Monday, October 24, 2011

My official apology to the Tea Party

After careful consideration, and too much time spent arguing with the dregs of the Drudge Report, I have decided I owe the Tea Party and its thousands of mouth-breathing members an apology after all. In fact, I owe them several apologies. But probably not the ones they're looking for. Here goes.

Dear Tea Party:

I'm sorry you seem to lack a sense of humor. Because you are a source of great amusement to the rest of us.

I'm sorry you feel the US Constitution is under attack, even though most of you have never read it, those of you who have read it don't seem to understand it, and the rest of you have trouble spelling the word "Constitution."

I'm sorry all you Real Americans have to put up with all us Fake Americans, even though our ancestors all came here from the same places at more or less the same times and we all do more or less the same things every day. That must be really irritating to you.


I'm sorry you may have to vote for a black guy after all. Lucky for you he's even a more of a reactionary bigot than many of you. Just pretend he's another white guy wearing blackface, it will go down easier.

I'm sorry Sarah's not running. That would be really fun to watch. And then just really sad.

I'm sorry the Mexicans want to flood our borders and steal all those high-paying jobs busing tables, picking lettuce, cleaning houses and mowing lawns. I'm sorry you don't get the chance to do all of those fun things.

I'm sorry you missed the parts in American History class about how the founding fathers did not actually end slavery or that Paul Revere warned the colonists, not the British. Also that bit in the Constitution about no state imposed religions. Facts just suck sometimes, don't they?

I'm sorry Wal-Mart is forced to pay minimum wage. People should be paying them just for the privilege of working there. I'm sure if your guy wins he'll find a way to kill the minimum wage. I understand slavery is making a big comeback.

I'm sorry there's no spellchecker for protest placards.

I'm sorry that 47% of Americans are too poor to pay Federal Income Tax. If they were really smart and ambitious they'd be too rich to pay Federal Income Tax.

I'm sorry the rich have to pay any taxes at all. I'm sure if your guy gets elected next time they'll take care of that.

I'm sorry for Welfare, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and every other government program that keeps the poor, the sick, and the elderly off the street. Because that's what America needs more than anything -- streets full of poor sick old people.

I'm sorry God loves only you. On the other hand, think how overcrowded Heaven would be if all of us got to go.

I'm sorry that if Jesus were on earth today He'd take one look at you and run screaming in the opposite direction. Hey, you did ask What would Jesus do?, didn't you? I can't lie about Jesus.

I'm sorry Obama's long-form birth certificate isn't long enough or formal

enough for you. Maybe they make an extra long extra formal one.

I'm really really sorry about Donald Trump's hair. It must be embarrassing for you to be on the same side with someone whose head looks like an orangutan's ass.

I'm sorry the streets are filled with angry protestors who hate America, employing the same tactics (and Constitutional rights) as angry protestors who love America, because aside from the lack of grammatical errors on their signs it's kind of hard to tell the difference.

I'm sorry we elected a Socialist Muslim Nigerian as president. I'm even sorrier some of you truly believe that.

I'm sorry Joe McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover aren't still around. They'd be proud of you. The rest of us? Not so much.

Dear Tea Party: Please die.

It appears I have angered and upset the Tea Party. Heaven forfend.

It turns out you don’t have to do very much to piss off the teabaggers. All you need to do is make a stupid joke at their expense to have your inbox, blog comments fields, and Tweetstream filled with mindless hate and misspelled vitriol.

A few days ago I posted a blog entry on ITworld (later picked up by PCworld) about Facebook and its phonebook. Here’s what I wrote:
You know how it goes on Facebook – somebody you don’t know asks to be your friend, you look over their friends list, decide they probably aren’t an axe murderer or a Tea Party member, and you say Yes, because Facebook is a fairly low risk, low maintenance connection. And if they prove to be truly annoying you can always block or defriend them later.
Not exactly Jon Stewart, I admit. But hey, if anybody deserves to be treated like buffoons …. And it’s my Facebook profile; I do reject people who look like crazy-ass conservatives, just as I am sure the crazies run screaming from me.

That apparently was enough to incite a very tsk-tsk story from Newsbusters’ Ken Shepherd, as well as a copycat piece from The Examiner’s Joe Newby (yes, seriously). And of course, the usual howling from the teabag chorus. It must have been a slow news day in Wingnutville.

So I apologized via Twitter thusly:
“ok, I apologize. to the axe murderers. you tea party guys need to develop a sense of humor. but I doubt it will happen."
Some of the Tea Party faithful were inspired enough to try and leave a comment on my business blog and contacted me via my Twitter page. Here’s a representative sampling:

First up: John S. Murphy:
Nice, insulting those of us that read your publications but don't agree with your politics. There are other options so I guess I won't have to read your screed in the future.

By the way, aren't you just a bit old to have an avatar?
A fairly typical response: I don’t agree with your politics, so now I will never read you again. Nice open mind you got there, Johnny. Also: If you’re looking at my avatar, how the frak do you know how old I am?

It gets uglier. Now we have one Jeffrey D. Davis. He writes:
Go fuck yourself you buttfucked faggot. A useful idiot who infests the democRAT trailer park such as yourself wouldn't make a wart on a Tea Partier's ass.
Dear Jeff: Given your raging homophobia, I’ll bet you’ve seen way more warty Tea Party ass than I have. Just a guess.
Hey, I feel the same way about people like you.... you are slightly obnoxious and self-important... which is apparently what you think about Tea Party people... amazes me how narcissistic liberals like you can be, to the point of appearing really stupid and ignorant.
So, just to be clear: You feel the same way I do about people like me, which means you must also be really obnoxious, self-important, narcissistic, stupid and ignorant. Did I miss anything?

One brave Teabagger used no name and a fake gmail address to offer this:
Wonder if Tynan the Obamabot would have lumped Obama in with the axe murderers? Your hypocrisy reeks, just like your articles...
Yes, but my breath is still minty fresh, thanks to these ObamaMints I’ve planted under my ObamaTongue.

Jerry Goodwin had this to say
For years,k I received emails from PC World, daily and weekly. As a member of the TEA PARTY I hereby unsubscribe from these articles.
You have no respect for the TEA PARTY members, I have no respect for you nor PC World. GOODBYE!
We’ll miss you Jerry. Don’t forget to take your teeth with you when you go.

On Twitter, JerseyRight tweets:
@tynan_on_tech excellent on tech privacy, idiotic on politics bad choice of forum. Not renewing 2 gift renewals now as a result.
So I guess I shouldn’t be expecting anything from you at Christmas, eh? I was kinda hoping for an autographed picture of Snooki.

SaucyChica, who quite accurately describes herself as a “foul-mouthed conservative bitch,” tweets:
Stick to writing about gadgets you leftist limp dick. Why are all you homosexuals so catty?
Because all people who hate the Tea Party must be gay (us and that Jeffrey D. Davis guy). Damn, you discovered our secret. So much for those plans of world domination, followed by world redecorating.

