Journalist For Hire (inquire within)

Now that we've uncovered a third "journalist" who hopped aboard the Whores for Bush gravy train, it's become very clear to me that I'm going about things all wrong.

There I was, a hard-working, award-winning, well-respected (I hope) journo with a reputation for fairness, thinking I was a success.

Armstrong Williams, Maggie Gallagher, and Mike McManus clearly knew something I didn't: Objectivity is for suckers. The real money is in the Pay-for-Play writing gigs.

So I'm turning over a new leaf. From now on, I am for sale. I call it Custom Journalism, and I've cooked up a little rate sheet that I'd like to share with the world.

Custom Journalism Rates:

1. Casual reference to a product/person in a story where they're otherwise irrelevant: $1,000
2. Gushingly positive review of a product or service: $5,000+
3. Fawning, sycophantic profile of a corporate executive or political figure: $25,000+
4. TV or radio appearance in which I misrepresent an opposing viewpoint and dismiss it out of hand: $50,000+
5. Feature article with a generally positive tone toward Microsoft, the Bush Administration, or the state of Texas: $10,000,000

I'd also like to add that I'm happy to do any of this in the negative -- say, slam a competitor's product or slander a public figure -- for an additional 25% surcharge.

Anyone who's interested in arranging for my services may reach me through this blog.