindy McCain is Pregnant!

2008-09-01T20:35:00.006-04:00

Would be First Lady has potential First Baby

ST PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS -- In the capper to a day of stunning disclosures from the McCain campaign, would-be first lady Cindy McCain announced that she too is with child.

The 55-year-old beer heiress was thought to be well past child-bearing age and surprised both campaign staff and her husband with her announcement. However, she said she was determined to remain a svelte size five throughout the term, with the help of amphetamines.

"John doesn't spend all his time campaigning," Cindy McCain said, winking. "The surge worked."

When asked about the pregnancy, Senator McCain seemed puzzled and replied he wasn't actually sure of how many children he had, you would have to ask his wife.

Earlier in the evening, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska announced that Bristol Palin, her unmarried 17 year old daughter, is five months pregnant. This put something of a damper on Internet-fueled rumors that Trig, Palin's four-month-old, is really Bristol's child.

"I guess that abstinence program we had her on didn't take," Palin said with a shrug.

The Palin camp announced that 14-year-old daughter Willow is not yet pregnant, but has a hot date for next Friday night, so anything's possible.

In response, an aide to Barack Obama's campaign declined to talk about either candidate's family, but assured voters that the candidate and his wife Michelle continue to have a robust sex life using appropriate birth control measures. He then mouthed the words "four times a night -- seriously" but refused to take any questions.

McCain as Maverick? My Ass.

2008-08-31T08:46:00.003-04:00

I used to like John McCain. Not his politics, just him. Alone among all the Republicans (and virtually all the Democrats) he seemed like someone who had his own thoughts and spoke his own mind. He didn't seem to test out his sentences in front of focus groups before they dropped from his lips. He called it “straight talk,” and it was a welcome relief from the bullshit that comes flowing out of the Beltway on an hourly basis.

The John McCain who ran against GW Bush in the 2000 primaries seemed like a guy that, even if I disagreed with him on 90% of social issues, I could support and respect in other ways. He was the quintessential maverick, or so it seemed. Heck, even Jon Stewart liked him.

But not anymore. What changed?

At some point over the last three years McCain sold his soul to the White House. He traded public support for “the surge” for a promise of help rallying the Bush Base (billionaires + flat earth conservatives) behind him. He began to walk, talk, and crap like every other politician in Washington with his eye on the big prize.

The choice of Governor Sarah Palin as running mate is, publicly at least, a desperate attempt to resurrect that Maverick image. "Look at Johnny go, making a pick completely out of left field. He's still his own man, by golly."

But the reality is just the opposite. Palin is not a serious choice for vice president. She's Dan Quayle with tits. OK, maybe she's a little smarter than Dan Quayle. But imagine just for a moment the croak or stroke scenario: McCain suddenly kicks the bucket or goes into a persistent vegetative state, and we have President Sarah Palin. From mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population 6,000), to leader of the free world in less than three years. What a great story for Hollywood. What a disaster for the planet.

Does anyone on the GOP side honestly relish that thought? Well, yes – the power brokers in DC who would use Palin as a hand puppet the same way they used W. (I wouldn't rule out Dick Cheney re-emerging to pull the strings. I still believe they're going to have a hell of a time evicting him next January.) Then god help us.

Palin is cute, no doubt about it. She has an appealing back story. She's like that chick from Northern Exposure – Janine whatshername. But what she really is, at heart, is a sop to the evangelicals that McCain desperately needs to turn out in force if he has a chance of derailing Obama. She's the female Huckabee. And if that isn't politics as usual, I don't know what is.

(I can't say I'm thrilled by Obama's choice of Biden, either. It seems a step backward in the wrong direction toward DC. But I also can't think of any really good alternatives, despite how pissed off my wife is that he didn't pick Hillary.)

When I was young, Maverick meant two things. It was a comedy-western TV show from the 50s starring James Garner. And it was a compact car put out by Ford in the early 1970s when Detroit was trying to compete with Toyota and Datsun. The show was great – Garner was charming, funny, and always two steps ahead of the other guy; the car sucked and was discontinued shortly after it debuted.

McCain as Maverick is much closer to the car than to Garner. He is a tired wannabee product put out by a factory town that lost its way decades ago. He's a lemon destined for the junkyard. And no amount of new paint – or physically appealing running mates – can change that.

Top 10 Reasons Why Sarah Palin is the Perfect VP Candidate

2008-08-30T16:17:00.005-04:00

WARNING: The following list may prove offensive to women, mothers, beauty queens (current and former), Alaskans, those with bladder conditions, those too senile to remember how many houses they own, middle class millionaires, gun-toting Bible thumpers, and members of the GOP. Management assumes no responsibility for psychological damage incurred.

10. Raising five kids is a lot like negotiating with Iran, Iraq, Syria, Israel and the Saudis.

9. If elected, there is at least a 50 percent chance she will know what branch of the government she works for.

8. Though governor for only 20 months, one month in Alaska is like a year anywhere else.

7. She doesn't believe human actions caused global warming. God simply hates polar bears.

6. As the former runner-up to Miss Alaska, she'll have a big advantage in the swimsuit competition at the next World Economic Forum.

5. She can still remember how many houses she owns (3).

4. As a supporter of Creationism, she's sure to always be by McCain's side – after all, she's made from his rib.

3. She'll be able to help McCain put on his diappies when he becomes completely incontinent.

2. With a 4-month-old baby she'll already be awake when that 3 am phone call comes and McCain is in an Ambien-induced coma.

... and the number one reason Sarah Palin is a great choice for vice president:

1. As a longtime NRA member, she won't hesitate to shoot anyone in the face.

Barack or Britney? The similarities are uncanny

2008-08-03T13:21:00.004-04:00

Maybe the McCain campaign is right. Maybe Barack is just like Britney and Paris. Consider the following:

Top 10 things Barack Obama has in common with Britney Spears and/or Paris Hilton

10. None of them are natural blondes
9. They all appear in public without panties
8. They have more Facebook friends than McCain does
7. Europeans actually like them
6. They prefer terrorist fist jabs to high fives
5. People under age 35 have actually heard of them
4. None of them are married to scary beer heiress drug addicts
3. They know how to use the Internets
2. They all share a 72-year-old stalker from Arizona
1. None of them sings worth a damn

What's Wrong With the New Yorker Cover

2008-07-14T22:03:00.007-04:00

As someone who commits tasteless acts of political satire on a quasi-regular basis, I feel like it's my duty to defend the New Yorker in this current flap over its Osama/Obama cover. But I can't. And it's not just because I'm an Obama-head, albeit a late convert from mild Edwardsianism. I think it's because the New Yorker missed the mark, badly. And David Remnick's post facto explanations are also missing the mark. I don't think he gets what satire is supposed to be.

First, a few words about the cartoon. It's very good. I don't know Barry Blitt, though his illustrations have occasionally graced articles I've written (though not in the New Yorker, that's for damned sure.) But he nailed it, especially the Angela Davis look for Michelle. The problem is context. There isn't any. This is the New Yorker, for godsakes. It's not Mad Magazine. It's not The Onion, or Spy. It's not a venue, in other words, in which satire is a given, and people know immediately what the point is.

You dial up The Daily Show or the Colbert Report, and you know you're getting satire. It is called The Comedy Channel for a reason, though that reason isn't always obvious if you tune in some of their other shows. They don't run endless investigative pieces by Seymour Hersh, for example, on Reno 911. They don't publish pretentious short fiction. If Saturday Night Live put on a skit with Obama as Osama and Michelle as Angela, it would probably be a scream. Because that would fit their context. We'd all be in on the joke. No explanation necessary.

But for the New Yorker to run what is essentially right wing propaganda on its cover, sans explanation, and then claim that they were satirizing not the Obamas but the propaganda surrounding them, is just dumb. It's 'meta satire'. But meta satire isn't funny. And to people whose ability to detect irony is wholly missing -- which is to say the morons who form the larger part of the Bush Base -- it's the same as the truth. This cover is Christmas in July for every right-wing radio nut and web whackjob. I bet it's already been emailed and Xeroxed a million times.

Worse, the cartoon isn't even true to the spirit of the New Yorker, which is almost always whimsical. In an apparent attempt to defend itself, the magazine's Web site is running a series showing all of Barry Blitt's satirical cartoons under "The Politics of Satire." Some of them are quite funny. I particularly like the one called "wide stance," featuring Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad as Senator Larry Craig. But there isn't any whimsy in the Obama/Osama cartoon. It's dark (and I don't mean that in a racial way). It's ugly in a way that even the most pointed anti-Bush cartoons are not. And unlike the other "satirical" cartoons the New Yorker presents, it singles out a presidential candidate in the middle of a close election -- not someone who's already president, not both candidates together, nor a long-dead historical figure. That series only points out just how different the Obama/Osama cartoon is.

More important, the cartoon isn't satirizing the truth, it's satirizing a lie. When the New Yorker depicts Dick Cheney as Archie Bunker and George Bush as the meek Edith, or as the Bush cabinet floating in chest-high water after Katrina, that's satirizing the truth. Portraying Obama as a flag-burning Muslim friend of Osama and Michelle as a Black Panther is the modern equivalent of portraying Jews as fat money-grubbing plutocrats in 1933, then claiming you were merely satirizing Hitler. It propagates the lie, not the truth. And that's what David Remnick doesn't get. As a satirist, his job is to propagate the truth. -- Dan Tynan

New Yorker Rejects Alternate Obama Cartoons

2008-07-14T21:36:00.005-04:00

The WitList has learned that the recent New Yorker cover featuring a turban'd Obama/Osama and Michelle Obama dressed as Angela Davis was only one of several cover options consideredfor the issue. NYer editor David Remnick apparently rejected several other concepts, including:

* Barack Obama eating watermelon and grinning in front of a background featuring a pregnant barefoot Michelle Obama and her 13 illegitimate children.

* Barack as a ghetto homeboy smoking crack while Michelle turns $5 tricks on the street corner.

* Barack as Sammy Davis Jr., shucking and jiving with Richard Nixon at the White House, while Michelle (dressed as Pearl Bailey) sings "Hello Dolly."

* Barack as Jimmy "dy-no-mite" Walker and Michelle as Louise "weezie" Jefferson on their way to cash in some food stamps for a couple of 40s.

Editor Remnick rejected these cartoons as "not funny or stereotypical enough." Next up for the New Yorker cover: Photos of anacondas devouring new born babies. "They're a scream," says Remnick.

Setting the Record Straight on Michelle Obama

2008-06-12T17:39:00.004-04:00

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList

As we all know, reverse racism is a terrible thing. For years White Americans have suffered at the hands of those privileged to possess a higher melanin count and superior vertical lift. We have been victimized by a vast Afro-American conspiracy to keep us from appearing on the BET network, starting at point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, or dating Oprah.

Now, with the Obamas poised to move into the White House, it's time to reverse reverse racism before it's too late.

In truth, the problem lies not with Barack Obama. He's like Tiger Woods without the Swoosh. And being half white, there's a good chance he has an average-sized penis.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand.... Big Problem. Not only is she black and female, she's also angry. And there is nothing more dangerous to White America than an Angry Black Female With an Enormous Penis.

Despite near-documentary evidence to the contrary, Michelle Obama continues to deny she used the phrase “Whitey” in a conversation with Louis Farrakhan and Reverend Jeremiah Wright about the elimination of the Caucasian race. Maybe that's true. But if she's not a reverse racist, why does her official campaign limo have a “Honk if you're a honky” bumper sticker on the back? And why does she refer to the Oval Office as the “Ofay Office” when white people aren't listening?

White America demands and deserves answers to these questions.

But wait, it gets worse. Thanks to our exhaustive research, we've uncovered more damning evidence of Michelle Obama's hatred of her paler peers. Over the years she's made a number of comments harmful to the white race, followed by pitiful denials. Here are just a few examples.

“Stick it to da man.” While touring a furniture factory in Ohio, the would-be first lady was heard to reveal her master plan for dealing with whites after ascending to the White House. Obama claims she actually said “Stickley – he's the man,” referring to Gustav Stickley, master furniture maker of the early 20^th century. Oh come on. How would a black person know anything about that?

“Foshizzle ma nizzle.” Michelle Obama was clearly seen lip syncing this phrase when she appeared in a Snoop Dogg rap video as one of his bitches. Obama claims to have never appeared on stage with the Snoopster in any venue, taped or otherwise. She did not, however, deny being one of his bitches.

“I was marinatin' on the porch with my homies sippin on a 40.” Obama claims this refers to marinating pork at home for Barack's 40^th birthday. This clearly an outright lie. We all know Muslims don't eat pork.

“I'm gonna bust a cap in that white bitch's ass.” Obama claims this statement concerns a visit to her veterinarian's office and an anal suppository, and that “white bitch” refers to her Alaskan Eskimo dog, not Hillary Clinton. Please. Do you think we've never seen Cleopatra Jones or Get Christie Love?

“Dyn-o-mite!” Obama admits she actually did say this.

This charade has gone on long enough. Can we really be expected to believe that the wife of the country's first semi-black presidential candidate could conduct herself as an adult in public? That a graduate of Princeton and Harvard Law isn't hooked on Ebonics or out to destroy the White Race as we know it?

What do you think we are, stupid?

McCain Googles for a Veep

2008-06-11T01:09:00.007-04:00

By Dan Tynan

RICHMOND, VA -- Republican presidential nominee John McCain has announced a new tool in his search for a running mate: Google.

According to Reuters, the candidate says he's using the popular search engine to vet potential candidates.

"You know, basically it's a Google," he said to laughter at a fund-raising luncheon when asked how the selection process was going. "What you can find out now on the Internet -- it's remarkable."

So far, officials close to the McCain campaign say Google has allowed the Senator to narrow the field to a handful of top candidates. They include:

* A deposed Nigerian minister who's offered to donate $35 million to the McCain campaign, once he manages to sneak it out of the country

* Tay Zonday, singer of "Chocolate Rain" and winner of a 2008 Webby Award

* Pop singer Rick Astley.

The aides said the Arizona senator briefly considered adding LonelyGirl15 to the ticket, but declined after discovering she did not meet minimum age requirement of 35.

"One thing is for sure,"said the aide. "Anything we do is better than asking Cheney to pick somebody for us. We're not even sure we'll be able to pry him out of the building next January."

Apologies if I offended anyone

2008-06-09T10:33:00.005-04:00

.... with my Hillary jibes yesterday. (And I know I must have, because I caught an earful about it this morning.)

I wasn't trying to be sexist, but apparently I succeeded in grand style. For that, I apologize. They say that if you have to explain a joke it can't be very funny to begin with, but I'm going to try and explain it here.

First: I have tremendous respect for Senator Clinton as a person and as a legislator. I think she'd make a fine president (better than her husband, for sure). But I hated the way she ran her campaign. I hated the 'do anything to win' strategy. I hated how 'Republican' she acted, even if her policy ideas came straight out of the FDR-Kennedy-Johnson strain of the Democratic party. And the last thing this country needs is another Republican in the White House, in thought or in deed.

More than that: I hate 'politics as usual.' I hate the way Washington is run. The Clintons, smart creatures that they are, figured out how Washington is run and mastered that game. But the game sucks. I want someone who wants to flip the game board over and scatter the pieces. I don't know if Obama can do that. I don't know if any one can. But I want someone in the White House who is at least willing to try. That's why I support him. He's also the first candidate I've ever encountered as an adult who I'd consider the least bit inspiring. Hillary is admirable, but I'm not inspired.

Anyway, my post was intended to be a silly take on how the Clintons expected to march into the White House next January the way the Bush-Cheney administration marched into Baghdad, and how when everything didn't fall exactly into place they had no plan 'to win the peace,' as John Kerry used to say. (Talk about uninspiring candidates.) That was really the nucleus of the idea; the Pottery Barn thing was just a silly way to approach it. And apparently offensive. Sorry about that. Also: sorry about the 'bitch' joke. I knew when I wrote it I should have changed it.

This is the problem with trying to write in a funny and/or satirical way. Without an audience to play to, there's no way to know when you're just being an ass.

Future warning: if I feel inspired again to wax snarky on politics, I'm likely to make jokes about Obama appointing JayZ his Secretary of State or say something about how damned old John McCain is. So I'll just apologize now and get it over with.

Peace.

dt

Hillary Clinton Cancels Large Pottery Barn Order

2008-06-08T13:12:00.005-04:00

Senator may lose $30 million deposit

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList

CHAPPAQUA, NY -- Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has quietly canceled a large order from popular catalog store The Pottery Barn, sources close to her former campaign have reported.

The former first lady had ordered more than a dozen rooms' worth of furniture, rugs, and wall art, as well as a new china set for 200 guests. "Senator Clinton will no longer be needing those items," said an aide who asked to remain anonymous. "We have no further comment at this time."

The Senator, who formally suspended her campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination yesterday, had apparently placed the order last December, just ahead of the Iowa Caucuses.