Some creature calling itself BarneyFrankenbama (Twitter description: “America, F#@K Yeah!”) had this lovely contribution:
Dan Tynan loves watching k***** p*** on his computer. See how this works? Not fun anymore is it? #developasenseofhumor 
Here’s a FAQ on US libel statutes. See how these work?

RevDrEBuzz (whose Twitter page exclaims: “I wear great slacks and dacron shirts, chicks are always interested in me, and what I have to offer them, even beyond conversation”) required three separate tweets to fully vent his spleen …
"you tea partiers" You liberals need to learn that it's not nice to be such a whiny douchebag, of Olbermannian proportions.

sense of humor...yes, like liberals such as yourself have about Obama...RACIST! you scream...spare me, douche.
it is putzes like you, effete douches, who have demolished California. Hows it feel to be such a braindead liberal?
Yes, it’s true, I single handedly demolished California (not the recently retired Republican governator), even though I live and work 3000 miles away. I am that powerful. But thanks for the tip about those Dacron shirts – I bet they really drive the chicks wild.

What are all these people so pissed off about, exactly? Oh right – losing in 2008. And maybe, just maybe, having a black/liberal* man as president.

Small government, fiscal responsibility, and respect for the Constitution? I have no problem with any of that. And if these folks were out there four, six, eight years ago howling about the growth of government, massive deficits, and the complete subversion of the Constitution in favor of the executive branch, I might have some respect for them.

But they weren’t. Because that’s not what this is about. This is about using irrationality and rage as a political weapon. Because I had the temerity to make a small joke, they directed the firehose at me. That’s ok, I can take it.

And please, TPers, don’t read anything I write ever again. That’ll show me.

* Liberalness not guaranteed.

PS: To the anonymous Teabaggers who've been contacting my editors and trying to get me fired, stop acting like cowards and address me directly.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Farrah Fawcett - 1947 - 2009

farrah poster

There will never be another like her.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Report: 1 in 7 Republican Terrorists Return to Battlefield

Recidivist GOP-hadists may pose grave threat to Constitution

cheney-white-sheikh399-thumb

By Dan Tynan
Special to
The WitList
According to a newly declassified Pentagon report, 14 percent of former Bush Administration officials have returned to actively terrorizing Americans.

Of the 534 members of the Bush inner circle with policy making responsibilities, 74 have returned to the fight after being released from custody at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, according to two administration officials who spoke on condition of anonymity.

The most prominent of these is former vice president Dick Cheney, who has been waging a terror campaign on the nation from an undisclosed location outside of Washington DC.

Aided by news networks and think tanks closely aligned with the GOP Jihad, the Republican Guard leader has been actively defending Bush Cheney administration policies promoting torture enhanced interrogation techniques and detention of suspects for eating felafels without probable cause.

The report may serve to strengthen the belief that as the Bush Administration drew to a close, the former vice president should have been set adrift on a ice floe in the Arctic Ocean, along with a loaded shotgun and his personal vault. That plan was rejected by EPA officials concerned that Cheney's presence would prove harmful to endangered species of polar bears.

Officials said recidivism among lifelong terrorists is not uncommon, but they're rarely seen an example quite like the former vice president, who also goes by the name al- Aying Mullah Fuqa.

“Most people with any sense know when it's time to go,” said one official. “But some people can only see and hear themselves. It's an ego thing. They really do believe the world revolves around them.”

Image of Shiek al-Dick courtesy of Village Voice blogs.

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Interview with the Missing Link

alg_fossil_1

By Dan Tynan

Earlier this week, researchers rocked the world with news of the elusive “missing link.” A 47-million-year-old fossil named Darwinius masillae -- informally known as “Ida” -- has been declared the long-sought cross between the lemur and ape branches of the evolutionary tree, solidifying Darwin's theories. But Ida's discovery is not without controversy, and may ultimately raise more questions than it answers.

I managed to secure an exclusive interview with Ida via her publicist, shortly after her story was revealed. Here's what she had to say.

How does it feel to be declared the missing link?

It's really a mixed blessing. I'm mean, obviously I'm flattered. It isn't every day people hail you as proof of probably the most controversial theory to ever hit science. But after spending 47 million years at the bottom of a bog the attention is a little overwhelming. Thank God I agreed to that media training or I'd be in totally over my head.

I must say for a 47-million-year-old you look exceedingly well preserved.

Thank you. Moisturizing is really key. Also eating right. While it's a little embarrassing to have the contents of your stomach analyzed, there's something to be said for a diet of leaves, fruits, and seeds.

What's been the reaction so far?

I knew my coming out would be big news, but I never really expected this. I mean, a book? A TV special? I've already got my own Wikipedia page and two groups on Facebook. My agent is talking to Oprah's people right now, so that's also a possibility.

Personally, I really never thought my short limbs and fingernails were all that special – they're simply a part of who I am. It was Jorn – my paleontologist, Jorn Hurum – who convinced me I had it takes to fill the gap in the evolutionary chain between apes and lemurs. “Star power,” is what he called it. Really that kind of talk just embarrasses me. At heart I'm just a simple four-limbed primate with opposable thumbs.

Surely not everyone is happy with your sudden appearance.

No kidding. The hate mail has already started pouring in. It's disconcerting to find out how many people really do believe the earth is only 6000 years old. I thought humanity would have evolved just a little bit more than that, you know? It seems natural selection was more selective than Darwin thought.

Listen, I expect a lot of conservative bloggers and anti-evolutionists to go digging into my private life. I fell into a mud pit when I was 9 months old. What kind of dirt do they think they're going to find? What really burns me is the reaction from some scientists. They're calling me a fraud and Jorn a charlatan. Personally, I just think they're jealous because he found me and they didn't. Can you say Nobel Prize? I think you can.

So what's next for the world's most famous fossil?

'I'm going to DisneyWorld.' Ka-ching! But seriously. I'd like to travel the world talking to children about the importance of a science education and also a little bit about personal hygiene. You really do need to take care of yourself. You may end up being around a lot longer than you'd planned.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A Tale of Two Farmers

One day a man buys a farm. He doesn't know much about farming, the woods around him are wild and he doesn't trust his neighbors, so he decides to get a dog. He finds the meanest scariest dog in the world, something that's half pit bull, half Doberman, with maybe a little dingo thrown in. This animal has sharp teeth and a fearsome bark. This is one mean dog. The man thinks he is safe.

One day not long after, a fox breaks into the henhouse while the dog is sleeping and slaughters all the chickens. After the fox has gotten safely away, the dog wakes up, starts barking and won't stop. He chases after the fox but stops before he gets very far. He begins to bite other dogs just because of what they look like. He runs down the street to harass a tired old hound, chews through the fence, digs up the lawn, and eventually kills the ancient mutt.

The farmer assures his neighbors that his dog is the only thing keeping them all safe. But every day that dog craps on a new neighbor's lawn, and every night his howling robs them of sleep.

After eight long years the farm finally fails. The bank forecloses, and the man is evicted. On his way out he has the dog put down. The neighbors openly rejoice.

A new farmer arrives. He begins to fix up the place -- patch the holes in the roof, prop up the barn that had started to collapse, restock the larder which the old farmer had picked clean. After the farm starts to get back in working order the new farmer goes hat in hand to his neighbors' houses, one by one. To each neighbor he says the same thing.

“I'm sorry about that old dog,” he says. “I'm sorry he dug up your lawns and crapped all over them. I'm sorry his howling kept you up at night and that he caused so much damage. I know it was wrong, and I'll try to do better with my new dog.”

The old farmer still had some friends left -- not many, just a handful. After the new farmer left they turned to each other. “Boy,” they said, “that new guy sure must hate dogs.”

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Shocking New Evidence reveals Michelle Bachmann is Batboy

Minnesotan Republican actually mythical half bat/half human creature

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

bachmann & batboy

The WitList has received conclusive evidence that Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (above left), who recently appeared on Fox News and called upon her right-wing followers to start an "orderly revolution" against the Marxist Obama regime, is in fact the elusive creature known as Batboy (right).

Bachmann narrowly won reelection to Minnesota's Sixth District last fall after accusing her Democratic opponents of being anti-American. She was first elected to the House in 2006. Opponents have often accused the controversial Bachmann of being a bit batty, never realizing just how true that was.

Batboy first appeared on the cover of The Weekly World News in June 1992. His whereabouts have been a matter of conjecture for several years, though he did announce an aborted run for the governorship of California in 2003. It is not known whether Batboy underwent gender reassignment surgery before assuming the name Michelle and running for Congress.

Representatives for  Bachmann/Batmann declined to comment for this article.

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

My Resignation Letter to AIG

Dear Mr. Liddy:

It is with deep regret that I submit my resignation from AIG and its fine financial services division. Like Jake DeSantis, the author of the resignation letter recently published in the New York Times, I wish to offer some context as to the nature of my decision.

I am proud of everything I've done to help bring capitalism to the brink of collapse. But I want you to know I do not accept responsibility for the loss of trillions of dollars invested 401K plans and retirement accounts. Which isn't to say I was not to blame, but merely to say I accept no responsibility.

Nonetheless I feel betrayed by AIG, slandered by the media, and unfairly persecuted by government officials. I can no longer perform my duties in a dysfunctional environment where the odds of skimming a massive return off the savings of millions of hard-working Americans have dwindled to practically zero.

We've never met so I thought you should know a little bit about me. Mine is a truly an American success story. I was raised by carnies who worked the midway in a broken-down circus run by Russian mobsters. We lived on borscht and stale popcorn. On Christmas morning our big treat was being allowed to lick the inside of an empty bag of barbecued pork rinds.

Yet I persevered. Thanks to a summer job selling Everglades real estate and a scholarship from the Charles S. Ponzi foundation, I put myself through MIT, earning a degree in Applied Mathematics as it Relates to Improbable Investment Opportunities.

In 1998 I got a job on Wall Street. I spent years devising investment instruments based on algorithms so complicated even I don't understand how they work. All I remember is you take the national debt of Bolivia, fold in the accounts receivables from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles franchises, divide by Pi, and collect 12.5 percent off the top in service fees.

I worked 10, 12, 14 hours a day, seven days a week, making AIG the economic powerhouse it is today. The sacrifices were enormous. Sometimes I went months without seeing my mistress.

Just as you did, Mr. Liddy, I agreed to take on the job of dismantling my division, working for a pitiable salary of just $1 a year and the promise of a multi-million-dollar payout at the end of my contract. After salting away $5 to $10 million a year for the past decade, you must admit that's quite a hefty pay cut.

I know that because of my hard work I have benefited more than most during the economic boom and that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current bust. It's true that my suits cost more than the average monthly income of 87 percent of Americans and what I spend on lattes alone could feed a third-world nation. What can I say? It's great to be me.

As I feel I have done nothing wrong – certainly nothing that anyone else making money by the assload on Wall Street would consider to be wrong – I am not motivated to surrender my earnings. None of us should be cheated out of our payments any more than a plumber should be cheated after he has repaired the toilet only to find out that the other plumbers have stolen all the copper pipes and the electrician has gotten whacked after the general contractor found him screwing his wife. Wait, sorry, that was a Soprano's episode. I get these things confused sometimes.

However, my intent is to keep none of the money myself. Instead, I have decided to donate 100 percent of the effective after-tax proceeds to those who are suffering the most from the global economic downturn. I am speaking of course of the hard working girls at Madame Wong's House of Happy Endings, in whose company I have spent many happy hours in a state of extreme lubrication.

Hey, I didn't give jumbo mortgages to crack ho's and meth heads. I just built multi-billion dollar investment vehicles out of them. Don't blame me because your pension fund invested in it.

I wish you luck Mr. Liddy in your continuing efforts to return the money so generously extended by American taxpayers and in whittling our once proud company down to a nub. But after what's happened over the past two weeks I can no longer be a part of this effort.

I've already obtained a fake passport, had face-altering plastic surgery, and at this moment am jetting off to an undisclosed island with several million dollars in gold bullion and my man-servant Rudolfo. Catch me if you can, motherfuckers.

Sincerely,

Dan Tynan

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Limbaugh More Popular Than Staph, Poll Says

Right wing talk show host leads Pelosi, trails serial killers

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList

In a national poll, CBS News reports that the fresh new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, received a favorable rating of 19%. That's slightly below the 22% registered by departing President George W. Bush last January, but better than former vice president Dick Cheney (13%) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (18%).

A closer look at the numbers, however, reveals a slightly different story. For example, Limbaugh is more popular than the majority of bacterial infections. The rotund radio host scored higher than staph (13%) and streptococcus (17%), but lower than painful rectal itch (22%).

Limbaugh fared much better among residents of trailer parks (44%), the morbidly obese (57%), members of the Oxycontin rehab community (42%), individuals whose parents were first cousins when they married (47%), and regular viewers of Fox News (98%).

“We lack Rush cuz he's be one of us,” survey respondent Wanda Dohicky of Marfarr, Kansas, said of Limbaugh, who earns a reported $33 million a year and has been known to light his trademark cigars with stolen welfare checks.

The porcine populist still lags behind Charles Manson, the Son of Sam, and John Wayne Gacy (all tied at 24%), but remains ahead of comedian Gilbert Gottfried (7%).

Republican party officials contacted for this story were last seen attempting to commit seppuku rather than comment.

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A New Modest Proposal

For Preventing the Very Rich from Being a Burden to Their Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

The Dow is still dour and the stimulus is anything but stimulating. Government bailouts are now on a scale that would appall the staunchest fans of FDR and LBJ -- and still we're told it's not enough. Soup kitchens and bread lines are looking less like yesterday's newsreels and more like tomorrow's news. Even China doesn't think our money is worth the paper it's printed on.