Sources close to her campaign say they remain stunned by the outcome. The former first lady had been considered a virtual lock for the nomination when the campaign began in January 2007.

"We expected to be greeted as liberators," said one aide. "We were told it would be a slam dunk. Then this Hussein character showed up and took us by surprise. Obviously the intelligence we relied on was wrong."

The aide acknowledged that it was probably a mistake to hang a "Mission Accomplished" banner across the campaign's New York headquarters last May. The aide also said choosing Celine Dion's "You and I Were Meant to Fly" as the campaign's official song was another blunder.

"Even my mother doesn't listen to Celine Dion," he says. "Personally, I think we should have stuck with our first choice, Elton John's 'The Bitch is Back.' It was way catchier."

Poll: The Hillary That Wouldn't Die

2008-06-03T13:18:00.002-04:00

This is an experiment with a service called BuzzDash. Please select from the following choices. I'd like to see what happens and if this service really works the way it's supposed to.

Thank you for your support. You may now return to your regular life, already in progress.

They're cousins, identical cousins.....

2008-05-30T13:44:00.002-04:00

This ad is just too damned funny (if also too damned short):

Courtesy of MoveOn, natch.

I Love This Ad

2008-04-29T15:08:00.002-04:00

Even if it doesn't win Move-On's "Obama in 30 Seconds" contest.

A Tale of Two Speeches

2008-04-29T10:33:00.002-04:00

by Dan Tynan

Our little burg has been a hotbed of political activity over the past 36 hours. Sunday night I had the privilege of watching Hillary Clinton deliver her stump speech on a glorious spring evening against the backdrop of a purple sky and the USS North Carolina. Monday afternoon I got to watch the Obama traveling medicine show along with 5,000 adoring fans at UNCW's Trask Auditorium.

Two liberal/moderate Democratic candidates, two speeches nearly identical in substance and light years apart in style.

I'd guess roughly 2000 people gathered to hear Hillary on the Federal courthouse steps, next to the Cape Fear River. We spent 45 minutes in a line that snaked along Front Street and down Market, slowly working our way to the security checkpoint. Overall, it felt like a well choreographed event, even though it was scheduled at the last possible moment and Hillary started 30 minutes late.

She was not the cold, cut-throat bitch she often appears to be on television. Hillary was surprisingly warm and personable, and had done her homework – peppering the speech with references to Wilmington and the local economy for the first five minutes.

Then she turned into a policy wonk – going into specifics about her plans for providing universal health care, giving tax breaks to lower income people, making it easier to pay for college, etc. Textbook Democratic speech-making, handing out a little treat to each constituency. Interestingly, she seemed to be running on her husband's record – hearkening back to the economic boom times of the 1990s – while skipping over things like hubby's championing of NAFTA, welfare reform, and other things that probably wouldn't sit well with her base.

It was a polished, professional speech filled with predictable applause lines (Iraq, the price of gas, saving the environment, anything to do with “the two oilmen in the White House”) but rarely personal and never truly passionate. The response was enthusiastic but not overwhelming (except for the woman next to me, who kept shrieking directly into my ear – it's still ringing).

The next day was Obama's turn. Possibly because it was held on a college campus, but most attendees seemed at least a decade younger on average. (And Obama's volunteers were much, much hotter.) Predictably the crowd was also more racially mixed, though I'd guess it was still at least two-thirds white.

Hillary is a savvy, skilled politician, but Obama is a Rock Star. Maybe because it was indoors and the crowd was larger, maybe because you had to scramble to get a ticket (this was a total pain in the ass – I tried three times and came away empty, only to have two land in my lap that morning), but the excitement in the room was visceral. The stomping, whistling, clapping, cheering crowd exploded when Obama arrived on the dot at 1 pm.

Impossibly thin, wearing a baggy white shirt and gray slacks, sleeves rolled up and tie carelessly knotted, he was the antithesis of Hillary packed into her prim and spotless pale blue suit.

On policy, Obama's speech hardly differed from Clinton's. (You can hear a recording of it here.) You could have swapped parts of hers out for his and never known the difference. But when it comes to delivery, they're from different planets.

Obama has developed a terrific rhetorical style where he starts out quietly, strolling across the stage, talking about the problems you and I share like he's in your living room, just plain folks chatting. Then gradually he builds. The volume rises, the phrasing gets crisper and more repetitive. He stops strolling and pauses, tensed in the center of the stage, punctuating the staccato rhythms of his speech with his hands.

“...and so when I decided to run it was in part because I believed that the size of our challenges had outstripped the capacity of a broken politics to solve. And I was convinced that the American people wanted something different, they wanted something new. That they were tired of a politics that was all about tearing each other down, they wanted a politics that was all about lifting the country up. I was convinced of that. I was convinced the American people didn't want spin and PR. They wanted straight talk, truthfulness and honesty from their leadership. And I was convinced that the American people no longer wanted to be divided. They didn't want to be divided by race, they didn't want to be divided by religion, they didn't want to be divided by region, they wanted to come together to solve the problems of the United States of America.”

The crowd explodes in a standing O. Then he'd wait for it to die down and do it all over again. Only now it would be about health care. Or college loans. No Child Left Behind. The housing crunch. The price of oil and global warming. The war in Iraq. Build and release, build and release.

Most of the seats directly in front of the stage were occupied by African Americans dressed for church. They were intimately familiar with this kind of rhythm and bobbed to it in call and response like they were sitting in the pew. Amen, brother. Say it, Obama. Yes We Can.

“Lately my opponents have been trying to make this election about me instead of about you. They've been trying to say, well, you know we don't know him that well, we don't know what he believes, we don't know about his values. Despite the fact I wrote two books – it's all there, what I believe, think, what my story is. I try to explain to them ... how I've seen this country open up opportunity for people who are willing to work hard. They don't expect government to solve all their problems. All they hope is there's a handle there, they can get a handle on moving up. That if they work hard, they're going be able to find a job that pays a living wage. If they work hard, they'll be able to send their child to a good school. If they work hard, they're going to be able to get health care. If they work hard they're going to be able to retire with some dignity and respect. That's why I love this country. That's the change I've seen in my life. That's what every American deserves. That's what America is all about. That's what we're fighting for in this campaign. That's why you're here today. And if you vote for me... if you stand up with me, I promise you we will not just win this nomination, we will win this general election and you and I together will change this country and change the world.”

And that's where it should have ended. But Obama stuck around to answer questions, and the energy waned. He droned a bit in some of his answers, dragging in points he'd forgotten to make in his speech. An elderly woman came to his rescue, going on about clean water and clean politics, garnering huge roars from the crowd and setting up Obama for his best line of the afternoon.

“I'd like to answer your question, but first I have a question for you,” he said. “Will you be my running mate?”

Hillary and Obama both talked about those of us victimized by the last eight years of blinding stupidity, corruption, and ineptitude, but Obama also talked about the parties who've benefited from the Bush era -- the oil companies, the pharmaceutical firms, the car makers, the financiers. He boasted how he went to Detroit to tell them they had to make more fuel efficient cars and to Wall Street to tell them they needed to tamp down their raging greed -- and how his audiences there didn't give him any standing O's. He made a clear distinction between candidates who were in the pocket of Corporate America and those, like himself, who allegedly are not.

McCain has made a deal with the devil. Hillary's big plan is to turn down the thermostat in Hell a few degrees and serve ice cream on Sundays. Obama is saying that, if we pull together, we can take on the forces of Satan and defeat them.

If elected, he will probably get smacked down. Evil has been with us a long long time. The devil has too many friends in Washington and they're on both sides of the aisle. But after hearing him speak yesterday I know at least he's going to try. And that, for me, makes all the difference.

General Petraeus Urges New 'TiVo Strategy' for Iraq

2008-04-08T10:58:00.004-04:00

Mastering remote controls may hold key to victory

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

WASHINGTON DC -- Testifying before Congress today, General David Petraeus urged the nation to press “Pause” in its efforts to withdraw US troops from Iraq, more than five years after invading the sovereign nation.

Petraeus said the administration's new “TiVo Strategy” would provide a clearer picture of what's happening on the ground in Iraq, especially when viewed on high-definition TV sets. It also would allow the president to visit the potty and get a snack while the US military attempts to extricate itself from the war-torn nation.

Petraeus promised the president would return to the couch and hit Play, though probably not before late January 2009. Congressional Democrats urged the administration to press Fast Forward, but declined to take over the remote controls, saying they weren't sure how how to work the buttons and were afraid they might break something.

In other news, Senator David Vitter (R-La.) narrowly avoided severe injury yesterday when a car in which he was a passenger slammed into a stop sign outside a courthouse in northern Louisiana. Vitter was was being pursued by journalists seeking comment about his upcoming testimony in the DC Madam trial. The high-speed pursuit lasted approximately 15 feet. Police blamed aggressive paparazzi for the unlawful death of the sign.

Local prostitutes could not be reached for comment.

Spitzer Admits to Hiring Prostitutes, Using Hair Plugs

2008-03-11T05:27:00.005-04:00

Major announcement expected today regarding 'Escortgate'

Special to the WitList
11 March 2008

ALBANY, NY – Embattled New York governor Eliott Spitzer has called a press conference today where he is expected to discuss allegations he paid employees of a elite escort service $4,300 to polish his andirons.

The WitList has learned that Spitzer plans to switch political parties.

“Ever since I was a little boy, it has been a dream of mine to pay a prostitute $4,300 an hour to finger my flute,” Spitzer said, in a prepared statement leaked to the press. “I know now that this was wrong. Therefore I am pursuing the only course left to me, by resigning my position as leader of the Democratic party in New York and re-registering as a Republican.”

An aide to Spitzer said joining the GOP was a necessary legal requirement before Spitzer could declare himself an alcoholic, enter rehab, and call on Jesus to help him through this personal crisis.

Spitzer's aide refused to elaborate on exactly how much pleasure one can obtain for $72 a minute, but vowed that the next time the Governor felt an overwhelming urge to have his axle greased, he would stick to soliciting men in public toilets or sending lewd text messages to underage boys.

Until his public admission yesterday, Spitzer was identified as “Client #9” in the FBI's sting operation of the Emperor's Club escort service. Federal agents listened in on more than 5,000 phone calls and text messages and read more than 6,000 emails in their investigation. Vice president Dick Cheney hailed the wiretapping effort, noting that “those who oppose this program want the terroristitutes to win.”

In response, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign quietly erased Gov. Spitzer's endorsement from its Web site and released another in its series of “red phone” advertisements.

“It's 3 AM, and your husband has just been caught with a highly paid prostitute,” the ad begins. “Who do you want answering the phone?” The ad goes on to claim that of the all presidential candidates, only Senator Clinton has the experience to deal with such issues.

Larry Craig Unresigns From Senate

2007-09-05T14:15:00.000-04:00

Refuses to have career stalled by invasive probe

Special to the WitList
5 September 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- Senator Larry Craig may not resign after all, according to sources close to the Idaho Republican.

Aides to the resolutely heterosexual Craig say that though the three-term senator announced his intention to resign his Senate seat on September 30, he didn't actually mean it.

During the press conference where he issued his resignation, Craig tapped his left foot six times. In political circles, this usually indicates the person speaking has no intention of actually doing what he's saying.

Craig also wiggled his left pinky at a male reporter in the third row, indicating his availability for an exclusive one-on-one interview following the question and answer period.

Democrats applauded Craig's decision to undecide, saying they hadn't had this much fun since the whole Mark Foley thing.

Despite pleading guilty to a charge of lewd behavior in an airport bathroom, Craig maintains his innocence. He has retained attorney Billy Martin as his defense counsel. Martin, who most recently defended NFL star Michael Vick against charges of illegal dogfighting, issued a statement saying no animals had been harmed during Craig's alleged lewdness.

The embattled senator once again affirmed that he is not gay, has never been gay, and has no plans to become gay in the near future. However, he added that he can usually be found in the Senate cloakroom between 3:15 and 3:30 pm, if anyone's interested.

In related story, Louisiana Senator David Vitter has announced plans to reintroduce the controversial Marriage Amendment on the Senate floor. Vitter has managed to hold onto his Senate seat despite admitting to being a regular customer of the infamous DC Madam. The new bill would define marriage as the legal union between one man, one woman, and one prostitute, though not necessarily the same one every time.

The Ballad of Larry Craig

2007-09-04T06:20:00.000-04:00

(as sung to the tune of Knockin' on Heaven's Door)

Bob take these pants off of me
Wedge my bag against the door
Are those your fingers that I see?
I'm just tapping on the bathroom floor

Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor
Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor

Slide your foot here next to mine
And we'll do a little dance
Say, those loafers are divine
Let me show you my wide stance

Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor
Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor

Swing your legs under the wall
Let me try you on for size
Or come over to my stall
And we'll fly the friendly skies

Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor
Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor

I'm no faggot, no siree
But that policeman had to spoil it
I've been forced to cop a plea
Now my career is in the toilet

Just for....

Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor
Tap tap tapping on the bathroom floor

First Daughters Resign

2007-08-27T14:09:00.000-04:00

Jenna and Barbara to shave Bush from last name

Special to the WitList
27 August 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- Citing a desire to spend less time with their family, Jenna and Barbara Bush have resigned their positions as official White House Twins, effectively immediately.

A White House spokesperson stressed that the twins' departure was in no way related to the recent resignations of Karl Rove, Tony Snow, and Alberto Gonzales. The official said several factors contributed to the girls' decision, including Jenna's impending marriage and Barbara's lifelong desire to party with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

“We look forward to no longer being the object of Republican frat boy fantasies,” said former first daughter Barbara in an unprepared statement. “And there's no need for us to be pixieish and cute anymore now that Dad's no longer running for anything.” As she spoke, she formed the letter “L” with her thumb and forefinger.

The twins will be replaced on an interim basis by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen until a new pair of First Daughters can be approved by the Senate.

Former senior policy advisor Rove has not made his future plans public. However, Gonzales announced today he will be joining cholo punk band Manic Hispanic on their upcoming world tour.

The high-level departures leave Vice President Dick Cheney as the last close Bush advisor remaining in the administration. The vice president, who was reported to be in a secure location somewhere beneath the Washington Monument, issued a statement through his press secretary.

“The vice president has no plans to resign,” the spokesperson said. “And if anyone tries to make him, he wants you to know that he's got a thermonuclear weapon and knows how to use it.”

Top 10 Reasons Karl Rove Quit

2007-08-14T22:07:00.000-04:00

(with apologies to David Letterman)

10. He's planning to join David Lee Roth on the next Van Halen tour.

9. He's about to be indicted for operating a dog fighting ring behind the Rose Garden.

8. He wanted to spend more time suppressing the black vote.

7. It was only a matter of time until Dick Cheney shot him in the face.

6. His boss wouldn't give him time off to attend Gay Day at Disney World.

5. Having failed to build a permanent majority of Republicans over here, he's looking to build a permanent majority of terrorists over there.

4. Two words: Sex change.

3. Wanted to get out while Bush popularity ratings still in double digits.

2. If you'd had your hand inside another man's ass for 14 years, you'd be ready to quit too.

And the number one reason Karl Rove quit:

1. Osama made him a better offer.

An open letter to Senators Elizabeth Dole and Richard Burr

2007-07-29T11:56:00.000-04:00

I write to you today as a citizen of North Carolina and of the United States. I write not as a Republican or a Democrat, but as a concerned American. And I hope you will respond not as Republicans, but as concerned Americans.

I am deeply troubled by the actions of our government. At no other time in our nation's history has the executive branch laid claim to so much power, and so blatantly ignored the will of the people and the rule of law.

Not even Congress, it seems, has the authority to question the President, the Vice President, or their staff. Even its ability to pass laws has been circumscribed by the White House.

I trust you are intimately familiar with these issues, but I offer these examples as a brief summary.

The President has attached more than 750 signing statements to Congressional bills, many negating or altering the intent of the law he has sworn to uphold.
The President has instructed intelligence agencies to willfully ignore laws that require judicial approval for wiretaps.
The President has refused to turn over thousands of documents involving the firing of nine US attorneys, and instructed the Republican National Committee to do the same. The central questions of who ordered these dismissals, and why, remain unanswered.
The Attorney General has repeatedly lied to Congress or refused to answer questions about the President's or Vice President's involvement in the dismissal of the US attorneys.
The President has instructed members of the executive branch to ignore Congressional subpoenas, and has vowed to instruct US Attorneys to ignore charges against members of the executive branch if they are held in contempt by Congress.
The Vice President's office has unilaterally declared itself exempt from rules governing the handling of classified documents. It has declared itself exempt from any Congressional oversight whatsoever.
* In commuting Lewis Libby's felony conviction, the President has encouraged further acts of perjury and obstruction of justice.

In short, the President and Vice President have declared themselves above the laws that govern every other citizen of this country. It is a presidency run amok. It is a vice presidency that claims to be an entity unto itself, answerable to no one.