Meanwhile, conservatives decry the growth of socialism while stuffing as much federal booty into their pockets as they can. I say, for once, the conservatives are right. Bailouts and stimulus packages are the wrong approach. We can neither buy nor spend our way out of this economic apocalypse.

There is a solution, however – an obvious one, when you start to think about it.

Forget socialism. Think cannibalism.

It is time, finally, to eat the rich.

Imagine it. In one move we could quell the bubbling rage Americans feel at Wall Street's insatiable greed while feeding thousands of deserving souls. Eating the rich would make Jon Stewart's treatment of Jim Cramer look like a happy ending at Madame Wong's House of Oriental Massage. It would feel good and taste good at the same time.

Remember the French Revolution? It too was preceded by financial crisis. Two draining wars had left the country bankrupt, and the nobility had rigged the rules to avoid paying taxes. After centuries of abuse, the peasants took matters – and many of their blue-blooded patrons – into their own hands.

Substitute Bernie Madoff for Louis the 16th, AIG's Edward Liddy for Marie Antoinette, a set of Ginsu steak knives for the guillotine, and voila! An all-you-can-eat buffet of the finest Americans America has to offer.

True, the French did not cook and eat their former overlords. But then, consider their bathing habits. Bad now, worse then. I'm talking freshly showered, highly pampered American flesh unsullied by the rigors of hard labor, with a sprinkling of coriander and a hint of fresh basil.

It's the perfect recipe for our troubled times.

Consider these numbers. An average 180-pound adult male provides roughly 70 to 80 pounds of meat, or about 300 McDonalds Quarter Pounders. Given the corpulence of the rich, one would expect even greater returns – for Rush Limbaugh, say, triple that amount.

Sweetbreads like the brain, pancreas, and kidneys would stretch the rich's food value even further. (However, I'd recommend avoiding the liver. No matter how much you love paté, the volume of toxins you're likely to encounter in the livers of the obscenely rich are almost certainly fatal.)

Once we've disposed of their carcasses, what remains are their assets. The Forbes 400 – or, as I like to think of them, the Quarter Pounder 120,000 -- controls over $1.5 trillion in assets alone. That would pay for 47.2 million new teachers, based on the average starting salary of $31,753. It would buy health care for 190 million Americans, based on average annual costs of $7900 per person. It would buy a hell of a lot of fries and still have money left over for millions of McSlurries.

We could feed the hungry, employ millions, shore up our nation's crippled educational system, care for those who can't afford to care for themselves, and all it would cost us is 400 lousy billionaires and a handful of Weber grills. A bargain at twice the price.

Expand this progam to the top 1 percent of Americans – who control over a third of our nation's wealth – and the benefits increase exponentially. Those 3 million Americans could feed the other 297 million for months; spreading their assets evenly over the general population would effectively give everyone a massive bump in salary, expanding discretionary spending by an order of magnitude. Recession? Stagnant GDP? Dwindling dollar? Gone in a heartbeat. It's boom times all over again.

And when these people pay their taxes (because the poor and middle class largely do pay their taxes), there will be money to repair our crumbling infrastructure and ensure the security of our financial system. It's a win win all around.

Naturally, some will object to this proposal on moral grounds. The taboo against consuming human flesh is strong. But gross immorality is what got us here in the first place. The bankers and brokers who brought our economy to the brink of collapse had no qualms about cannibalizing our future and no limits to their gluttony. They've been face down in the trough while millions lost their jobs, their homes, and their hope.

I don't think we'd need to eat all of the rich. A few well orchestrated meals would likely convince the rest to stop acting like swine. They could start by giving the money back.

History doesn't lie. When the people have finally had enough, they rise. When they get angry enough, taboos slip away. Whether they march on the Bastille with torches and pitchforks or on Bear Stearns with knives and salad forks, the result is the same. Blood flows just as easily as money.

It's food for thought.

-- The WitList (with apologies to the ghost of Jonathan Swift.)

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Monday, March 16, 2009

Global Economic Crisis is Over, say Experts

Public humiliation of Jim Cramer credited for biggest surge since 1997

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

NEW YORK -- The world markets heaved a collective sigh of relief this morning as the global economic crisis was declared officially over, thanks to last week's smack down of television pundit Jim Cramer by television pundit Jon Stewart.

"It was a good old fashioned ass whuppin," said one analyst. "Who knew that's all it would take?"

The Dow soared 900 points on the news that Cramer had been taken down a peg, while the Nikkei Index climbed 12 percent in a single day's trading.

As a result, MSNBC announced it has canceled the public flaying of money honey Maria Bartiromo, scheduled for later this week.

Stock vs Schtick

In a highly anticipated grudge match, the suave but short satirist pummeled the dangerously unbalanced stock tout with questions, video clips, and barely restrained moral outrage, while Cramer cowered in a corner clutching a dog-eared copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul of Morally Bankrupt Hedge Fund Managers.

"Jim Cramer was almost entirely responsible for the market collapse, the rampant fraud, and Ponzi schemes across Wall Street,"  noted an influential banker who asked to remain anonymous. "He also personally approved billions in bonuses for corrupt AIG officials. Now that he's out of the picture, we can get back to doing what we do best -- investing pensioner's life savings in dangerously over-inflated 'securities' while lining our pockets."

According to sources contacted by The WitList, Wall Street is nearing completion of the Trans-Financial Pipeline, a multi-billion-dollar project that will siphon money directly from taxpayers' pockets into the accounts of the Street's wealthiest humans, bypassing the IRS entirely. 

"The pipeline will correct inefficiencies in the market and put the money where it really belongs: In the hands of the people who already have most of it," said the source. "Otherwise, it will just end up being frittered away on groceries and medical bills. For our economy to be strong, we need to put brokers before home owners -- or as we like to put it, 'bro's before ho's'."

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Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Dick Cheney's Exit Interview

Dan Tynan
Senior correspondent, The WitList

Disguised as Fox News' Brit Hume, I gained access to the vice president's secret lair and managed to obtain an exclusive interview. Here is a transcript of our conversation.

Mr. Vice President, first let me thank you for giving me a few moments of your time.

You're welcome, Brit.

Now that your administration is almost over, are there any state secrets you can reveal?

Well there is one. We had a secret underground railway built between the White House and the Capitol. We put the vice president's office on it, so it could move between the legislative and executive branches at will. It was based on the old MX missile system.

That way the terrorists – and by terrorists I mean the United States Congress – would never know what branch I was in at any given moment. I have to say it worked beautifully.

What do you remember most about 9/11?

How hard it was to convince the Secret Service to keep Bush on Air Force One so I could do what was best for the country. We had a few extra guests at Guantanamo after that episode, I can tell you that.

You mean you ran the country on that day?

And every one since.

Isn't that unconstitutional?

No it's entirely constitutional. The 25th Amendment clearly states that if the president is incapacitated the vice president shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office. I mean, look at the man. He was incapacitated at birth. If they didn't let him wear loafers he'd never leave the White House. Someone had to take over.

So how is the war on terror going?

Very well, thanks. After the Berlin Wall fell, we in DC struggled for years to find an enemy worthy of the Soviet Union and Communism – something that could justify the vast quantities of cash spent on defense contracts and surveillance infrastructure. Then 9/11 came. Boom. Perpetual endless war.

I mean, a bunch of Omar Sharif wannabes take over some planes using box cutters and now the entire country is held hostage, possibly for decades. How brilliant is that?

Since then we've managed to keep it going -- doing nothing of any substance in Afghanistan, spending billions on recruitment efforts in Iraq, and doing everything in our power to make the Arab world hate us. I'd say that's working out extremely well.

And of course, in a time of war, the vice president's powers are supreme. That was a nice bonus

Proudest accomplishments?

I personally managed to overrule the Geneva Convention restrictions and reinstate torture as an official policy. I got rid of those silly 4th Amendment restrictions on illegal search and seizure. We were able to abduct people and hold them prisoner for years without ever charging them with a crime. We tapped the phones of millions of ordinary Americans. Nobody in Congress said squat. The pussies.

Let's see... intimidating my political enemies, stonewalling investigations, avoiding hostile media outlets – and, really, accountability of any kind -- redirecting billions of Iraq war funds to my close personal associates. That was all good.

During our eight years in office there was not a single Martian invasion. I think that record speaks for itself.

Also, I got to tell Senator Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself. That was fun.

Any regrets?

I do regret shooting my friend Harry in the face. That was an accident. Other than that, well, there are plenty of people in Washington I wouldn't mind going quail hunting with, if you know what I mean.

Any final words of wisdom, as you leave office?

Leaving? Who says I'm leaving?

On January 21, when Joe Biden assumes the office of vice president.

[evil grin]

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Four Years Ago Today....

I started this blog as a way to keep myself sane after George W. Bush's "re-election" over John Kerry. How someone who was technically never elected in the first place can get re-elected is beyond me, but that's all history now.

It began by tracking the efforts to recount the vote in Ohio, and then morphed into a tool of satire and the occasional rant. I'd not really intended to keep doing it for four years, and it lay fallow for many months before this election season.

Yesterday, for the first time in my adult life, I got to vote FOR a candidate I believe in, instead of AGAINST a candidate I could not abide. Not Kerry, not Gore, not Clinton (twice), not Dukakis (whom I did not vote for), not Mondale (ditto) or Carter (tritto). Even better: He won. Who'd have predicted that?

It's a happy day here at The WitList. But I don't see any need to shut this sucker down. I expect the wingnuts to lick their wounds and come roaring back. I expect them to do everything in their power to subvert any change Obama may try to bring. In short, I expect them to be the flaming assholes they've always been. And that's always good material for a satirist.

But for now, time to rest and enjoy the end of the Bush Era. May we never see another like him.

-- Dan Tynan

My Post Election Memo

(With apologies to Michael Moore, as I feel like I'm channeling him here.)

To John McCain

Dear John:

I'd like to say you fought a valiant campaign, but that would be lying. And we've had too much of that lately. For the past 12 months we've seen the evil, petty, nasty John McCain, while the straight-talkin' independent-thinking “maverick” was bound and gagged in an undisclosed location under the RNC headquarters.

Last night's concession speech was gracious and eloquent; a hopeful sign the good McCain may have finally returned. But after this year's nasty, vicious, erratic display, we feel very lucky you're going home to one of your 8 9 10 11 houses.

To Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah:

You know, it was real swell meeting you. I mean, gosh. You just lit up the national scene like a fire on a oil spill. The way you whipped up all those “real” Americans -- the mouth breathers, the wife beaters, the sixth grade dropouts with a grudge. It was a real slice of life. Just the opportunity to see Todd in a suit was worth it.

Now you can go back to staring at Russia from your backyard. And when you run in 2012, you can claim to have four years of foreign policy experience.

But feel free to keep all the clothes. I'm sure you'll find somewhere to wear them in Wasilla. You betcha.

PS: You're much hotter than Tina Fey... NOT.

Joe The Plumber

Dear Joe:

You know the old saying about opinions being like assholes? Your 15 minutes are up, asshole. Time to go back to fixing leaky cesspools instead of being one.

To the Democrats

Dear Eeyore:

Congratulations! It was an historic victory. You kicked ass. Well done.

Now it's time to go back to doing what you do best: fighting amongst yourselves. Or maybe you might try governing for a change. Just a thought.

To the Republicans

Dear Dumbo:

Don't think of this as a defeat. Think of it as payback for eight years of arrogance, ignorance, and unmitigated greed. The all-you-can-eat pork barrel bar is now closed. I hope y'all have good lawyers.

The good news? You can go back to doing what you do best: attacking those in power and claiming you'd be doing a much better job. As if.

To the Next President of the United States

Dear Barack:

You're brilliant, inspiring, and massively articulate. You've got a beautiful family and an army of adoring followers. You're skinny and have a wicked jump shot. We all want to be you. Hell, even Michael Jordan wants to be you.

But we wouldn't want your new job. You'll inherit the most daunting challenge faced by any new president since Lincoln. Two wars and a looming depression; staggering debt, a Constitution in shreds, and a sharply divided people who have lost faith in government's ability to do anything good. Got any more miracles left? We'll need em.

To the Real Real Americans

Dear Friends:

You did the right thing. You turned out in numbers so overwhelming nobody dared steal this one. You worked hard and opened your wallets in unprecedented numbers. After eight long years in the desert, you deserve to savor this.

Done yet? Because now it's time to double down. We have a serious mess on our hands and Barack needs your help. The real work is only just beginning.

YES WE DID!

 

Sunday, November 02, 2008

McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements

Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following Dick Cheney's rousing endorsement of John McCain for president last weekend, a number of the vice president's colleagues have come out in favor of Senator McCain during the waning moments of the campaign.

Austin Powers nemesis Dr. Evil says he can think of "a MILLION reasons" why people should vote for McCain. (He later revised this to "a BILLION reasons.") However, diminutive sidekick Mini Me said he's voting for Ron Paul as a write-in candidate. It's a height thing, Me explained.

The International Union of Evil Doers has been running a phone bank during the last week of the campaign, urging Americans to ignore their better history and focus on their more genocidal tendencies, says Lex Luthor, spokes-villain for the organization.

"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.

Freddy Krueger, of Nightmare on Elm Street fame, says he also favors the GOP. Though technically not corporeal, Krueger says he would be able to vote if someone falls asleep inside a voting booth and dreams of him.