This is not what the founders intended.

If party affiliations were reversed, and it were a Democrat in the White House, I have no doubt where you'd stand on these matters. I am asking you to apply the same principles to our current administration. I am asking you to ignore loyalty to your party and instead demonstrate loyalty to your country.

It is time to put an end to this abuse of power before we no longer have the ability to do so.

Sincerely,

Daniel Tynan

President Bush to Assume Role of President

2007-07-27T16:18:00.000-04:00

Vice president's office urges public not to panic

Special to the WitList
27 June 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- For a few hours this Saturday, President Bush will once again be leader of the free world, as Vice President Cheney has the battery on his heart defibrillator replaced.

This will be the seventh time the president has acted as commander in chief while Mr. Cheney has undergone a medical procedure. The president also took the reins in February 2006, while the vice president hid in the attic of the Armstrong ranch after shooting 78-year-old Harry Whittington in the face.

Besides replacing his pacemaker, the vice president will undergo a sulphuric acid flush and have a new nuclear kill mechanism installed to deter attempts on his life. If anyone tries to murder Mr. Cheney, the device inside his chest will ignite, killing everyone within a five-mile radius.

Worried that Mr. Bush might accidentally lean on the button that starts World War III, top White House aides plan to keep the president busy during his brief time in command, most likely by sending him on a long bike ride. The last time Mr. Bush was in charge, he accidentally got his foot stuck in the Oval Office toilet, forcing the entire White House to go into lock down.

Al Qaeda Launches Franchisee Program

2007-07-25T17:23:00.000-04:00

Boasts 'Over 1 billion terrorized'

Special to The WitList
25 July 2007

CHARLESTON, SC -- President Bush hammered home the growing threat from al Qaeda yesterday, invoking the name of the terrorist organization 118 times in a 29-minute speech.

"Some say that Iraq is not a part of the broader war on terror," Bush said. "They claim that the organization called al Qaeda in Iraq is an Iraqi phenomenon -- that it's independent of Osama bin Laden and it's not interested in attacking America. That would be news to Osama bin Laden."

Classified material in the recent National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) appears to confirm the president's statements.

According to sources within the intelligence community, Osama Bin Laden has been funding his operations by selling regional franchises in the worldwide terrorist network. Though al Qaeda in Iraq is the best-known spinoff, the group has also been licensing terror franchises throughout Afghanistan, Pakistan, and other parts of the Muslim world.

“Our growth plan is going better than we could have dreamed, praise Allah,” said a spokesterrorist for the group. “We would like to thank the Bush administration for making all of this possible.”

Later this year, al Qaeda plans to open a chain of Islamofascist restaurants in the United States, along with a marketing campaign featuring a terrorist clown named Osama McBama.

Among other promotions, the restaurants will offer a free improvised explosive device with every McMartyr Happy Meal. Drive-through windows will allow Jihadists to get a good burger and then blow themselves up without leaving their cars.

A White House senior official scoffed at the notion that Bin Laden, who has managed to elude capture for nearly six years, would be able to sell Sharia Shakes or Fallujah Fries to a terror-fatigued American public.

“We will continue to fry them over there, so we don't have to fry them over here,” he said

President's Colon Claims Executive Privilege

2007-07-20T20:45:00.000-04:00

Bush bowels reject efforts to be probed

Special to the WitList
20 July 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush's colonoscopy, scheduled to take place on Saturday morning, hit a snag this afternoon when the organ in question refused to submit to an investigation. Speaking through their attorney, the president's ileum, duodenum and jejunum rejected all attempts to examine them, claiming their contents were protected by executive privilege.

However, senior advisers believe a compromise can still be reached where the colon would submit to a probe, provided it was not under sedation and no records were kept.

If the scheduled procedure does take place, Vice President Cheney will temporarily assume the reins of command under the 25^th Amendment, one of three Constitutional amendments not yet violated by the Bush Administration.

Cheney has secretly urged the president to undergo a much more extensive examination, saying that the scheduled four-hour procedure barely gave him enough time to position his solar death ray over Iran.

White House spokesman Tony Snow said he could not comment on an ongoing investigation, but was confident doctors would find no evidence of wrong doing.

Snow confirmed that the president's anus was under strict orders to not to leak classified information. If true, it would become the only asshole in this administration to not reveal state secrets.

Bin Laden to Make Presidential Bid

2007-07-16T10:30:00.000-04:00

Says he's tanned, rested, and ready to run in 2008

Special to The WitList
17 July 2007

PESHAWAR, Pakistan -- In a surprise move, Osama Bin Laden has declared his intent to seek the Republican nomination for president in 2008. Speaking via a video press release, the al Queda leader said he decided to toss his turban into the ring because he wanted to give something back to the party that has helped him so much over the years.

In overnight polls, the terrorist mastermind was already drawing better numbers than former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

Though the US Constitution requires presidential candidates to be born in the United States, Bin Laden says the White House has ignored so many laws already, one more surely won't matter.

As president, Bin Laden vowed to continue Bush Administration policies of bankrupting the US Treasury, subverting the Constitution, flouting the rule of law, and encouraging personal corruption. However, he would immediately withdraw troops from Iraq.

"Now that we have gained control of the country, there's no longer any need for a sustained US presence," noted an al Queda spokesterrorist.

Inside sources believe Bin Laden may be secretly eying a vice presidential nomination, because he wants to be where the power truly lies. "A Romney-Bin Laden ticket could bring all the fundamentalist kooks out of their caves," said one highly placed source.

Some neocons were intrigued by the idea of Bin Laden in the Oval Office, arguing that it might be easier to keep an eye on the world's most wanted criminal inside the White House, or whatever branch of government the Vice President's office happens to be in at the moment.

"If Bin Laden is elected in 2008, that would mean the Bush presidency has been a success," noted William Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard. "I like the odds. "

Bush Celebrates Victory Over Insurgents

2007-05-29T11:02:00.000-04:00

Vows to rebuild Capitol, Congress ... eventually

Special to The WitList
28 May 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- Wearing a flight jacket and a broad smile, President Bush made a dramatic helicopter landing on the Capitol steps yesterday to commemorate last week's victory over the Democrat insurgents.

Standing in front of a sign declaring “Submission Accomplished,” Mr. Bush praised Congress for continuing to fund the War to Nowhere minus timetables for troop withdrawal or meaningful ways to measure the war's progress.

“Major combat operations against the Democrat insurgents have ended,” he declared. “In the battle for Iraq war funding, the Republicans and its allies have prevailed.”

The president said he planned to rebuild the Capitol by cutting off its water and power and planting incendiary devices in office trash cans. He also vowed to track down insurgent leader Cindy Sheehan, who is believed to be hiding somewhere in the northern territories of California.

The new funding will allow the White House to achieve its goal of keeping the troops in Iraq until victory is achieved or another administration takes over, whichever comes first.

“We won the war, but we're not about to lose the peace,” noted one highly placed advisor who was not Karl Rove. The aide defined “victory in Iraq” as the day presidential candidates can walk safely on the streets of Baghdad protected by only a handful of heavily armed bodyguards instead of an entire Marine battalion.

To mark its new definition for victory, the White House announced that Operation Iraqi Freedom will now officially be known as Operation Make Iraq Slightly Less Dangerous Than Detroit.

The president once again thanked U.S. soldiers for sacrificing their lives to save what's left of his reputation.

Alberto 'Gonzo' Gonzales Shines in Senate Appearance

2007-04-24T12:21:00.000-04:00

Attorney General's testimony gives hope to Alzheimers victims

24 April 2007
Special to the WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- Alberto Gonzales returned to his office yesterday after a triumphant appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee last week. The Attorney General's rousing testimony included 55 responses where he could not recall events that had happened a few months prior, and others where he directly contradicted testimony he had presented earlier to the same committee.

“That kind of performance guarantees you a job for life in this town,” declared President Bush, referring to Gonzales by his White House nickname, the Panicked Hispanic. With only 6 of the nation's 49 Republican senators calling for Gonzales to step down, Bush termed the performance “a resounding success.”

Gonzales spent weeks preparing for his testimony, listening to countless renditions of the Peter Gabriel song, “I don't remember, I don't recall, I got no memory of anything at all.”

When probed about former U.S. Attorney David Inglesias, who was fired after failing to prosecute New Mexican Democrats on the eve of the 2006 elections, Gonzales replied, “Dave's not here man,” a reference to the popular Cheech and Chong routine of the early 1970s. During a 20-minute interrogation by New York Senator Charles Schumer, Gonzalez responded by performing his impersonation of beloved Hispanic stereotype, Jose Jimenez.

Of the eight U.S. Attorneys fired last fall, four had been investigating crimes allegedly committed by the White House's Republican allies. Two others were faulted for not mounting prosecutions against Democrats, despite a lack of evidence to support the charges.

White House insiders say the U.S. Attorney purge was merely an effort to bring political balance to our nation's minimum security prisons. “We were trying to achieve a more bipartisan inmate population,” the source said. “We're hoping to reach through the bars to the Democrats in the other cells.”

Cheney Limbaugh in 2008!

2007-04-05T21:15:00.000-04:00

Could Dick Cheney follow in the footsteps of the last two-term Republican vice president? At least one major New York City newspaper thinks so. Among unannounced, potential 2008 presidential candidates "the one that who [sic] would bring the most to the race is Vice President Cheney," writes New York City's daily newspaper The Sun in an editorial. -- RawStory

WASHINGTON, DC -- Calling presidential elections “a quaint but outdated ritual,” Vice President Richard Cheney declared his intention to assume the presidency in 2008, following the end of President George W. Bush's current term.

“If elected I shall serve, and if not elected I shall also serve. And if you don't like it, you can all go ...well, you know the rest,” Cheney said in a news conference held in a secret bunker somewhere below Washington, DC.

According to recent polls, the vice president enjoys an approval rating of 18%, placing his popularity slightly behind Dr. Jack Kevorkian (22%) and just ahead of hemorrhoids (14%).

Cheney declined to name prospective vice presidential candidates, but indicated that right-wing radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh and Fox News personality Sean Hannity were “strong contenders.”

Sources inside the VP's office said a Cheney cabinet could include Katherine Harris as Secretary of State, former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling as National Security Advisor, and Ann Coulter as Ambassador to the United Nations.

Cheney said his first two acts as president would be to pardon all of the Republicans currently behind bars and to launch immediate nuclear strikes against Damascus, Tehran, and Boston, Massachusetts.

“We've got 10,635 nuclear warheads,” he growled. “Nobody's going to miss three or four of them.”

The vice president dismissed concerns about his health, stating that 72% of his internal organs had already been replaced by genetically engineered implants that will allow him to live – and rule – until the year 2038.

Mistakes Were Made

2007-03-14T20:10:00.000-04:00

Gonzales: 'Mistakes were made' in U.S. attorneys' firings

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said Tuesday that "mistakes were made" regarding the firing of eight U.S. attorneys and he accepts responsibility for the ordeal. "My pledge to the American people is to find out what went wrong here," he said. "As we can all imagine, in an organization of 110,000 people, I am not aware of every bit of information that passes through the halls of justice, nor am I aware of all decisions.”

Mistakes were made
Vital information was not relayed
We are extremely dismayed
To report: Mistakes were made

When failures are truly massive
There's no voice better than the passive
To hide the guilty parties from plain view
And obscure forever exactly who screwed who

Never once admit you lied
Say “incomplete information was supplied.”
When the truth is finally displayed
Just shrug and say, “Mistakes were made.”

Accept responsibility? Sure
But never take the blame
Whether you're faking a case for war
Or outing Valerie Plame

Giving Osama a free pass
Putting spies up everyone's ass
Firing lawyers who failed to toe the line
Or dared pursue Republicans' crimes

Express neither remorse nor regret
Eventually the public will forget
And you'll regain the people's trust
Mistakes were made. But not by us.

When it says guilty guilty guilty on the label label label

2007-02-14T11:03:00.000-05:00

It's a sad day here for The WitList. Not only is Lewis “Scooter” Libby not going to testify at his own trial, neither is his former boss. We've been denied the spectacle of Dick Cheney on the witness stand, muttering like Captain Queeg from the Caine Mutiny:

Ah, but the WMDs, that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the plutonium storage facility did exist, and I've had produced that key if they hadn't moved the nukes to Syria...

A great opportunity for the world to see just how batshit crazy the man is, now lost forever.

But there was no way Libby's defense would allow that. This trial isn't about Libby's innocence, assuming those two words should be allowed to mingle so closely inside the same sentence. Libby's “selective amnesia” defense is so lame it seems deliberate. (To summarize: He was so wrapped up in affairs of state that he forgot about the high-level meetings with Cheney (complete with notes), the phone calls with Matt Cooper, the three (3) meetings he had with Mistress Judy of the Turning Aspens, and so on.)

It's the same tactic Libby is essentially on trial for: throwing sand in the umpire's eyes, to use Fitzgerald's colorful description. (He's clearly a long-suffering Cubs fan). Keeping the prosecutor away from the vice president, the architect of the nightmare in Iraq. Keeping the press and public away from the real story: not the outing of a CIA agent, but the manufacturing of a war and Cheney's bloodless coup d'etat.

Libby's job is to fall on his sword. He's the Ollie North of this debacle, only without Fawn Hall to sex him up. And unlike North, he's going willingly but not quickly. That's the key.

Libby could have simply plead guilty and avoided a public trial. Wasn't gonna happen. It's not merely that no one in the Bush Administration will ever admit to doing anything wrong – at this moment I'm sure someone at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. is figuring out a way to blame Nancy Pelosi and/or Iran for outing Valerie Plame. It's that the process would have been over much too quickly, possibly even before the 2004 elections. Libby would have had to do actual time, which might have swayed his loyalties. At this point, he probably won't.

Here's how it plays out. Libby is found guilty of perjury and obstruction of justice. Of course, it's possible he'll get off (if they can fix an election, they can fix a jury), but I don't see that happening. His attorney Ted Wells appeals, seeks a mistrial or a retrial, citing some procedural issue or legal technicality, because that's what $700 an hour lawyers do. So we're looking at a year's worth of motions and counter motions. Add another six months before Libby is even sentenced, and a few more before he's scheduled to show up at a Club Fed minimum security prison.

Then, just a few weeks before Libby is fitted for an orange jumpsuit, he gets a presidential pardon, along with a motley crew of GOP felons. I expect the Bush pardonfest will make Clinton's look like Judgment at Nuremberg, with Libby's name at the top of the list.

Libby goes on to collect his reward for playing the loyal soldier: A nice cushy job with the American Enterprise Institute, a partnership position with Ken Starr's law firm, or a sweet lobbying gig on K Street.

The only person to do time for this crime? Judy Miller.

We wuz robbed. Yet again.

Ted Haggard Claims Tryst With Anna Nicole

2007-02-12T13:21:00.000-05:00

Former pastor promotes his paternal potential

Special to the WitList
12 February 2007

NASSAU, BAHAMAS -- As further proof of his newly rediscovered heterosexuality, the Reverend Ted Haggard has declared himself the biological father of Anna Nicole Smith's five-month-old daughter.

The disgraced evangelist, who resigned as pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in November after admitting to sex with a male prostitute, says he met the deceased-yet-buxom Smith at a conference on Family Values last January. Afterwards, he says, the pair engaged in extensive missionary activities while smoking crystal meth.

“Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern is our love child,” the pastor declared.

Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley, who recently emerged after spending three months in a Scientology-based rehabilitation center, has declared that he too is the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Foley says he rediscovered his latent heterosexuality after undergoing personal counseling sessions with Operating Thetan Tom Cruise.

“For too many years I was a straight man trapped inside the body of an aging homosexual pedophile,” Foley said in a prepared statement. “Anna Nicole showed me the way home.”

Besides Haggard and Foley, the list of potential fathers includes Florida attorney Howard K. Stern; radio personality Howard A. Stern; celebrity photographer Larry Birkhead; Prince Frederic von Anhalt of Germany; Prince Rogers Nelson of Minneapolis; a frozen batch of 12-year-old sperm from Smith's late billionaire husband J. Howard Marshall; and, just because he was feeling left out, Hugh Hefner.

Smith's estate has established a Web site where other potential fathers of Dannielynn can apply for paternity status. However, the site, www.who's-my-daddy.com, is no longer accepting applications from those who merely wish to have sex with the former Playmate.

Conservative Group Withdraws Limbaugh's Nobel Nomination

2007-02-02T13:59:00.000-05:00

Lack of pepperoni is key to the decision

Special to The WitList
2 February 2007

LEESBURG, VA -- Landmark Legal Foundation has withdrawn its nomination of Rush Limbaugh for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize, just one day after nominating the portly talk radio host for the honor.

“It was all just an unfortunate misunderstanding,” says Mark R. Levin, president of the ultra-conservative public interest law firm. Levin declined to elaborate on the nature of the misunderstanding, but admits the foundation was asked by Limbaugh to both offer the nomination and then rescind it. The self-described 'Head Ditto-head' serves as an unpaid member of Landmark's board.

Sources inside the foundation say the Titanic-sized talker believed he was being nominated for the Nobel Pizza Prize, which comes with a cash award of $100 Norwegian Kroner (approximately US$16) and a year's free supply of Domino's. When Limbaugh realized he was being nominated for his efforts to promote peace, understanding, and fraternity between nations, the porcine provocateur declined the honor, calling it “something communists like Al Gore would probably get behind.”

Limbaugh continues to be in the running for several other prestigious awards, including High Times Magazine's Man of the Year, for his continuing work to popularize the use of Oxycontin among our nation's mobile home population.

Bush Defends Urge to Surge

2007-01-25T09:34:00.000-05:00

Asks for nation's hope, prayers, Ibuprofen

Special to The WitList
24 January 2007

SCRANTON, PA -- President Bush has embarked on a nationwide speaking tour to drum up support for his new policy in Iraq. Here is the transcript of his message to the American Legion in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

I speak today to urge the American people and the United States Congress to support my call for a troop surge in Iraq.

In last November's election the American people have spoke, and I have listen. Unfortunately they used words longer than two syllables. I hate that.

But they sent a clear message. And that message was, Go F**k Yourselves. Oh, wait. Sorry. That was Dick Cheney's message. I had it written down on one of those sticky notes on my desk....here it is. Their message was, Don't give up hope. Don't give up on our troops. Don't give in to the terrorists. Don't double down on a pair of eights when the dealer is showing a face card. Oops, my bad -- that was Bill Bennett's message.

I leave the war to the personnel on the ground, but I am the decider in chief, the decision-makerer. So when our generals asked for 500,000 troops, we gave them 150,000. When our troops asked for body armor, we gave them free trips to DisneyWorld. You know those guys always exaggerate. Look at the Cold War. Those Russians were pussies.

Now Iraq stands on the brink of a civil war. Sunnis and Shiites are spending so much effort killing each other they don't have time to kill us. Is that a brilliant stragetery or what? And you all thought I was a moron.

Now we need 21,500 more American troops -- just one more soldier for every 8 square miles of desert. You'd need a spy satellite to find one of them. But it will make all the difference.

Have I lied to you before? Cause when I'm lying my upper lip does this little twitchy thing, right in the corner, and when I said that just now it didn't do that.

This is the right course. I feel it in my heart, and in my loins, and that strange tingly sensation down the back of my leg, which Laura says might just be a pinched nerve.

I believe we can still win. I believe God gave me this job for a reason. I believe Karl Rove is a genius. I believe Fox News. I'll believe anything Dick tells me to believe.

Because I am a man of hope. And with enough hope, and prayers, and endless debates about pointless policy changes, we can hang on long enough in Iraq to blame the Democrats for this mess.

God bless you, and God bless America.

Mary Cheney's Status Confirmed

2006-12-08T10:57:00.000-05:00

Birth scheduled to come upon a midnight clear

Special to The WitList
8 December 2006

BETHESDA, MD -- Doctors at Walter Reed Hospital have confirmed that, though she is with child, vice presidential daughter Mary Cheney is still a virgin.

"It's a miracle," said Dr. Bombay, chief of obstetrics at Walter Reed, adding that he hadn't seen anything like this in at least 2,000 years.

Ms. Cheney is now late in her third trimester and plans for a natural childbirth. She is scheduled to give birth on or about December 25 at Manger Memorial Hospital in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

White House press secretary Tony Snow says the Bush administration hoped to send emissaries to be present at the birth, but so far has been unable to locate three wise men. Instead, it will be represented by John Bolton, Paul Wolfowitz, and Donald Rumsfeld.

White House officials declined to confirm whether this is indeed the second coming or that The Apocalypse was imminent. However, the National Weather Service is warning of severe conditions later in the month, including clouds raining fire, swarms of locusts, and rude beasts walking the earth. True believers have been advised to stay in doors and wait for the rapture.

"Now I'm glad we haven't done shit to stop global warming," said a senior White House official. "What a waste that would have been."

Rumsfeld Statue Toppled in DC

2006-11-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

But Demos victory celebration may be short lived

Special to The WitList
9 November 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Democrats were greeted as liberators today as Operation American Freedom swept through this long besieged city, taking back both the US House of Representatives and the Senate.

Long-repressed liberals danced and wept in the streets they toppled the statue of Donald Rumsfeld, which had cast its long shadow over the Pentagon for the past six years.

Wearing a flight suit, new House Speaker Nancy Pelosi emerged from a Huey 1 helicopter that had landed on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and declared "major combat operations have ended."

However, senior political advisors said the mission was still far from accomplished. The leader of the Republican Guard, Richard Cheney, is still at large. He is believed to be hiding in a spider bunker in a GOP stronghold outside Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Rather than surrendering, disgruntled members of the Guard may simply melt into the general population, where they can plant incendiary news stories and wreak havoc on Democrats trying to rebuild the country.

Advisors warn that, if not managed carefully, post-election America could end up snared in a bruising and endless civil war.

Republicans Snatch Victory from Jaws of Defeat

2006-11-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

Fiendishly clever plan ensures permanent GOP rule

Special to The WitList
8 November 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Democrat's landslide victory in the 2006 midterm elections was in fact part of a fiendish plan by Republicans to rule the country indefinitely, sources report.

"They've fallen completely into our trap," says a senior White House advisor who asked to remain anonymous because it's more fun. "Over the past six years we've screwed up the country so thoroughly it will be impossible for the Democrats to fix it. The country will reject the failed Democrat leadership just in time for the 2008 presidential elections.... and we will rule FOREVER!"

When he finished rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally, the advisor cited several reasons for an inevitable Democrat meltdown:

Iraq is a permanent quagmire with no possible solution. The Bush Administration ran out of options after its request for a "do over" was rejected by the United Nations Security Council earlier this year.
Thanks to the White House's "Nukes for Kooks" campaign, Iraq and North Korea will soon have the capability to irradiate large portions of the planet.
There's no money left in the treasury. The $2 trillion in bullion stored in the vault at Fort Knox has been secretly replaced with chocolate bars wrapped in gold cellophane.
The country will be facing a critical shortage of prisons, as former Republican Congressional leaders come up for sentencing.

Brilliant last-minute maneuvering by the Republicans helped ensured the defeat. "That Foley thing was genius," he adds. "It had Karl Rove's fingerprints all over it."

When pressed for comment, President Bush merely said, "Quack quack -- quack-quack-quack-quack-quack," and limped off the stage.

One in Three Americans Believe Saddam Behind 9/11

2006-09-25T20:53:00.000-04:00

Also unable to identify key body parts, form coherent sentences

Special to The WitList
25 September 2006

A New York Times/CBS News survey last week revealed that one in three Americans -- some 31% -- still believe Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks. This comes despite numerous public statements to the contrary by President Bush, including one last month when he virtually shouted that Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11 during a televised news conference.

The WitList has secretly obtained the raw data from that survey. It turns out pollsters asked several additional questions of that benighted 31% whose answers have never been revealed -- until now.

Survey Says

... when asked to locate their own buttocks, 63% pointed to a map of Brazil. However, 12% correctly identified Brasilia as their ass's capital.

.... 43% think Madonna (the singer) is the birth mother of Jesus (the savior). However, only 17% believe she is still a virgin.

.... 57% said they believe the earth is shaped like a pizza -- mostly flat with a raised lip around the edge so the fish don't fall off. More than half believe the continents were formed when pepperoni collided with molten cheese.

.... 72% declared they don't believe in evolution, global warming, or electricity. An additional 22% volunteered that they don't quite understand how Rush Limbaugh manages to get small enough to fit inside their car radios.

Of those surveyed, 73% identified themselves as Republican, 14% claimed to be independent, and the rest couldn't remember the question. All, however, said they watched Fox News religiously.

President Bush Not Responsible for 9/11

2006-09-11T10:09:00.000-04:00

New study finds Clinton administration entirely to blame

Special to The WitList
11 September 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush was not asleep at the wheel on 9/11 and did not act cowardly or indecisive in the moments following the attack, according to a new study by The Bowtie Institute (BTI). The study was commissioned by the Youth With a Ministry evangelical group and prepared in conjunction with the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11."

"The President is entirely blameless for the tragic events that befell our country five years ago," says T. Phineas Gage, chief research scientist for BTI. "In fact, our research shows that the Clinton administration is responsible for every human tragedy since January 2001."

Gage says the liberal media continues to spin half truths and misconceptions about the President's behavior before and after 9/11.

The Liberal Spin: After the second tower was hit on the morning of September 11, 2001, President Bush continued to sit as if paralyzed for seven minutes while listening to Florida elementary students read "My Pet Goat."

The Facts: Mischievous second graders had glued the president's pants to the chair, and it took him that long to quietly work himself free. The grade schoolers in question were later discovered to be distant cousins of the Clinton clan. They have since been re-enrolled at Guantanamo Bay Prep.

The Liberal Spin: After the attacks, the President disappeared for several hours, leaving New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani as the only national political figure not cowering under a desk.

The Facts: The President's failure to make an appearance was due to mechanical difficulties with Air Force One. During times of national crisis, the plane's sat-nav system had been programmed to make random stops at airforce bases near the homes of Clinton's old girlfriends. The 'Emergency Booty Call' routine has since been de-activated.

The Liberal Spin: More than a month before the attacks, President Bush received a briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in US."

The Facts: This briefing was misinterpreted due to a mistake by a White House typist originally hired during the Clinton Administration. The memo actually said "Obama," not Osama, causing the president to order 24/7 surveillance on Senator Barack Obama. The surveillance continues to this day.

The Liberal Spin: Despite numerous requests by then anti-terrorism czar Richard Clark, the Bush Administration held exactly one cabinet level meeting to discuss the threat from 'al Qaeda' -- one week before 9/11.

The Facts: In addition to removing all the "w's" from computer keyboards prior to President Bush's arrival, Clinton staffers also removed the 'Q' pages from the White House's English-to-Arabic dictionaries. Confusion over whether the correct spelling was "qaeda," "queda," or "qa'ida" caused a tragic delay in scheduling the meetings.

The Liberal Spin: U.S. forces had Osama Bin Laden surrounded in Tora Bora in December 2001 yet failed to attack, allowing the mastermind of 9/11 to get away scot free.

The Facts: The BTI has obtained classified video footage showing President Clinton parachuting into the mountains on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border and putting his body between Bin Laden and U.S. forces. Subsequent footage shows the former commander in chief hugging Bin Laden and giving him noogies.

Gage says the report was based on the findings of the 9/11 commission and several blogs he found while searching for nude pictures of Ann Coulter. The BTI is currently putting the final touches on its next report, titled "Hurricane Katrina: A Disaster of Clintonian Proportions."

A Letter to Bob Iger, CEO, Disney

2006-09-08T10:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Bob:

First, I want to say thanks for deciding to air "The Path to 9/11" on the ABC network this weekend. It's a rare opportunity to see Disney's political bias out in the open. Usually when major US corporations attempt to manipulate the political process to their advantage they do it more covertly. I'm glad to see you guys wearing your politics on your sleeves.

It isn't every day a major television network takes the most horrific event in the past 50 years and fictionalizes it for the benefit of its friends in the White House. How brave of you. How patriotic.

I'm sure it will be highly educational for all of the schoolchildren you've co-opted into watching with the help of Scholastic. I haven't seen such a smooth effort to influence our nation's children since RJ Reynolds introduced Joe Camel and put him on billboards outside elementary schools. Nice work.

Thanks also for deciding to run the show without commercial interruption, making it impossible for those misguided few who disagree with the program to boycott its sponsors. I understand the show will cost $40 million. I'm sure the grieving families of the 2,973 Americans who died on that day will appreciate Disney's sacrifice.

I also want to thank you for making my life easier. No longer will I have to worry about watching ABC programs (not that I watched many to begin with) or buying Disney products. Frankly, the movies and TV shows mostly suck, though I will miss Pixar and The Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

I won't have to write about Disney products. No more casual references to "Desperate Housewives," no reviews of Disney phones, MP3 players, computers, games, etc. in the stories I write for national magazines and Websites. My life will be blissfully Disney free.

Best of all, I no longer have to go to Disneyworld! Thank the Lord. My kids will be upset, but they'll get over it eventually. And I'll save thousands of dollars that I can put toward my children's education. Maybe they'll learn how to tell fact from fiction, or how to recognize when someone is lying to them for their own selfish ends. That would be yet another good thing that comes out of your program. And again, I'll have you to thank for it.

Best,

Dan Tynan
Former customer

White House Officials Say Terrorists More Dangerous Than Ever

2006-08-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

But assures us Bush Administration has made us safer

Special to The WitList
30 August 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House continued its media blitz today in an effort to obscure coverage of the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

In a speech before a VFW convention on Monday, Vice President Dick Cheney declared that as bad as things in Iraq are, they could probably get worse -- and that it was all Ned Lamont's fault.

The next day, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld told the American Legion that Democrats are pansies, and only the Republican Party has the will to manufacture a terrorist threat where there was none and then fight it until a once stable country collapses into total chaos.

Meanwhile, the White House plans a gala extravaganza to mark the five-year anniversary of the attacks of 9/11. The $40 million memorial will feature a Texas-style barbecue on the White House Lawn, followed by a $10,000 a plate fundraising appearance by the president and 15 seconds of silence.

"9/11 was a tragedy for America, but it's been pretty good to us," said RNC chairman Ken Mehlman.

Mehlman admitted that Vice President Cheney briefly considered shooting someone else in the face to grab headlines, but denied rumors it paid John Mark Karr to confess to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. Karr, whose media hysteria rating has been downgraded from Red (child kidnapper/killer) to orange (garden variety perv) was unavailable for comment. Representatives of Mr. Karr reported that he was currently in California, confessing to the Lindbergh kidnapping and the murder of actress Sharon Tate.

In other news: The Department of Homeland Security has boosted the terror threat level to Really Dark Red with Scary Black Lines Running Through It, causing panic at the nation's airports. A plane bound for Los Angeles yesterday was diverted to Cincinnati today after a passenger was allegedly overheard saying he wanted to 'kill the president'. Witnesses later confirmed the passenger actually said, 'I spilled my breath mints.'

George Allen's Blues (aka 'The Macaca Song')

2006-08-28T22:06:00.000-04:00

(sung to the tune of 'The Rapper,' for those of you old enough to remember)

There goes that darkie, he's stealing my car keys
No wait, he's just taping one of my campaign stops
Watch while I taunt him, it'll be big fun
What can he do? Cry for help, Call the cops?

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

Welcome to my state, isn't it just great
To be living for free and collecting welfare
You say you were born here and your name is Siddartha?
The borders would be closed now if I had my way

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

My dad coached the Redskins, he was a big man
A friend of Dick Nixon with connections galore
And plenty of money. In what other country
Can a ofay like me be called Senator?

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

The White House was calling, but my numbers are falling
That job should have been mine by 2009
Now that brown monkey, Webb's video flunky,
Has screwed me big time out of my destiny

Mac-a-mac-a-mac
He called him 'macaca'
Crack crack crack
But he's just a cracker

Senator Allen Says He's Sorry... Again

2006-08-24T11:22:00.000-04:00

Apologizies for racist comments he denies making

Special to The WitList
24 August 2006

MT VERNON, VA -- Senator George Allen (R-Virginia) issued another in an ongoing series of apologies today as his re-election campaign attempts to recover from allegations of racism.

Allen was captured on videotape last week calling Democratic campaign worker S. R. Sidarth a 'macaca,' or monkey, and then welcoming him to America. Sidarth is of Indian descent but was born in Virginia.

Today, Allen admitted to occasionally using other racial slurs in casual conversation. He apologized to Senator Barack Obama for calling him a jigaboo, jungle bunny, biscuit lips, Sambo, chicken bandit, darkie, ghetto hamster, an Africoon American, and "Senator Buckwheat Bambooma."

Allen also apologized for calling Senator Hillary Clinton a "rug-munching bull dyke," and for attempting to hire former HUD Secretary Henry Cisneros to mow his lawn.

Allen's campaign manager Dick Wadhams claimed the use of such terms merely indicates that Senator Allen maintains a colorful vocabulary. He then blamed the liberal media for reporting what the Senator actually said instead of what he felt inside his heart.

In a survey of Virginia voters likely to vote Republican, 42% said they support Allen despite his racist comments, 37% support him because of his racist comments, and 21% said they wished he'd return to his former job as coach of the Washington Redskins.