The Crypt Keeper, currently retired and living in Florida, said he always looked up to John McCain as a kind of spiritual older brother. The GOP ticket also picked up endorsements from Cruella da Ville, Darth Vader, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Voldemort.

In related news: Former Enemy No. 1 Osama Bin Laden has emerged from hiding to explain the lack of an October Surprise video during this election cycle. Poll watchers had been eagerly anticipating Bin Laden's quadrennial effort to scare the U.S. electorate into voting Republican. Speaking through his publicist,  Bin Laden said, 'We ran the numbers and just didn't see the ROI. I don't think even I could swing this thing for McCain. Talk to me again in 2012."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My New Lawn Sign

lawnsign4

I am both a comically inept graphic artist and a terrible photographer, so this is the best I could do. But it has its own quiet charm, I think.

lawnsign2

I couldn't get McCain to come to Wilmaville to pose, so I had to use his younger brother, James "Bones" McCain.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Assaulted McCain Campaign Worker Turns Other Cheek

Vows to forgive herself for vicious attack, but still blames Obama

PITTSBURGH, PA -- A McCain volunteer who claims to have been carved up by an Obama supporter has changed her story.

Ashley Todd admitted to police that she was in fact her own assailant. The 20-year-old campaign worker from Texas says she pinned herself to the ground, verbally abused herself, punched herself in the eye, and carved a capital B into her right cheek with a paper clip.

The fact that the B had been carved backwards, as if done while looking in a mirror, was a clue that her original story was perhaps not all that it seemed, noted police officials.

Since Todd's confession six more McCain campaign volunteers have come forward with claims that they too were forced into self mutilation by the Obama campaign. Several sported large B's and O's on various parts of their faces; one victim claimed she had endured three hours of torture forceful interrogation while she patiently carved "Hussien" into her own buttocks, then crossed it out and started over when she realized she'd misspelled it.

The McCain campaign pledged immediate assistance, offering to donate a $4,000 Donna Karen tweed jacket and three pairs of $1000 Versace pumps to each of the hapless victims, provided they were all a size 6.

McCain spokesperson Joe T. Plumber blamed the Obama campaign for the outrage.

"Only real Americans in real America would carve themselves up like Halloween pumpkins to fight the terrorist Barack Hussein Obama," noted Plumber. "If not for Barack Obama's campaign, these patriots would not have been forced to endure this punishment."

In other news: Barack Obama received yet another unexpected endorsement from a leading Republican today when Senator John McCain declared that he too would be voting for the Democratic candidate.

McCain's nod adds to endorsements by former Bush Secretary of State Colin Powell, former Republican governor of Massachusetts William Weld, and former McCain advisor Charles Fried.

"I was for Obama before I was against him," said the aging ex POW. "A lot of people don't remember that."

Lawn Sign of the Times

geezer dingbat

What my front lawn looks like, or would, if a) I took care of it, and 2) knew how to make a sign like this one.

Thanks to Steve Bass for sharing that. Not sure where he got it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

GOP Defends Palin Clothes Bill as 'Economic Stimulus Package'

Veep candidate's $150,000 spending spree just a drop in the bucket, say Republicans

By Dan Tynan
The WitList

WASILLA, AK -- The Politico Blog has revealed that the Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 since last August making Governor Sarah Palin look "vice presidential." 

However, officials for the RNC defended the expenditures as an "important stimulus package" for sectors of the U. S. economy that needed it most -- the couture and cosmetic counters at some of our nation's toniest department stores.

Personal shoppers for the would-be VP racked up nearly $50,000 in bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in New York and St. Louis, and more than $75,000 in a one-day shopping spree at a Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis. That works out to an average of $2500 a day, or a rating of 4.25 on the John Edwards Haircut Scale.

Included in the costs was $4,716.49 on hair and makeup during the month of September. GOP officials defended thegranny2 expenditure as necessary due to the rigors of the campaign and the difficulty of maintaining Palin's image as "Caribou Barbie."

"Have you ever tried to get lipstick to stay on a pit bull?" an official remarked. "We have to slap the stuff on with a trowel."

The WitList has obtained a photograph (right) of what the nation's Hottest Governor looks like without her makeup.

Palin's supporters urged the RNC to continue spending whatever it takes to maintain the candidate's status as #1 MILF.

"Hell, she looks hot, and that's all I care about," said Joe the Plumber (note: not an actual plumber). "I'd even give up the opportunity to own my own business if I could make sure she stays that hot."

Joe Six Pack could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

John McCain: Space Alien

Last week's final presidential debate revealed what some of us have suspected for a long time.

John McCain is an alien cleverly disguised as a human.

In the photo captured by Reuters photographer Jim Bourg (above), McCain revealed that he is in fact a member of a distant reptilian race sent to earth to complete total world domination. Careful study of the photo reveals that McCain is in fact an agent for the GORN species, first witnessed in Star Trek (The Original Series) episode #19, "The Arena."

Suffering from low blood sugar after a tense and nasty debate, McCain spied a large moth lighting on Obama's back and instinctively lunged for it, forgetting for a moment that the cameras were still on.

The GORN seek to strip the Earth of all its natural resources and implant their eggs into all terrestrial women, creating a race of cold-blooded lizard-brained humanoids -- thus their natural affinity for the Republican Party.

It has been revealed that Sarah Palin is carrying a GORN baby, and will return to the reptilians' home planet during the final throes of labor to deliver the child.

The GORN operate under the direction of the Grand Overlord of the Reptilian Nation, known to most terrestrials as Dick Cheney.

Monday, October 13, 2008

McCain Renames "Straight Talk Express"

Campaign bus now dubbed Hate Talk Express

hate talk express

SEDONA, Arizona -- In an effort to reflect the changing tenor of the McCain Palin juggernaut, officials inside the McCain campaign announced they are changing the name of the McCain bus from the Straight Talk Express to the Hate Talk Express.

"It's time to formally acknowledge our strategy to bring reform to Washington, DC, by viciously attacking our opponent," said a McCain campaign official who was too busy liquidating his stock portfolio to offer his name. 

In a town hall meeting in this southwestern resort, McCain urged his followers to stop calling Senator Barack Obama a terrorist, Muslim, homeboy, spear chucker, waterman eater, jiggaboo, and Senator Sambo Osama.

"But if they want to exercise their First Amendment rights," said the candidate, "that's their cross to burn-- er,  bear."

McCain went on to slam Senator Obama for being a dangerously inexperienced radical who wants to socialize health care for millions of middle income Americans when he should be socializing banking for thousands of extremely wealthy Americans.

The GOP candidate contrasted Obama with running mate Sarah Palin, praising her pragmatic stances on state secession, the use of gubernatorial powers to settle family disputes, and her ability to kill, render, and dress an eight-point buck without smearing her lipstick.

"Also, she's fully protected against witchcraft," noted McCain. "That will come in handy if we're attacked by flying monkeys."

Saturday, October 11, 2008

US Removes North Korea from Terror List, Adds Alaska

Special to The WitList

palin gawking WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States has removed North Korea from its list of terrorist states, but has added the state of Alaska.

According to officials at the US State Department, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has met all of the requirements for being delisted from the Axis of Evil, including persuading North Korean leader Kim Jong-il to change his name to Joe Camel to make it easier for President Bush to pronounce.

However, state department officials filled the slot created by the country's removal with Alaska, citing a growing threat from a landmass more than 12 times the size of Korea. 

Though the 49th state has no known nuclear weapons program, it is ruled by an unstable leader who recognizes no legal limits on her power and seems determined to achieve world domination, noted a state department official who wished to remain anonymous. Governor For Life Sar Ah Pal-in commands nearly 4000 national guard troops, making it the 47th largest standing army in the nation.

"Besides, she can see Russia from her backyard," said the official. "That puts her right next door to the largest nuclear arsenal on the planet."

Governor Pal-in has been known to target political enemies and draws large, angry mobs wherever she appears. In a statement, the governor denied allegations that she has abused her powers and threatened to fire anyone who claimed otherwise.

Todd Pal-in, First Consort to the Governor, said the terror listing will make little difference to Alaskans, who own an average of 27 guns apiece.  "We were gonna secede from the union, like, any day now anyway," he said. "Just as soon as moose hunting season is over."

Friday, October 03, 2008

Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart

This is just too good. Anyone who watched the Biden-Palin "debate" last night can tell you how spot on this is. Biden was debating. Not sure what Palin was doing. But this chart captures it all:

I believe blogger Aden Nak is the creator of this gem. Stand up and take a bow, Aden.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Are You Qualified to Be Vice President?

You don't need years of tireless public service, a degree from a decent college, or national security experience to become vice president. Heck, you don't even need to be smart. All you need to do is pass this quiz.

Do you have what it takes to be one heartbeat away from the presidency? Sharpen your number two pencils and find out. But please, no Googling or looking in Wikipedia. We want this to be one contest whose results you can actually trust.

1. One of these men is Vladimir Putin. Can you identify him?

1a. How about with his shirt off?

There, that's better.

2. How many nations are in the 'Nuclear Club'?

a. 2
b. 4
c. 7
d. 10

2a. How many nations are in the 'Hair Club for Men'?

3. Which of the following nations are NOT members of the Nuclear or Hair Clubs for Men?

a. India
b. Iraq
c. Iran
d. Israel

4. Which nation has more thermonuclear warheads than any other nation on the planet?

a. Russia
b. United States
c. China

4a. Let's try that again. Which nation has more thermonuclear warheads than any other nation?

a. Russia
b. Russia
c. Russia

5. So which nation is it probably not a good idea to suggest the US should “perhaps” go to war with to protect a smaller nation with no nuclear warheads?

Was that so hard?

6. That the United States will “provide political, military and economic assistance to all democratic nations under threat from external or internal authoritarian forces” is the definition of which presidential doctrine?

a. The Monroe Doctrine
b. The Truman Doctrine
c. The Bush Doctrine
d. In what respect, Charlie?

7. The 25th Amendment to the US Constitution provides for...

a. Orderly transfer of power when the president is incapacitated
b. Woman's right to vote
c. Americans' right to drink
d. Making Alaska the 57th state

8. Quick: The vice president's office belongs to which branch of government?

a. Executive
b. Legislative
c. Judicial
d. Cheneary

9. You've just accidentally shot someone in the face. The first thing you do is...

a. Willingly submit to questioning by authorities
b. Invoke legislative executive privilege
c. Claim the victim had ties to 9/11
d. Hide under the bed and refuse to talk anyone but Sean Hannity

10. True or false: They really do speak Latin in Latin America

a. Verus
b. Falsus
c. Quis?

11. Lipstick looks best on

a. Pitbulls
b. Pigs
c. John McCain's collar

12. You're presiding over a state dinner honoring Chinese premier Wen Jiabao. The president of the Republic of Taiwan calls and says he'd like to be invited. This is a bad idea because....

a. China and Taiwan are unofficially at war
b. Their wives can't stand each other
c. Last time he was over he ate a bad shrimp and bok-choyed on the carpet

13. Four of these vice presidents became president, but only one was ever elected to the office. Which one?

a. Gerald Ford
b. Andrew Johnson
c. Millard Fillmore
d. Calvin Coolidge

14. How many presidents have died in office?

a. 4
b. 6
c. 8
d. All of them

15. How many of them were older than John McCain is today?

a. 0
b. 0
c. 0
d. All of the above

SCORE

0 to 5 points: You don't have what it takes to be VP. But you might be able to run a small-ass town in the middle of f*****g nowhere

6 to 10 points: You'll have to settle for a job with Fox News

11 to 14 points: You'd be VP material, if only your breasts were bigger

15 points: I'm sorry Hillary, but the position's been filled

Note: Actual answers to be posted next week... maybe.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Next President and Vice President of the United State of America

Sickened by the McCain Palin lie machine? Tired of earnest-yet-wimpy responses from the Obama campaign? Then ladies and gentilemen, I give you the winning alternative:

Ron Paul + Ru Paul '08

She's tanned, he's rested, they're ready.

He's a libertarian firebrand who'll speak truth to power no matter what the consequences. And he smokes dope!

She's a gender-bending chanteuse with an ass like a locomotive heading south at high speed. And she kills her own food!

Talk about lipstick on a pig!

Monday, September 01, 2008

Cindy McCain is Pregnant!

Would be First Lady has potential First Baby

ST PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS -- In the capper to a day of stunning disclosures from the McCain campaign, would-be first lady Cindy McCain announced that she too is with child.

The 55-year-old beer heiress was thought to be well past child-bearing age and surprised both campaign staff and her husband with her announcement. However, she said she was determined to remain a svelte size five throughout the term, with the help of amphetamines.

"John doesn't spend all his time campaigning," Cindy McCain said, winking. "The surge worked."

When asked about the pregnancy, Senator McCain seemed puzzled and replied he wasn't actually sure of how many children he had, you would have to ask his wife.

Earlier in the evening, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska announced that Bristol Palin, her unmarried 17 year old daughter, is five months pregnant. This put something of a damper on Internet-fueled rumors that Trig, Palin's four-month-old, is really Bristol's child.

"I guess that abstinence program we had her on didn't take," Palin said with a shrug.

The Palin camp announced that 14-year-old daughter Willow is not yet pregnant, but has a hot date for next Friday night, so anything's possible.

In response, an aide to Barack Obama's campaign declined to talk about either candidate's family, but assured voters that the candidate and his wife Michelle continue to have a robust sex life using appropriate birth control measures. He then mouthed the words "four times a night -- seriously" but refused to take any questions.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

McCain as Maverick? My Ass.