Good Bye Joe! (a song)

2006-08-17T13:48:00.000-04:00

Sung to the tune of "Jambalaya (On the Bayou)"

Good bye Joe, you gotta go, mi-oh my-oh
You gotta go just like that schmoe Ney from Ohio
Cunningham, Katherine Harris, and Delay-oh
One day soon all W's goons are gonna pay-oh

You ran with Gore, that's for sure, and we're grateful
But this whoring for the war is kind of hateful
The attack on Iraq was just shameful
And 'al Queda's candidate'? We've had a plateful

Move aside, Joe it's time, that's for damned sure
That's the word heard from Hawaii to New Hampshire
Ned took a stand, he's our man, that should end it
You blew it on Iraq, now don't defend it

G.O.P, R-N-C, that's your new home
With the chickenhawks and jarheads, that's where they roam
You got kissed, 'George's bitch' is your new name
Let Rumsfeld, Rice or Cheney be your new flame

Good bye Joe, you gotta go, mi-oh my-oh
You gotta go just like that schmoe Ney from Ohio
Cunningham, Katherine Harris, and Delay-oh
One day soon all W's goons are gonna pay-oh

(With apologies to the late Hank Williams.)

Toys for the Republican in Your Home

2006-08-09T10:50:00.000-04:00

Just in time for the holiday shopping and election season, GOPco (a division of Permanent Majority Inc.) presents these exciting new toys:

Tom Delay's Whack-a-Mole: Whack Tom over the head in Texas, and he pops up in Virginia. Sure to delight children of all ages while teaching them valuable lessons in geography and politics. Comes with its own special Hammer.

Rock 'em Sock 'em Joebots. These battling Joe Liebermans can never be defeated. Knock his block off, and he gets back up and declares himself an independent. Available in red, rose, crimson, scarlet, or puce.

Bob Ney Hand Puppet: Stick your hand up this Ohio Congressman's behind and he'll say anything you tell him to. Enjoy hours of fun slandering your enemies and promoting friends' business interests in the Congressional Record. Order yours now before he's indicted!

Jack in the Box: In this new version of the classic wind-up toy, Jack Abramoff pops up to implicate yet another elected official in the K-Street lobbying scandal. Available in black-and-white stripes or Federal orange.

Growing-Up Kathy: This life-sized Katherine Harris action figure is one of a kind. Pull her string and watch as she denies all allegations and fires her latest campaign manager. Made from 100% recycled trash. Limit: One per planet.

G.I. George: This action toy comes with several smart-looking military outfits but no gun. So you can dress him up, but he won't fight -- the perfect gift for the chickenhawk in your family. Built-in voicebox includes such sayings as "Mission Accomplished," "As they stand up, we'll stand down," and "He can run, but he cannot hide."

The Wincheney 73: Play big-time water fowl hunter with this air rifle, an exact replica of one used by the Vice President. Order now and you'll receive for no extra charge the Dick Cheney Bird Call: "Go Duck Yourself!" (not suitable for minors)

Fox Network Announces New Fall Lineup

2006-08-06T11:49:00.000-04:00

New shows to merge entertainment with conservative values

Special to The WitList
5 August 2006

In an effort to spread the successful Fox News strategy to its entertainment division, the Fox Broadcasting Company has announced additions to its fall lineup that it hopes will appeal directly to the 35 percent of Americans who can't tell the difference between George W. Bush and Homer Simpson. Here's what the new shows will look like.

Who Wants to Spread Democracy?

In this reality series, six strangers are thrown together into a situation room at the Pentagon. Their mission: to overthrow a small oil-rich nation and install a US friendly government. They have just six weeks to fabricate a rationale for war, draw up plans, and declare victory. Anyone who opposes them will be voted off the planet.

Freaks and Dekes

Delta Kappa Epsilon president George wakes up after a big blowout to suddenly find himself president of the country. In episode one, George holds a kegger on the White House lawn while his wise-yet-wacky vice president tries to keep the country running. George responds with his trademark catch phrase, "I'm the leader of the free world -- chill, dude."

Scared Straight II

A reprise of the landmark 1970's TV series that tried to straighten out wayward youth by showing them the horrors of prison. In this newly updated version, gay youth are kidnapped and converted to God's only true form of love by being shown the horrors of homosexuality. Hosted by the Reverend James C. Dobson.

The Compassionate Conservatives

Lovely Ann Coulter and jolly Rush Limbaugh star as The Himmlers, a successful suburban couple in West Palm Beach. In the first episode, hilarity ensues when a black family tries to move into the neighborhood. Ann organizes the PTA into a lynch mob, while Rush tries to cop some "Oxy" from their teenage son. Katherine Harris guest stars.

In other programming news, Fox is putting the highly anticipated Mel Gibson miniseries, "The Jews: Hook Nosed Killers of Christ," on temporary hiatus due a scheduling conflict with Mr. Gibson's drug counselors

Lieberman to Launch New Political Party

2006-07-12T12:14:00.000-04:00

Vows to continue sucking up to White House

12 July 2006
Special to the WitList

HARTFORD, CN -- Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn) has revealed his intention to create his own political party, the WitList has learned.

The three-term senator says if he loses his state's Democratic primary to upstart candidate Ned Lamont, he will launch a third national party that would appeal to moderates unhappy with cut-throat conservatives and chicken-hearted liberals.

"I believe there is a middle ground between the party of division and the party of indecision," Lieberman declared. "I believe you can be both divisive and indecisive at the same time."

Lieberman said he was still mulling whether to call his party the Demopublicans or the Republocrats, though highly placed sources claim he is leaning toward "Liebertarians."

The former vice presidential candidate promised his new party would be very strong on national security, though he conceded that by "nation" he was referring largely to Israel.

Lieberman also said his party would strongly favor earmarking, the process by which members of Congress say "thanks" to large campaign donors by awarding them billions of dollars worth of government contracts at the last possible moment.

"I believe every state should build a 'Bridge to Nowhere,' " said Lieberman. "And if enough bridges are built, they will eventually connect and lead to somewhere, possibly even Hartford."

Lieberman denied that a third-party run would guarantee that Connecticut elected a senator even more friendly to Bush policies than he has been, if such a thing is possible.

"I believe that what's good for Joe Lieberman is good for Connecticut, and for the nation," he said. "But most especially for Joe Lieberman."

Happy 4th of July (George, if you're reading this...)

2006-07-04T10:38:00.000-04:00

Our founding fathers had a problem with King George. Apparently, so do we.

Here are some relevant excerpts from the Declaration of Independence (copied in full below, and available here as well). Sound familiar?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness....That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government ....it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
The history of the present King ... is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

We Hold These Truths to Be Self Evident

2006-07-04T10:36:00.000-04:00

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Limbaugh Detained on Drug Charges

2006-06-27T07:18:00.000-04:00

Radio host strip searched at airport, thousands flee

Special to the WitList
27 June 2006

PALM BEACH -- Right wing radio host Rush Limbaugh has been detained at the Palm Beach International Airport on suspicion of possessing illegal prescription drugs, The WitList has learned.

Limbaugh was returning from a visit to the Dominican Republic, where he was named Asshole of the Year by the Dominican Council on Assholes. Limbaugh had been arrested on drug charges in April and reached a plea bargain with Palm Beach prosecutors. The portly pundit had been accused of "doctor shopping" in order to fill thousands of prescriptions for Oxycontin over a three month period.

Airport security officials reluctantly strip searched the rotund Republican, where they found a sizable cache of pharmaceuticals. Officials refused to specify where the pills were found, but sources report it was in a part of Florida where the sun seldom shines.

The drugs included Viagra and illegal male hormones. Limbaugh's publicist claims the fleshy fascist was merely carrying the pills for Ann Coulter, a resident of West Palm Beach and several other Florida counties, according to voter registration records.

Officials initially suspected the "Hillbilly Heroin" addict of attempting to smuggle a small caliber pistol in his pants pocket. The mistake was later attributed to an accidental overdose of Viagra, suffered when Limbaugh attempted to hide the pills under his tongue.

On hearing the news, Senatorial hopeful Katherine Harris cancelled a planned speaking engagement in Gainesville and chartered a private plane to be by Limbaugh's side.

"I cannot let this man suffer alone," cried a tearful yet strangely excited Harris. "Hasn't he been prosecuted enough?"

The GOP Cannot Be Bought

2006-06-25T20:57:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON - AP: Wanted: Face time with President Bush or top adviser Karl Rove. Suggested donation: $100,000. The middleman: lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Blunt e-mails that connect money and access in Washington show that prominent Republican activist Grover Norquist facilitated some administration contacts for Abramoff's clients while the lobbyist simultaneously solicited those clients for large donations to Norquist's tax-exempt group....

The GOP cannot be bought
The meeting that you long have sought
Can be arranged, though, for a cost
But the GOP cannot be bought

Republicans are not for sale
Their reputations are unfairly dented
Though some members can be rented
Try to buy them and you'll fail

A chat with Dick will cost you dear
But Rumsfeld's price is down this year
And if you've got $10K or so
You can be briefed by Tony Snow

Photo ops with presidents
Is money more than amply spent
Pictures of you shaking hands
Will run at least 100 grand

If you crave time with Rice or Rove
Just send a check to our man Grover
He'll book the meeting in a flash
But please, make it out to "cash"

He'll funnel it to Ralph, then Jack
It will eventually come back
Don't fret; your money won't be squandered
It smells more fresh once it's been laundered

The wheels of government would cease
To spin without sufficient grease
It's a tiny price to pay
For greed, profit, and the Republican way

But the GOP cannot be bought
I want to make this crystal clear
For this is an election year
The GOP cannot be bought

WebProNews and Plagiarism, Part Trois

2006-06-22T07:17:00.000-04:00

Here is the latest and possibly last chapter in my personal plagiarism saga. Thanks to the tireless efforts of Jonathan Bailey, proprietor of the Plagiarism Today blog, I have learned a little more about what went on over at WebProNews and its parent company iEntry these past few weeks.

(For you WitListers who haven't been following the saga, it appears I have been turned into a research assistant for one Alex Bard, alleged staff writer and serial borrower of published works from the New York Times, Associated Press, CNET, and others. For the details, see the WitList entries here and here.)

It seems the folks at WPN were shocked -- shocked -- to discover plagiarism going on in their offices, and had no idea anything of the sort was transpiring until the letter from PC World's attorneys landed on their doorstep. I am finding it hard to get my brain around this nugget of information, given the blatant nature of Bard's theft, the prior accusations of plagiarism against other WPN staffers, and the other apparent copy-and-paste artists on their staff, but let's take them at their word for now.

It also appears Mr. Bard has been disappeared. WPN refused to tell Bailey exactly what happened, but assured him that "we would be seeing no more of [Bard's] writing on any iEntry site." Sure enough, nothing with Bard's name attached has been posted on WPN since they received the letter on June 9, and his old posts have been taken down. If you Google his name you can still find cached copies, but the live links have been removed.

Perhaps Mr. Bard was fired, or maybe he's buried on that horse farm along with Jimmy Hoffa. I am fighting the urge to believe he never actually existed, though if you spend any time searching for information about him (and both Bailey and I have), you'll be shocked to learn how little there is to learn. He was a relatively new hire at WPN, and apparently had "presented an excellent resume with strong writing samples and appeared to be a great author." (Given that he probably stole some writing samples from me, I'll take that as a personal compliment.) But he has absolutely no Internet footprint outside of iEntry, and for a technology writer that is downright perverse.

So let's review. This guy, who from his photo appears to be pushing 50, shows up with a great resume and writing samples and applies for a job with a technology news organization, and nobody Googled him? Nobody said, 'Gee, I wonder what other editors think of him, maybe I'll call them'? He just shows up with a Pee-Chee folder filled with other people's work under his arm and they say "Great, you're hired"?

Like I said, this story is not going down very easily. I'm gagging on it. And even if it all were true, how iEntry handled this situation is disturbing and dishonest. Firing or at least reassigning Bard was a good move; burying that fact was not. WPN should have notified its readers that it had inadvertently republished work done by others, and apologized publicly -- as the New York Times did with Jayson Blair, or the Washington Post with Ben Domenech. They should have also apologized to me and the other writers whose work was filched, as well as the publications that employ us. In other words, if iEntry were truly a legitimate news organization, they would have acted legitimately. They would have done the right thing.

Just because you publish on the Net, or work for a third-tier news service in Lexington, Kentucky, doesn't mean the normal rules of decency and ethics don't apply. Maybe iEntry will eventually learn this. I'm not putting any money on it.

More than your minimum daily requirement of irony

2006-06-15T20:36:00.000-04:00

A friend commented on my last post about WebProNews by pointing me toward a story about online plagiarism written by (wait for it) Alex Bard -- aka Mr. Bozo. You'll find it here.

That's pretty rich, I thought. Then it occurred to me: he couldn't have written it himself. He must have stolen that story too. And sure enough, he did.

The original story appeared on the Boston Globe's web site on May 8, 2006. True to form, Bard nicked it the very same day for use on WebProNews.

Here are the first two graphs of the original story, written by Maura Welch:

Beth gets more than 500 hits per day at her blog, Cursed to First, which serves as a very personal homage to the Red Sox and the Patriots, so she knew that spicy entries like ''Chicks dig the long ball" were being read. She didn't realize until recently that they were also being ripped off.
Last month, an alert reader informed Beth that her blog was being plagiarized. Dozens of Beth's blog entries had been stolen, word-for-word, over six months. Names of people in her life were changed to the names of people whom the plagiarist apparently knew, creating the impression that she had lived Beth's experiences and had thought her thoughts.

Here's Alex Bard's version:

Beth's blog got more than 500 hits per day, mostly from Red Sox and New England Patriots fans, not an unusual occurrence since she lives in Boston.

But one of Beth's regular readers told her that her blog was being plagiarized on a regular basis, word-for-word over the past six months. The thief simply changed the names of Beth's friends in her post to those in the thief's post (which was, of course, actually Beth's). Still with me?

The rest of the story follows in a similar vein. In this case, Bard avoids a straight copy-and-paste job and instead goes for a quasi-folksy rewrite. But nowhere does he cite his source or indicate in any way that he did no actual reporting for the story. A less astute reader (I'm guessing WebProNews has a lot of them) would naturally assume Bard found the story himself and talked to the people quoted inside it.

It's beyond unethical. The man should be tarred and feathered, or maybe dipped in boiling hot chocolate sauce and rolled in pecans. He certainly shouldn't be holding down a journalism job, and he wouldn't be if iEntry Inc. were a legitimate publishing concern.

FYI, finding instances of plagiarism like this is really quite easy. Find some sentence in WebProNews that looks slightly less prosaic (quotes usually work nicely), then copy and paste it into Google. In this case, I searched on the phrase "Jonathan Bailey, the author of Plagiarism Today," and got seven hits. One was the Globe story, five others were web digests or blogs that referred to the story. Only WebProNews lifted the article in its entirety.

I have alerted the media, sending emails to editors at all the publications that Bard and WPN have ripped off. I also sent a note to Bailey, who did respond (thanks, Jonathan). So far I've heard precisely nothing back from the editors. Maybe they haven't gotten to my email yet. Or maybe this kind of theft has become so pervasive on the Web that it doesn't phase people anymore. I hope not. Because I'm tired of doing the heavy lifting for these talentless turds. I can't imagine I'm alone.

WebProNews and Plagiarism 2.0

2006-06-13T09:50:00.000-04:00

When I am not composing snarky satires for The WitList, I write fascinating stories about the Internet, gadgets, and assorted topics-du-geek for a wide range of magazines and Web sites. My work has appeared in PC World, Family Circle, Men's Fitness, Popular Science, and 40-odd other venues. I'm a busy guy.

Last month, my work also appeared in WebProNews, a low-rent technology news site. Only it appeared with someone else's name attached to it and -- even more galling -- someone else's copyright notice. How my story got there, and what ultimately happened to it, is what this blog entry is all about.

The story began when I received an email from a reader who had uncovered striking similarities between my Gadget Freak column on universal remotes ("One Remote to Rule Them All") and a story by Alex Bard in WebProNews called "Can One Remote Control Do It All? Probably not." [This story has since been removed from the site, but you can find a cached copy here.] Which one of us, he wondered, was the plagiarist?

The two stories had different intros and a few differences in phrasing, but otherwise they were identical. They covered the same topic and the same products, had the same structure, the same facts, the same complaints, and the same conclusions. But at the very end, Bard's story added a small note: "Additional information from PC World."

Thus bringing new meaning to the word "chutzpah."

Now, this particular Gadget Freak column is unlikely to win any Pulitzers. But it did require several days of honest work -- researching products, contacting vendors, getting gizmos shipped to me, testing and troubleshooting each one, writing my column, and dealing with three rounds of edits.

By contrast, it probably took Alex Bard all of 20 minutes to slap a new intro on my column and copy/paste the rest of it into his word processor.

I'm not complaining about how long it takes to write Gadget Freak; I'm well paid for my work, and I enjoy doing it. But it is my work; it belongs to me (and PC World), not some Bozo too lazy to do his own research.

So I did a little checking on Mr. Bozo, and discovered that I am in excellent company. Thirty minutes of Googling turned up stories from The New York Times, Associated Press, MSNBC, and CNET with Bard's name attached.

For example, a New York Times story by Maria Aspan titled "MySpace Will Play Host to a Free Magazine Issue" became an Alex Bard story called "My Space to Offer Free Magazine." Again the intro is new, but the essential facts and structure of both stories are the same.

A CNET story by Joris Evers titled "Circuit City Warns of Online Forum Attack" reappeared on WebProNews as "Online Forum Attack on Circuit City." This time, Bard was too lazy to extrude a new intro.

CNET's story begins:

Part of the Circuit City Web site was hacked and used in an attempt to install malicious code on PCs of unknowing visitors, the electronics retailer said Thursday.

Bard's story begins:

Part of the Circuit City Web site was hacked and used in an attempt to install malicious code on PCs of unknowing visitors, the electronics retailer said Thursday.

Bard did offer some (lame) advice near the end that was not in CNET's story, but the reporting was all Evers'.

On June 1 Alex Bard stole an AP story that ran on MSNBC as "Finance Firm Loses Data on 1.3M Customers" and republished it as "1.3 Million Customers Data Disappears From Financial Firm." He briefly cites MSNBC as the source, but otherwise runs the item nearly verbatim. Bard was apparently copying and pasting so fast that he missed the AP copyright line at the bottom of the story:

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Unfortunately, Bard isn't some rare reporter gone rogue. He's just a particularly egregious example of what you'll find throughout WebProNews and affiliated sites like SecurityProNews. In my brief survey of WebProNews, I did not find a single story that appeared to offer original reporting. Some writers were better than others at excerpting passages from their sources and linking to them, but most articles contained a passing reference to the source (no link) and then the rest was a light rewrite of the original. Entire quotes were lifted whole, as if the person quoted had spoken to WebProNews, with no indication that some other reporter had conducted the interview.

It's the High School Term Paper approach to Web publishing. Find it published elsewhere, rewrite it, call it your own. There's only one problem with this approach: It's illegal. It goes way beyond Fair Use and straight into Unfair Abuse.

You'd expect this kind of behavior from a blogger who didn't know any better, or a bot-driven splog created by some Eastern European hacker. But iEntry Inc., WebProNews' parent company, claims to deliver email newsletters to more than 4 million readers. If true, that would make them one of the largest e-publishers on the Net.

In other words, they should know better. And I suspect they do know better; but rather than invest in the resources necessary to do actual reporting, they piggyback on organizations that do and hope nobody notices.

This time, somebody did. PC World's attorneys sent a nastygram to WebProNews, and the story came down a few days later. But not before they tried to get away with keeping the story as is, adding the phrase "According to the following personal research done by Dan Tynan of PC World..." in paragraph three. Nice try, dickwads.

And soon, when this blog entry lands in the email inboxes of editors at the New York Times, AP, MSNBC, CNET, and the Washington Post (another WebProNews writer ripped them off), iEntry will be swimming in cease and desist letters. A covey of lawyers will descend upon them from a great height and begin gnawing on their entrails. If there's any justice in the world, Mr. Bard will soon be looking at a career change (may I suggest circus clown?) and iEntry will need to find a new Web publishing MO.

Or not. In any case, it ought to be fun to watch. Stay tuned for further developments.

Alberto Steams Toward US Shores

2006-06-12T13:04:00.000-04:00

Storm may cause permanent damage to property, Constitution

Special to The WitList Weather Desk
12 June 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Tropical Storm Alberto will lash the Florida shore later today on its way to becoming a full fledged hurricane. The first named storm of 2006 originated near Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and may reach the DC area by the weekend.

Alberto is expected to cause disruption to the nation's telecommunications infrastructure, causing private phone conversations to be heard from thousands of miles away. Web searches and email correspondence may be similarly affected.

With the potential for sustained winds of 150 miles per hour, Alberto could lift entire homes off their foundations and carry the occupants to secret prisons in undisclosed locations.

Storm victims are likely to find their heads held underwater for several minutes at a time, and to be abused by dogs and scantily clad interrogators while digital photographs are taken. Residents of trailer parks and people with Arabic-sounding names are advised to steer clear of Alberto's path.

Journalists covering the storm have been warned that their status as members of the fourth estate would offer no protection against the raging Alberto.

"Just because you're holding a microphone and wearing a flapping windbreaker doesn't mean you're untouchable," said a Department of Homeland Security official who asked to remain unnamed, lest he be investigated for leaking government secrets.

White House press secretary Tony Snow says the Bush adminstration does not condone hurricanes that torture, but it will do what needs to be done in the fight against weather. He added that Oval Office staffers have spent the last three days preparing for post-storm investigations by shredding memos and deleting email.

"We are ready to weather the storm," said Snow. "But nobody thinks it will be that bad."

The Ballad of the Republicans (or '2006 -- A Race Odyssey')

2006-06-11T09:03:00.000-04:00

An epic poem in five parts

I

And so they met, one wintry eve
The braintrust of the GOP
To stave off voter insurrection
And resurrect their hopes for re-election

"If we don't quickly change our luck
Come November we'll be sitting ducks
'Mr. 33 Percent' is stinking up the place
We must take steps to fortify our base:

The undereducated masses
The people who teach Bible classes
Crackers, gun nuts, and right wing shills
The grotesquely rich, the mentally ill

We need to generate excitement
So they'll forget all those indictments;
The graft, the greed, the gross corruption
Those missing weapons of mass destruction

The bridge to nowhere, Katrina's wake
The hookers at the Watergate
Our situation is so perilous
Even Diebold cannot save us"

So they unveiled a five-point plan
To maintain power o'er sea and land
And keep the country safely in their thrall
I shall now reveal it to you all

II

To show we're tough on law and order
We'll put 6,000 on the border
And build a fence from the gulf to the beaches
(But still let them in to pick the peaches)

Not "amnesty;" we'll call them "guests"
So they can work at our behest
Then kick them all back out again
Before the midterms in 2010

No question that the job is hard
So we'll call in the National Guard
After years of fighting in Baghdad
Texas won't seem all that bad

III

We'll need a plan for global warming
So we'll announce that we are forming
A research panel filled with expert sources:
Exxon, Chevron, and the Saudis, of course

The cause, they'll find, is not emissions
But insufficient patriotism
Our planet's air has hit a snag
From all those liberals burning flags

So there's no need to stop pollution
We'll just amend the Constitution
And while we're banning flaming flags
We'll keep their sons from marrying fags.

A marriage amendment -- that's the fight
To energize the religious right
And make them cry out "Bravo!
But you really had us at 'Schiavo' "

To make room for these new addenda
We'll cut the First and Fourth Amendments
Sure, the ACLU will be pissed
But otherwise they won't be missed

IV

If the nuke talks with Iran go bust
(And, trust us, they most surely must)
We'll unveil the ultimate weapon of persuasion:
A massive All-American invasion

When liberals claim this war's in error
We'll just call them soft on terror
The Democrats will naturally bend over
Saying 'Thank you sir, may I have another'

After Kabul, Baghdad, and soon El Paso
The troops we'll need are out of gasso
So when the Guardsmen finally run out
We'll start recruiting Eagle Scouts

Who cares if more young soldiers die
As long as our poll numbers rise
It's a tiny price to pay
For truth, justice, and the Republican Way

V

In this, our party's darkest hour
Freedom is at stake; not the country's -- ours
If we lose more than 15 seats
We'll be lucky if we're just impeached

It hardly needs be spoken
There is no law we haven't broken
So prison's the more likely end
For many of our Red State friends

All that legislative power
Won't buy much inside a prison shower
After screwing the country for 5+ years
It will be our turn to take it up the rear

To win this fight we have no choice
We must all speak together with one voice
And help Americans overcome their disbelief
That moron is still our Commander in Chief
Creative Commons Copyright 2006 by Dan Tynan. Feel free to share, but please keep this copyright notice with it.

President Bush Warns of New WMD Threat

2006-06-05T16:19:00.000-04:00

Gay marriage ban seen as vital to national security

Special to The WitList
5 June 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Warning of the threat posed by "Weapons of Marital Destruction," President George W. Bush has thrown his support behind a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage.

In a nationally televised speech, the president said his administration has uncovered evidence of links between sodomists and terrorism.

"We know where the WMDs are," the president declared, pointing to large map of the U.S. with San Francisco, Palm Beach, West Los Angeles, and New York City's East Village outlined in pink triangles.

The president denied that the proposed amendment was part of effort to ban homosexuality outright, characterizing it merely as an effort to ensure that gay people remain virgins.

"If gay people marry, they might end up sleeping together," the president warned. "That could lead to sex. Before long, the country would be overrun with gay babies. I will not let that happen on my watch."

The president threatened to send a battalion of marines to San Francisco's Castro District as a show of force. The city's gay community thanked the president for the gesture, but asked for at least 48 hours warning so it would have time to get a facial and a body wax.

The proposed amendment is considered to have no chance of passing. However, presidential spokesfluffer Tony Snow bristled at charges that the White House was engaging in gay bashing to shore up Bush's conservative base and give the GOP something to talk about other than the president's miserable approval ratings.

"It's been nearly two weeks since this White House has endured a new scandal," Snow said. "That's more than enough time for Americans to forget what a lousy job the president has been doing."

We're Only (Partly) Human, After All

2006-06-03T09:43:00.000-04:00

Researchers discover link between bacteria, GOP

Special to The WitList
3 June 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Institute for Genomic Research in Rockville, Maryland, has discovered that humans may be less human than previously thought. By examining the DNA found in samples of feces donated by a handful of adults, researchers discovered that up to 90% of our bodies may consist of bacteria.

The findings could have broad political implications. After the report was issued, House GOP leaders warned of illegal bacteria crossing our southern borders and taking jobs from hard-working American bacteria. Speaker Dennis Hastert asked if a bacterium should get the right to vote -- or, if it resides in Florida or Ohio, the right to vote Republican. Others noted that if bacteria were found to contribute to global warming they could be eligible for federal subsidies.

To gauge whether our government is being run by largely bacterial life forms, The WitList secretly obtained samples of genetic material from leading conservative figures. (We won't reveal the details of how we obtained the samples, but rest assured we were severely grossed out.)

Donald Rumsfeld's sample was found to contain just 8% human DNA and 92% slime mold. Leaders of the slime mold community immediately called upon the defense secretary to resign.

Conservative commentator Ann Coulter's sample was split almost evenly, 46% human and 54% reptile. After hearing the report, Coulter immediately blamed her reptilian DNA for causing her to falsify her voting registration records and vote in the wrong precinct, a felony in Florida.

"I clearly cannot be held accountable for the actions of my lizard cells," said Coulter, while dining on a bowl of live crickets. She added that this finding finally solves the mystery of why her complexion always changes color to match her clothing.

Senior White House advisor Karl Rove's DNA was composed of 61% human, 26% pit bull, and 13% Pillsbury Poppin' Fresh Dough. Rove has since garnered a new Oval Office nickname, "Turd Biscuit."

Dick Cheney's sample was found to contain no human DNA at all. However, before researchers could determine the composition of the vice president's genes, his sample overpowered the researchers and fled the lab. The FBI has issued an all-points-bulletin for the VP's feces, warning that it could be armed and dangerous.

Stay tuned for further news as this story develops.

Bush Nears Record

2006-05-12T10:47:00.000-04:00

President just five points away from Nixon's mark

Special to The WitList
12 May 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- According to Harris Interactive, President Bush's approval rating now stands at 29 percent. It is the first time the president's popularity has dropped below the 'magic 30 percent' figure in any poll.

Mr. Bush's new low puts him just five percentage points away from the all-time leader, Richard M. Nixon. The legendary Sultan of Sleaze registered an approval rating of just 24 percent in August 1974, days before he resigned in the wake of the Watergate scandal.

Anxious fans are now following the president's every appearance, waiting for history to happen. With a new domestic spying scandal in full swing and Rove indictments on the way, supporters are confident Bush will break the record some time this summer.

However, critics say Mr. Bush's record-breaking effort is tainted by his use of controlled substances in the 1970s and 1980s, which rendered him as simple-minded as a child.

"It's hard to be totally corrupt when you can't even spell 'corrupt'," says one aide, who declined to be named.

Critics also note the president has enjoyed advantages not available to Mr. Nixon. Though both men presided over an unpopular war and a scandal-plagued administration, Bush's quest for the record was aided by his disastrous response to Hurricane Katrina, a trigger-happy vice president, and the most corrupt GOP-lead Congress in more than 100 years.

Officials at Harris Interactive have stated that if the president does surpass Mr. Nixon's mark, there will be no asterisk next to his name in the record books.

"A record is a record, no matter how deplorable," said the spokesman.

Blueprint for a New American Revolution [ a rant]

2006-05-10T16:14:00.000-04:00

I am not a Democrat. I am certainly not a Republican. I am a Goddamned Independent. And the reason I am a Goddamned Independent is that the major political parties have abandoned me, while the minor ones are either too kooky or too narrow.

I don't think I'm alone. I'm willing to bet 20 to 25 percent of the voting public feels the same way. Maybe more, maybe less -- but certainly enough to swing an election. And of course, come November, I'm going to hold my nose and vote Democrat (again), and I'll do it once more in 2008, because the Bushpublicans are evil. That's not even debatable. But I won't enjoy it very much, and I won't be nearly as active in helping the Demos to win as I could be.

Why? Because there's not a single Democrat out there with any balls. There's certainly nobody who's willing to stake out original positions or piss off traditional constituency groups, not to mention major campaign donors. But that's what I want. I want somebody who has original ideas and isn't afraid to share them, even if I don't always agree with them. I want someone who doesn't stick a finger in the air to gauge the wind -- or hires pollsters to do it for her -- before she opens her mouth. (And yes, Hillary, I'm talking to you.)

So here's my ten-point plan to win the White House and get our country back, more or less in order of importance. I'm not pretending any of these are original or even grand ideas. But they might just work.

Attack the Republicans on national security. The Democrats are seen as weaker because they never engage in the debate. Why the f**k not? Who didn't even have al Qaeda on their radar? Who ignored the warnings that they were going to attack inside the US a month before they actually did? Who botched the hunt for Osama? Who failed to finish the job in Afghanistan? Who failed to engage Iran when they came to us three years ago? Who turned Iraq into a terrorist Disneyland? The answer to every question is the same. Why aren't the Demos asking them?

Come up with a plan for Iraq. And by "plan," I mean "timetable." Treat it like the civil war it has become, and bring in UN peacekeepers instead of US troops. Be specific about when, how, and who. Get all our allies involved (assuming we've got any left).

Balance the friggin' budget. Even if it hurts. Undoing those disastrous Bush tax cuts would be a start. New sources of revenue -- like taxes on corporations that do 99% of their business here despite having "headquarters" in Bermuda, or a windfall profit tax on oil companies -- would also help. Expose the earmarks and blatant pork in the budget, even when they benefit Democrats. Make it known that the days of easy pickins are over.

Punish the wicked. The Republican frat party in DC has to end. They need to have their snouts yanked out of the public trough and get what's coming to them. The Democrats must be able to reassure people that justice and fairness will prevail, and the rule of law applies equally to those in power. Otherwise, the only people who follow the rules will be the suckers.

Wake up and smell the diesel fumes. Our planet is dying. No sane person believes that global warming is either a) a myth, or b) harmless, despite what you'll hear on Fox News. We need a national environmental policy that raises emission standards and punishes companies that fail to meet the guidelines. And yes, we need a gas tax -- one that taxes oil companies as well -- with the revenues going toward NASA-like research into renewable energy sources. We sent men to the moon, but we can't make a better battery? I don't buy it.

Emphasize shared sacrifice. What is JFK's most famous line? I don't even have to repeat it, it's so well known. He began his administration with a call for shared sacrifice, and it worked. So here's one idea: All Americans between the ages of 18 and 26 owe their country at least one year of service, whether it's in the military, the Peace Corps, or teaching inner city kids how to read. In return they get room, board, and the equivalent amount of college tuition. No deferments allowed (and I'm talking to you, Dick Cheney). This concept can apply equally to environmental issues, budgets, etc. This country has a history of pulling together and making sacrifices when it has to. We're good at it.

Reduce the size of government. Government sucks. It sucks money, time, people, resources... and gives very little back. So let's cut it by 20 percent in four years. Corporations do this all the time when they get too bloated, and Wall Street rewards them. Make it a goal to reduce the federal government, even if it means reducing some services, and start with the military. I don't believe a bigger military is necessarily a better military. Who you'd rather have defending your home -- the US Army or Israel's?

Roll back the corporate takeover. Multinational corporations now have more power than governments, and they ensure that proxies are elected to do their bidding (that means you, George). We need to restore the rights of the individual to fight back against the corporate power grab.

Just say no to corporate money. You can't tell Chevron no and then take their money, so you can't take their money. In fact, I'd vow to accept no campaign donations more than $200 from any person, and preferably less. Getting corporate money and influence out of politics is essential.

Appeal to people's innate sense of patriotism. It's not Enron's country, it's not Halliburton's country, it's not Diebold's country, it's my country. I want it back. The first American revolution began 230 years ago based on the premise that it was the people who mattered. They still do.

Computer Sciences Corp Visits the WitList

2006-04-21T08:19:00.000-04:00

Oliver Stone, Please Come to a White Courtesy Telephone

2006-04-21T08:05:00.000-04:00

(Or, He ain't heavy, he's just Big Brother)

It's not every day you find yourself in the middle of a real live conspiracy theory, but that's where I was last week -- and for all I know I'm still there now. It's not a funny story, but it is surpassing strange.

It started when I read a post on Daily Kos from a blogger who believed the Department of Homeland Security was spying on him because his Sitemeter statistics included a visit from someone at DHS.gov.

Seemed a bit loony to me, frankly. If the DHS was going to spy on bloggers, surely they could do a better job of hiding themselves. There must be a limit to the incompetence in DC, right? (Right?)

Purely by chance, the next day I happened across a Newsweek article by Michael Isikoff about a new domestic spy agency known as CounterIntelligence Field Activity, or CIFA. Among other things, CIFA had been spying on a handful of protestors who stood outside Halliburton's Houston headquarters in June 2004 and passed out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The protestors were responding to allegations that Halliburton had overcharged on food contracts in Iraq. Given the lack of sandwich meats, obviously these people were vegans and not to be trusted.

But this excerpt in particular caught my eye:

CIFA researchers apparently cast a wide net and had a number of surveillance methods—both secretive and mundane—at their disposal. An internal CIFA PowerPoint slide presentation recently obtained by William Arkin, a former U.S. Army intelligence analyst who writes widely about military affairs... shows that ... the organization also gleaned data from "open source Internet monitoring." In other words, they surfed the Web.

Arkin says a close reading of internal CIFA documents suggests the agency may be expanding its Internet monitoring, and wants to be as surreptitious as possible. CIFA has contracted to buy "identity masking" software that would allow the agency to create phony Web identities and let them appear to be located in foreign countries, according to a copy of the contract with Computer Sciences Corp. (The firm declined to comment.)

(Interestingly, the Washington Times ran a similar story called "CIA Mines 'Rich'Content From Blogs" two days ago, only more in the "isn't this neat?" vein.)

So I began looking at my own Sitemeter stats. Lo and behold, there they were: Computer Sciences Corp. (csc.com), reading my blog at 9:37 am on April 13.

Wow.

But wait, it gets weirder. Looking further at my Sitemeter report, I saw that in the space of 24 hours The WitList had been visited by people from Mexico, Greece, Ireland, Australia, Romania, Hungary, Switzerland, Thailand, Germany, Japan, Canada, and The Netherlands. There were also a dozen or so visits from US government entities, such as the Bureau of Veterans Affairs, and some state agencies.

I don't have a wildly popular blog. I average maybe 60 hits a day, with occasional spikes of up to 500 (thank you, CrooksandLiars.com). I have a handful of international readers in the UK, Canada, and Germany, but none that I know of live in Romania, Thailand, or those other countries. And since that day, my international traffic appears to have slowed down to its usual trickle.

Admittedly, this could all be just Internet weirdness. Many of these hits apparently came from people looking for images of David Hasselhoff, which I'd linked to in some entries a while back. (Other foreign image searches that resulted in hits: Time reporter Matt Cooper, Charlton Heston as Moses, a Nazi rally, SpongeBob SquarePants, and Donald Rumsfeld giving the one-finger salute.)

Why in God's name would the feds want to spy on me? Do they believe I'm speaking in code to my Jihadist brothers? Is snarkiness now considered a weapon of mass destruction? I find this all somewhat hard to swallow. I am not quite ready to be fitted for a tin foil hat.

But in an age where people can get on a federal watchlist for handing out PB&J sandwiches, or not eating meat, or valuing animal rights, or just expressing a desire for sanity to return to our nation's capital, anything is possible.

And if some spook is reading this, I have a message for you. Please tell your boss it's time to retire back to his ranch -- and to take his demonic sidekick with him. If that makes me a threat to National Security, well, I take comfort in knowing there are 100 million other threats just like me.

Peace.

White House Press Secretary Resigns

2006-04-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

Latest victim in Bush Administration purge

Special to The WitList
19 April 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClellan resigned today, the latest casualty in a staff shakeup by new White House chief of staff Michael Bolton.

McClellan gave no reason for his resignation, though he was heard muttering that he'd rather eat Katie Holmes' placenta than answer another question from Helen Thomas.

A highlight of McClellan's career came in March of this year, when he held his 187th consecutive press conference without directly answering a single question, breaking the record held by former Nixon press secretary Ron Ziegler for more than 30 years.

During that streak McClellan managed to duck questions about the White House's response to Hurricane Katrina, its ties to convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, the indictment of senior advisor Lewis "Scooter" Libby on charges of perjury and obstruction, the proposed sale of US Ports to Dubai, the NSA's illegal wiretapping program, the leaks of classified reports by top administration officials, and whether McClellan himself had been secretly replaced by a sock puppet named Marvin.

When the president learned of Mr. McClellan's resignation, he is reported to have said, "That's too bad...I liked him better than the bald Jew," an apparent reference to McClellan's predecessor, Ari Fleischer. Bush had bestowed on McClellan the nickname "freeballer," after his habit of standing behind the briefing room podium wearing a coat and tie but no pants.

Reflecting the White House's newly aggressive stance toward the media, Bolton announced that McClellan would be replaced by Triumph the Insult Dog, effectively immediately.

When asked about his future plans, McClellan said, "As you know, I cannot comment on any ongoing investigations. Sorry, I just wanted to say that one last time."

Iran Joins Nuke Club

2006-04-13T10:35:00.000-04:00

Vows to pay dues in a timely fashion

Special to The WitList
13 April 2006

TEHRAN -- Earlier this week Iran announced it had successfully enriched uranium for the first time, joining the so-called Nuclear Club of Nations.

Mohammed al Baradei, chief of the International Atomic Energy Agency, welcomed Iran to the club and announced that it would soon be issued membership cards, jackets, and a booklet of discount coupons offering 10 percent off at AQ Khan's House of Plutonium. Iranian officials will also be allowed to display official "Kooks with Nukes" bumper stickers on their limos.

Iran claims it needs nuclear capability to build power plants, not bombs. However, the US State Department says Iran possesses 50,000 centrifuges capable of turning nuclear fuel into weapons grade plutonium, and could build a bomb in just 16 days -- 21 days if they took weekends off.

Hoping to achieve a diplomatic solution to the growing crisis, the White House has named former FEMA director Michael Brown as special envoy to Iran. Brown said he was deeply honored by the appointment, then immediately resumed his nap.

White House spokesperson Scotty McLapdog says the Bush administration has not ruled out a military response. But if the administration were to launch a series of massive airstrikes, he says they would do it closer to the midterm elections to give Republicans a better bump at the polls.

In a survey conducted by Bloomberg News and the Los Angeles Times, 48 percent of Americans said they'd support a military response to Iran's nukes, though 54 percent said they're prefer someone other than George Bush to oversee the operation. Nearly 30 percent of those surveyed said they didn't understand the difference between Iran and Iraq and wanted one of the countries to change its name, while 17 percent hoped the US would release Saddam Hussein and then try to catch him again, since it was so much fun the first time.

It was the mistaken belief that Hussein was a member of the Nuclear Club that prompted the Iraq invasion in the first place, says a senior White House official, speaking on conditions of anonymity. "We found fake membership cards and T-shirts," says the official. "He knew the secret handshake and everything."

Look Before You Leak [a rant]

2006-04-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

"A Good Leak." That's how last Sunday's Washington Post editorial page described the president's rather unusual decision to selectively reveal classified information to a handful of friendly journalists.

(To me 'a good leak' means something else entirely, but I'll restrain myself.)

Mr. Bush, it seems, is an honest guy with good intentions who's been victimized by the Democrats' "hyperbolic charges of misconduct and hypocrisy."

There's really no need to describe how astoundingly dumb that editorial was, or to note that, on the front page of that very newspaper, reporters detailed the White House's coordinated effort to smear Joe Wilson. Jane Hamsher at Firedoglake has already dissected every subclause, refuted every argument, shredded it into tiny pieces, beat it into a pulpy mash, sent it through a particle accelerator and stomped on any neutrinos that managed to escape.

The Post editorial page apparently believes Saddam has nuclear weapons hidden in his prison cell, Papillon style (if you know what I mean).

The big leak was really more like a few dribbles: a couple of paragraphs on page 24 of a 2002 National Intelligence Estimate that suggested Saddam had tried to procure weapons-grade uranium. The leak apparently didn't include the State Department's extreme dubiousness about those paragraphs (also part of the same NIE), or the fact that such claims had been written off as fiction long ago by radical peaceniks like George Tenet and Colin Powell.

This wasn't a leak so much as a pre-emptive attack -- an attempt to keep the lie afloat that the Leaker in Chief kept us safe from Saddam's nukes, before Joe Wilson went public with his New York Times Op Ed. Unfortunately for Bush Inc., that dog wouldn't hunt.

Bob Woodward was the first to be given a peak at the goods on June 27, 2003. But this information apparently had such a stink on it that Watergate Bob gave it a pass. Next they tried Judy Miller, but even WMD Judy wouldn't suck at that tit. So they turned to their most reliable lapdog still working for a major media outlet, Bob "No Facts" Novak.

After Novak's nepotism story created a total shitstorm, someone in the White House must have realized they'd better get the NIE out to the rest of the press before a real reporter discovered the leak. Hence the "official release" on July 18, 2003. This is what the Post called "the president ... releasing for public review some of the intelligence he used in making his most momentous decision."

If nothing else, you have to admire the Bushies' chutzpah. Who else would dare to use trumped up discredited evidence of nukes to counter the accusation that they had used trumped up discredited evidence of nukes? It was brilliantly twisted.

The world hasn't seen mendacity this broad and deep coming out of the White House since the early 1970s. Back then, the Washington Post helped to bring down a president. Now its graybeard editors sit on the sidelines, applauding.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of hell, Richard Nixon is smiling.

Supporters Hold Candlelight Prayer Vigil for Tom DeLay

2006-04-05T10:41:00.000-04:00

Vow to employ 'heroic measures' to resuscitate political powerbroker

Special to The WitList
5 April 2006

SUGARLAND, TX -- They arrived in groups of 3 or 4, singing hymns and carrying candles, determined to revive the political career of Tom DeLay. Though the former House Speaker's political future remains in a persistent vegetative state, dozens of supporters gathered outside Mr. DeLay's congressional office to pray that his career be brought back to life.

After his feeding tube of lobbyist swag was removed last year, the man affectionately known as "The Hammer" struggled valiantly to hang on to power, despite indictments for money laundering and guilty pleas by several of his former top aides. Last night, however, Mr. DeLay announced he would no longer seek reelection to a Congressional seat once thought to be his for all eternity.

However, supporters have vowed to have DeLay's K Street pipeline reinserted by force, if necessary.

After watching a videotape of DeLay's announcement, Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist questioned whether the Congressman's career was truly in a deathlike coma. "He certainly seemed to respond to visual stimuli," said Frist, a likely contender for his party's presidential nomination in 2008.

Late last night President Bush returned early from a 16-week vacation at his Texas ranch to sign an executive order declaring Mr. DeLay a West Indian Manatee, making him eligible for protection under the Endangered Species Act of 1973.

The President expressed confidence that Congressman DeLay will be found innocent of whatever wrongdoing he is charged with, "along with that Jack fella, you know, the Jew."

Supporters blamed activist judges and the liberal media for Mr. DeLay's alleged demise, and vowed to continue their vigil until he rises again.

"We won't stop singing until The Hammer is swinging," said one vigilgoer, wearing a 'Remember Tom DeLay' T-shirt.

All I Know About Politics I Learned From Tony Soprano [a rant]

2006-03-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

So it seems Jack Abramoff will soon be a guest of the federal government. His five-year, 10-month sentence was the minimum allowed under federal guidelines for wire fraud. The judge may have been swayed by some 260 letters written by Abramoff's friends attesting to his fine character. Among other good deeds, the uber-lobbyist would fetch water for guests in his tony DC restaurant, and once tried to locate a friend's lost hamster.

Jack Abramoff, the first Jewish saint.

Other rodents who've enjoyed Abramoff's largesse were less forthcoming. He received no letters on his behalf from Tom DeLay, Senators Robert Ney or Conrad Burns, or any of the White House staffers with whom Abramoff met nearly 200 times in a single year. They must not have any of those new 39 cent stamps yet.

Abramoff is looking at an additional 11-year stretch for other white collar crimes, including bribery and influence peddling. But what's not been widely reported so far is his uncomfortable proximity to a gangland-style murder.

The saga begins in 2000, when Abramoff and his business partner in crime, Adam Kidan, tried to buy SunCruz Casinos using Monopoly money. They did it by forging a bank transfer for $23 million (their end of the deal) and financing the rest. A neat trick if you can manage it: "Own a $150 million floating gambling empire -- for no money down!" Only they got caught; hence Abramoff's and Kidan's upcoming stretch in the pokey.

Five months after the deal closed, the guy who sold them SunCruz, Konstantinos ''Gus'' Boulis, got whacked in a Mafia-style hit. The alleged hit men -- Anthony "Big Tony'' Moscatiello, Anthony "Little Tony'' Ferrari, and James "Pudgy'' Fiorillo -- were all on the SunCruz payroll, thanks to Adam Kidan.

Kidan paid Big Tony -- a former bookkeeper for the Gambino family -- $145,000 for "consulting, site inspection, and catering," even though apparently no consultations or catering ever took place. (Perhaps he was planning to bake Boulis into a moussaka and serve him at the company picnic.) Kidan paid Little Tony and Pudgy $95,000 for "surveillance" and security services.

When Boulis died, Abramoff and Kidan owed him $60+ million -- a considerable sum even by Republican standards.

Pudgy says Kidan ordered the hit. Kidan denies it. So far neither he nor Abramoff have been charged in connection with the crime, whose trial has just gotten underway. But that doesn't mean they're in the clear. To quote the March 24, Washington Post:

"Prosecutor Brian Cavanagh said his office had not intended on calling Abramoff as a witness in part because he would be given immunity from prosecution for anything he says under those conditions. Cavanagh also said that Kidan has not been cleared as a suspect in the Boulis slaying."

In other words, stay tuned for next week's episode of The Sopranos Go South.

Gambling, bribery, fraud, and now murder. All these years the Republicans have been talking about "family values," and it turns out the family they had in mind was the Mafia. Who knew?

Satire or Real? You Make the Call

2006-03-29T22:43:00.000-05:00

Abramoff Friends Start Leniency Campaign

By JOHN SOLOMON

WASHINGTON (March 28) - Jack Abramoff is getting a makeover, compliments of friends who want him spared a harsh prison sentence.

The fallen superlobbyist may have fleeced clients of millions of dollars and endeared himself to politicians with free trips, meals and donations on his way to becoming the public face of Washington's latest corruption scandal.

But more than 260 friends, relatives and beneficiaries of Abramoff's largesse have written letters to a federal judge who is sentencing him Wednesday, asking that he be shown mercy and viewed in a different light.

He was, they said, a champion for the underprivileged who donated much of his riches - even the ill-gotten - to charity; a principled racquetball player who called fouls on himself; a dedicated father who once spent a night searching for a lost hamster.

"Tragically, Mr. Abramoff led two lives - a very flawed and reckless professional life but on the other hand his personal life was dedicated to helping others," friend Eli W. Schlossberg of Baltimore wrote.

Dozens of religious leaders weighed in with similar letters. Former pro basketball player Ledell Eackles chimed in. So too did a journalist, a couple of lawmakers, military officers and neighbors.

Even one of Abramoff's more infamous clients offered a different take of the controversial lobbyist.

Auditors in the U.S. territory of the Northern Mariana Islands once questioned Abramoff's lobbying expenses as excessive. But the islands' current governor wrote Abramoff was a "personal friend and political champion" of the "beleaguered" Pacific islands.

"He was a natural crusader and political activist, with great sympathy for our un-represented Commonwealth," Marianas Gov. Benigno R. Fitial wrote, using official government stationery.

The Marianas, known for their low-paying garment factories, hired Abramoff to keep the islands' workers exempt from U.S. laws like the minimum wage.

Others argued that Abramoff's glitzy capital restaurant, Signatures, wasn't just for wining and dining lawmakers or hosting political fundraisers. It also was a place where Abramoff gave free meals and advice to friends down on their luck.

"Jack was the kind of person who would offer his guest a glass of water if a server wasn't around to do so," friend Monty Warner wrote, noting Abramoff always picked up the check as he counseled friends on financial, marital or career problems.

The arena skybox where he treated lawmakers to a bird's-eye view of events was also opened to children, whom Abramoff frequently brought to games at his own expense to help teach sportsmanship.

"Jack is a good person, who in his quest to be successful, lost sight of the rules," National Hockey League referee Dave Jackson wrote, relating to the judge the time when Abramoff took 14 kids to his dressing room before a game.

Abramoff and a former colleague each face prison sentences of just more than seven years when they are sentenced Wednesday in Florida. Abramoff faces separate prison time in a corruption case in Washington. He is cooperating with prosecutors investigating possible corruption in Congress and the administration.

The letters, which ask the judge for lowest possible sentence, also were a reminder of how far Abramoff has fallen. Once a household name on Capitol Hill where he doled out political donations by the dozens and lent his restaurant to lawmakers for fundraisers, Abramoff got just a single letter of support from a member of Congress, his longtime friend Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, R-Calif.

"Over many years, I've known a far different Jack than the profit-seeking megalomaniac portrayed in the press," Rohrabacher wrote. "Jack was a selfless patriot for most of the time I knew him."

In an interview, Rohrabacher explained why he took a risk others in Congress wouldn't in writing the letter. "Jack was a good friend, and even your good friends at times do wrong things," the lawmaker said.

A former top Republican official in California's Assembly, Steve Baldwin, and two military officers were the others with government connections willing to attach their names to letters appearing in Abramoff's court case.

Air Force Capt. Andrew Cohen, a chaplain, wrote the court about Abramoff's generosity in taking in Cohen's family of seven for several weeks last year when the military family couldn't find housing.

Cohen wrote that Abramoff was a complete stranger and his act of generosity arose from "humanitarian considerations" and a "sense of national service and duty to assist a service member and his family."

The letters from average citizens - many from Abramoff's Orthodox Jewish community - were strewn with references to his generosity, like the time the lobbyist gave $10,000 to a rabbi "overwhelmed by medical bills."

Abramoff is "a man of exceptional generosity and kindness, often to those he doesn't even know," former ABC News reporter Tim O'Brien wrote.

No anecdote seemed too small to mention. Dr. Gene Colice told the judge about the time Abramoff tried to "find a lost hamster on a Friday night." And Attorney Laurence Latourette called his racquetball playing partner as someone who "always acts honorably, and will call himself on infractions."

Bush Names New Chief of Staff

2006-03-28T14:33:00.000-05:00

Singer Michael Bolton to join presidental team

Special to The Witlist
28 March 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- In the first staff shakeup since ascending to the Office of President more than five years ago, President Bush has named a new chief of staff.

At a press conference earlier today, the president announced that pop star Michael Bolton will head up day-to-day management of the executive branch, effectively immediately.

The president praised Bolton's "soulful yet not excessively sexy" singing, saying he'd make a fine addition to the team. The curly-haired pop singer, recently engaged to "Desperate Housewives" star Nicollette Sheridan, crooned "President Bush is a wonderful thiiiiiing" but declined further comment.

Bolton succeeds Andrew Card, who had served as chief of staff since January 2001. Mr. Card did not speak with reporters but did offer a hand gesture popularly known as 'the Scalia Salute.'

To the public, Card may be best known as the aide who walked calmly into a Florida classroom on the morning of September 11, 2001, and unsuccessfully tried to pry the book "My Pet Goat" out of the president's hands.

Card also served under the president's father, George Herbert Walker Bush. When the elder Bush became violently ill at a banquet honoring the Japanese Prime Minister, Card ran in the opposite direction, shouting "Somebody bring me a towel, I've got presidential hurl butter all over my suit!"

President Bush praised Card, saying he did not blame him for the series of disastrous policy decisions that has led to the president's rock-bottom popularity ratings. However, Mr. Bush did note that "under Mr. Bolten's steady leadership we're unlikely to re-invade Iraq or sit idly by while Hurricane Katrina destroys a great American city."

Mr. Card is one of the rare Bush appointees to leave the White House without being immediately arrested.

Update: An earlier version of this story confused Michael Bolton with another Bush appointee, Mr. John Bolton. The latter Mr. Bolton continues to serve as US Ambassador to the UN. However, he plans to take a brief leave of absence later this year to star as Ned Flanders in the upcoming live action film "The Simpsons." The Witlist regrets the error.

Bowtie Institute Welcomes Ben Domenech

2006-03-27T10:40:00.000-05:00

Former Washington Post blogger becomes Institute's youngest research fellow

PR NEWSWIRE
27 March 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Bowtie Institute, a leading center for conservative thought, is proud to announce the addition of Ben Domenech as its newest Research Fellow.

Mr. Domenech stepped into the national spotlight last week as the author of Red America, a newly launched conservative blog hosted by Washingtonpost.com. Mr. Domenech resigned his post at the Post three days later amidst allegations of rampant plagiarism. He is accused of having lifted entire paragraphs from sources such as Salon, the Associated Press, and the Washington Post itself over the past six years and passing them off as his own.

"We prefer to think of it as 'recycling' -- taking spent prose and putting it to new and more productive uses," says BTI director P. Cyrus Bloman. "The Bowtie Institute is founded on the belief that privilege should not entail sacrifice, and that it's far better to reap the fruits of other people's labor than your own. No one exemplifies that approach more than Ben."

At one time the youngest political appointee in the Bush White House, the 24-year-old Domenech boasts a rich conservative heritage. As White House liaison for the Department of the Interior, his father Doug Domenech helped coordinate political favors for the Indian tribal clients of lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

Domenech's White House connections were part of what attracted the Institute's attention.

"From the president on down, knowing the right people has always been more important than knowing the right things," says Bloman. "Any idiot knows it's better to be rich -- or have rich friends -- than be smart or even competent."

With experience as both a journalist and an editor of such conservative luminaries as Michelle Malkin and Hugh Hewitt, Domenech is expected to head up BTI's publications division. His position at the Institute should not impact his duties as co-founder of the blog RedState.org, where he routinely publishes lighthearted racist satire under the penname "Augustine."

"At the tender age of 24, Mr. Domenech has achieved a level of public humiliation most conservatives don't attain until much later in life, if at all," notes Bloman. "We believe he has a long, bright future ahead of him."

ABOUT THE BOWTIE INSTITUTE

The Bowtie Institute (BTI) provides in-depth analysis on issues of interest to conservatives, providing intellectual justification for policies that benefit the rich and powerful. Give us sufficient funds, and we’ll produce the facts you require.

The Bowtie Institute: Putting the Clothes on Naked Self Interest Since 2004

Chickenhawky

2006-03-22T11:42:00.000-05:00

(With sincere apologies to Lewis Carroll's ghost)
'Twas Cheney and the Slimy Rove
Didst Rice and Rumsfeld in the shade
Convince the mimsy Bush to go
And to Iraq invade

Beware the Chickenhawks, my dear
They'll start new wars ad infinitum --
As long as someone else will fight 'em --
To keep us all in fear

"Once Iraq has been set free
They will love us, wait and see
Osama's plans we soon will foil
And we'll pay for it with oil"

No matter that no bombs were found
No germs, no nukes, no Qaeda ties
Just Saddam hiding in the ground
Next to some Freedom Fries

Beware the Chickenhawks, my sons
Whose fierce unwavering battle cry
Invariably involves a lie
That's why they call them neo-cons

"With Saddam gone," the hawks did boast,
"Our mission is accomplished -- mostly.
"Democracy will spread," they said,
"Like margarine on toast."

The insurgents though, would not be quelled
By Sunnis spoiling for a fight
And Chickenhawks then found themselves
Up to their necks in Shiite

Don't ask them when the war will end
They'll say "Peace? It's round the bend
This year, or next, or 2010."
Beware the Chickenhawks, my friend

'Twas Cheney and the Slimy Rove
Didst Rice and Rumsfeld in the shade
Convince the mimsy Bush to go
And to Iraq invade

-- Dan Tynan (The WitList)

Media Fails to See Sunni Side of Iraq War

2006-03-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

Coverage full of Shiite, says scholar

PR NEWSWIRE
20 March 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- American media outlets have painted an unnecessarily dim portrait of the war in Iraq, says P. Cyrus Bloman, senior research fellow at The Bowtie Institute.

By focusing on casualties and the failure to make any real progress during the past three years, the media has failed to recognize the many positive things the war has wrought, says Bloman, a specialist at the DC-based conservative think tank.

Bloman points to the following examples:

Thanks to food shortages, Iraqis have lost a collective 1.8 billion pounds (800 million kilograms) since the beginning of the war, far exceeding the total of that Jared guy from the Subway commercials.
With most of the country still without power, Iraq has been able to reduce its dependence on foreign oil to practically nothing.
During their recent parliamentary elections, Iraqis endured less voter fraud than anyone living in Ohio or Florida.
After protracted negotiations, the United States' Navy succeeded in obtaining a full refund for the "Mission Accomplished" poster that was draped across the USS Abraham Lincoln in May 2003. As a goodwill gesture, the White House agreed to pay for dry cleaning the president's flight suit, which became soiled as his plane touched down upon the carrier deck.

"The mark of any truly great war is its longevity, and we need to start thinking about Iraq as a Great War," says Bloman. "We've already blown past The War of 1812, the Mexican and Spanish Wars, World War I, the Korean Conflict, and the first Gulf War, and I am confident we'll overtake WWII and the American Civil War before the year is out. That would leave just the Revolutionary War and Vietnam in front of us."

Even Iraqi's turn toward a sectarian civil war plays to our strengths, Bloman explained.

"Americans know what it takes to win a civil war," he says. "We also know what it takes to lose one. That gives us twice as much experience with it as any other country."

* * ** * *

ABOUT THE BOWTIE INSTITUTE:

The Bowtie Institute (BTI) believes deeply in a return to America’s fundamental values. Ours is a country founded by white male Christian landowners, and that’s how they intended it to stay. We started it, we own it, we can do what we want with it.

The Bowtie Institute: Putting the Clothes on Naked Self Interest Since 2004

Draft of Bush Speech on 3rd Anniversary of Iraq War

2006-03-16T13:23:00.000-05:00

For reasons that defy easy explanation, I received an early draft of a speech scheduled to be given tonight by President Bush. I cannot vouch for its authenticity, so I publish it here without editorial comment. -- The WitList

My Fellow Americans.

This week we will mark the third anniversary of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Since that day more than 2500 American soldiers and 30,000 Iraqis have given their lives to remove a toothless dictator who posed no threat to us. I think that's something we can all be proud of.

Today also marks the first meeting of the newly elected Iraqi Parliament. Though small arms fire was exchanged between the Sunni and Shiite representatives, no rocket launchers were used. I view that as a sign of progress.

Since the despicable attacks of September 11, 2001, I have devoted my presidency to stopping terror at our nation's shores. And since that day we have seen not a single attack inside the US. True, Al Qaeda has continued to kill civilians in Madrid, London, Indonesia, and elsewhere, but none of those people voted for me.

In addition, radioactive mutant lizards have not rampaged through our nation's cities. I take full credit for that as well.

Yet my opponents would have you believe that I am the enemy. They would have Americans believe that -- just because I broke a few laws about spying and torture and detentions, defied Congress and defiled the Constitution -- that your commander in chief is the enemy.

Well I am not the enemy. Senator Russell Feingold is the enemy. Michael Moore and George Clooney, they're the enemy. (And all you blog people out there, you Huffington Posties, don't think for a minute that we don't have all your names and addresses.)

Many Americans think things are not going well in Iraq. They are tired of the war. They believe our presence there only makes things worse, that we have created a breeding ground for terrorists who will haunt us for generations to come.

Well I am here to say that I hear your concerns. I value your input. And I'm prepared to do something about it. Since you don't like the old war, we're going to give you a new one, with a new enemy.

Iran. It's like Iraq, only with an 'n' on the end. Condi taught me that. Like in Iraq, they wear bathrobes in public and have unpronounceable names. They don't like Jesus. And they've got oil coming out of their ears.

(Though I have spoken of ending our addiction to foreign oil, a few barrels of crude sounds really good right now. I mean, really really good.)

But this time there's one big difference: they actually do have weapons of mass destruction. Nuculear weapons. Dick told me. He looked very serious when he said it. So war is our only option.

The war on terror has demanded huge sacrifices of many Americans (though none I happen to know personally). Operation Iraqi Freedom has cost $250 billion -- money that could have gone into tax cuts for the extremely wealthy -- and there's no end in sight. But tonight I am going to ask my fellow Americans to sacrifice a little more.

The truth is, we've run out of soldiers. Our professional armed forces are exhausted, and our few remaining National Guard troops have gone into hiding (I know a little something about that). So I'm asking for volunteers.

We'll take anyone between the ages of 16 and 60, stone cold killers or just plain crazy. We're not picky.

If you love your country and hate terrorists, if you believe in the power of democracy, if you're willing to swallow anything that drops from my lips and, especially, if you voted for Kerry in the last election, please sign up. Your country needs you.

Otherwise, you might wake up one day to find a mushroom cloud on your front lawn instead of mushrooms.

Thank you, and may God bless America.

Democrats Report Break in at Party Headquarters

2006-03-15T10:45:00.000-05:00

Thieves steal goods worth nearly $100

Special to The WitList
15 March 2006 -- 15:39 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- Officials at Democratic National Committee headquarters at 430 South Capitol Street reported a break in last night. According to DC Metro Police, the thieves made off with the contents of a locked vault believed to have contained the DNC's family jewels.

However, sources familiar with the investigation say the jewels may have disappeared long before the break in was reported.

The jewels were last seen in public on September 10, 2001, shortly before the terrorist attacks in New York and Washington. Around that time, Beltway Democrats decided to put their collective testicles in a trust and only bring them out again after Osama Bin Laden had been captured. Newly elected Democrats were also asked to join the so-called Cojones Consortium (or CoCo), leading to the short-lived but memorable marketing campaign, "I'm coo-coo for CoCo (nuts)."

A handful of Democrats -- including Congressmen John Conyers and Nancy Pelosi, and Senators Russell Feingold and Robert Byrd -- refused to join the consortium. Since then they have been cut off from party funds and must use the janitor's restroom in the Capitol basement.

According to a source inside the DNC, the Democrats decided that subsuming their collective manhood was the only way to maintain a seat at the table during the war on terror. However, the source admits, even today the Demos are only allowed to eat from dog dishes, with their hands bound behind their backs.

The Democrats' unwillingness to muster an attack against one of the nation's most unpopular and spectacularly inept presidents is a sure sign that their balls have gone missing, he says.

"We fear they may be gone for good."

Crime Wave Engulfs Bush White House

2006-03-12T23:36:00.000-05:00

Claude 'the Fraud' Allen just tip of iceberg

Special to The Witlist
13 March 2006 -- 04:28 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- Former senior White House advisor Claude Allen was arrested last week and charged with 25 counts of retail fraud. According to the Montgomery County Police Department, Allen purchased $5,000 worth of goods from Target and Hechts stores and stowed them in his car. He then returned to the stores with his receipts, took identical items off store shelves, and demanded refunds for them.

Allen resigned his $161,000-a-year job in the Bush White House last month, saying he wanted to spend more time shoplifting with his family. Among his other duties Allen led the White House's response to Hurricane Katrina, but his primary responsibility was letting the president be seen in public with a black person who wasn't Condoleeza Rice.

A White House official says West Wing staffers are still in shock. "Only $5,000?" said the aide, who insisted on anonymity. "Really? You sure you're not missing a couple of zeroes in there?"

In a related story, Interior Secretary Gale Norton resigned last week after security cameras recorded the staunch anti-environmentalist attempting to steal six microwave burritos from a Georgetown 7-11. Norton, who enjoys close financial ties to disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, claims she merely slipped the steaming hot burritos inside her shirt in an effort to stay warm.

"Washington can be a very cold place," Norton said while being led away by DC Metro police.

A forensic examination has revealed that the .28 gauge birdshot used in the shooting of Harry Whittington on a Texas ranch last month was stolen from a nearby Wal-Mart. The hunting party had stopped by the store to pick up a couple of six packs and more ammo, according to vice presidential munitions spokeswoman Katherine Armstrong. When the clerk asked for payment, the vice president instructed him to perform an anatomically impossible act. Whittington took responsibility for the theft, saying he accidentally stepped between the vice president and the cashier at a crucial moment.

Florida congresswoman Katherine Harris is expected to end her bid for Democrat Bill Nelson's Senate seat this week after revealing that she took part in a series of armed robberies across three southeastern states. Harris is also expected to confess that she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. While the crimes constitute multiple felonies, legal experts say they pale in comparison to Harris's theft of the 2000 presidential election while serving as Florida's Secretary of State.

At a press conference in the Indian city of Bangalore, President Bush admitted to taking more than $1.6 trillion from the US Treasury, but said it was just a temporary loan and that he'd planned to pay it back before anybody noticed. He issued himself an immediate pardon and said he now considered the matter closed.