I used to like John McCain. Not his politics, just him. Alone among all the Republicans (and virtually all the Democrats) he seemed like someone who had his own thoughts and spoke his own mind. He didn't seem to test out his sentences in front of focus groups before they dropped from his lips. He called it “straight talk,” and it was a welcome relief from the bullshit that comes flowing out of the Beltway on an hourly basis.

The John McCain who ran against GW Bush in the 2000 primaries seemed like a guy that, even if I disagreed with him on 90% of social issues, I could support and respect in other ways. He was the quintessential maverick, or so it seemed. Heck, even Jon Stewart liked him.

But not anymore. What changed?

At some point over the last three years McCain sold his soul to the White House. He traded public support for “the surge” for a promise of help rallying the Bush Base (billionaires + flat earth conservatives) behind him. He began to walk, talk, and crap like every other politician in Washington with his eye on the big prize.

The choice of Governor Sarah Palin as running mate is, publicly at least, a desperate attempt to resurrect that Maverick image. "Look at Johnny go, making a pick completely out of left field. He's still his own man, by golly."

But the reality is just the opposite. Palin is not a serious choice for vice president. She's Dan Quayle with tits. OK, maybe she's a little smarter than Dan Quayle. But imagine just for a moment the croak or stroke scenario: McCain suddenly kicks the bucket or goes into a persistent vegetative state, and we have President Sarah Palin. From mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population 6,000), to leader of the free world in less than three years. What a great story for Hollywood. What a disaster for the planet.

Does anyone on the GOP side honestly relish that thought? Well, yes – the power brokers in DC who would use Palin as a hand puppet the same way they used W. (I wouldn't rule out Dick Cheney re-emerging to pull the strings. I still believe they're going to have a hell of a time evicting him next January.) Then god help us.

Palin is cute, no doubt about it. She has an appealing back story. She's like that chick from Northern Exposure – Janine whatshername. But what she really is, at heart, is a sop to the evangelicals that McCain desperately needs to turn out in force if he has a chance of derailing Obama. She's the female Huckabee. And if that isn't politics as usual, I don't know what is.

(I can't say I'm thrilled by Obama's choice of Biden, either. It seems a step backward in the wrong direction toward DC. But I also can't think of any really good alternatives, despite how pissed off my wife is that he didn't pick Hillary.)

When I was young, Maverick meant two things. It was a comedy-western TV show from the 50s starring James Garner. And it was a compact car put out by Ford in the early 1970s when Detroit was trying to compete with Toyota and Datsun. The show was great – Garner was charming, funny, and always two steps ahead of the other guy; the car sucked and was discontinued shortly after it debuted.

McCain as Maverick is much closer to the car than to Garner. He is a tired wannabee product put out by a factory town that lost its way decades ago. He's a lemon destined for the junkyard. And no amount of new paint – or physically appealing running mates – can change that.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Why Sarah Palin is the Perfect VP Candidate

WARNING: The following list may prove offensive to women, mothers, beauty queens (current and former), Alaskans, those with bladder conditions, those too senile to remember how many houses they own, middle class millionaires, gun-toting Bible thumpers, and members of the GOP. Management assumes no responsibility for psychological damage incurred.

10. Raising five kids is a lot like negotiating with Iran, Iraq, Syria, Israel and the Saudis.

9. If elected, there is at least a 50 percent chance she will know what branch of the government she works for.

8. Though governor for only 20 months, one month in Alaska is like a year anywhere else.

7. She doesn't believe human actions caused global warming. God simply hates polar bears.

6. As the former runner-up to Miss Alaska, she'll have a big advantage in the swimsuit competition at the next World Economic Forum.

5. She can still remember how many houses she owns (3).

4. As a supporter of Creationism, she's sure to always be by McCain's side – after all, she's made from his rib.

3. She'll be able to help McCain put on his diappies when he becomes completely incontinent.

2. With a 4-month-old baby she'll already be awake when that 3 am phone call comes and McCain is in an Ambien-induced coma.

... and the number one reason Sarah Palin is a great choice for vice president:

1. As a longtime NRA member, she won't hesitate to shoot anyone in the face.


Sunday, August 03, 2008

Barack or Britney? The similarities are uncanny



















Maybe the McCain campaign is right. Maybe Barack is just like Britney and Paris. Consider the following:

Top 10 things Barack Obama has in common with Britney Spears and/or Paris Hilton

10. None of them are natural blondes
9. They all appear in public without panties
8. They have more Facebook friends than McCain does
7. Europeans actually like them
6. They prefer terrorist fist jabs to high fives
5. People under age 35 have actually heard of them
4. None of them are married to scary beer heiress drug addicts
3. They know how to use the Internets
2. They all share a 72-year-old stalker from Arizona
1. None of them sings worth a damn

Monday, July 14, 2008

What's Wrong With the New Yorker Cover

As someone who commits tasteless acts of political satire on a quasi-regular basis, I feel like it's my duty to defend the New Yorker in this current flap over its Osama/Obama cover. But I can't. And it's not just because I'm an Obama-head, albeit a late convert from mild Edwardsianism. I think it's because the New Yorker missed the mark, badly. And David Remnick's post facto explanations are also missing the mark. I don't think he gets what satire is supposed to be.

First, a few words about the cartoon. It's very good. I don't know Barry Blitt, though his illustrations have occasionally graced articles I've written (though not in the New Yorker, that's for damned sure.) But he nailed it, especially the Angela Davis look for Michelle. The problem is context. There isn't any. This is the New Yorker, for godsakes. It's not Mad Magazine. It's not The Onion, or Spy. It's not a venue, in other words, in which satire is a given, and people know immediately what the point is.

You dial up The Daily Show or the Colbert Report, and you know you're getting satire. It is called The Comedy Channel for a reason, though that reason isn't always obvious if you tune in some of their other shows. They don't run endless investigative pieces by Seymour Hersh, for example, on Reno 911. They don't publish pretentious short fiction. If Saturday Night Live put on a skit with Obama as Osama and Michelle as Angela, it would probably be a scream. Because that would fit their context. We'd all be in on the joke. No explanation necessary.

But for the New Yorker to run what is essentially right wing propaganda on its cover, sans explanation, and then claim that they were satirizing not the Obamas but the propaganda surrounding them, is just dumb. It's 'meta satire'. But meta satire isn't funny. And to people whose ability to detect irony is wholly missing -- which is to say the morons who form the larger part of the Bush Base -- it's the same as the truth. This cover is Christmas in July for every right-wing radio nut and web whackjob. I bet it's already been emailed and Xeroxed a million times.

Worse, the cartoon isn't even true to the spirit of the New Yorker, which is almost always whimsical. In an apparent attempt to defend itself, the magazine's Web site is running a series showing all of Barry Blitt's satirical cartoons under "The Politics of Satire." Some of them are quite funny. I particularly like the one called "wide stance," featuring Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad as Senator Larry Craig. But there isn't any whimsy in the Obama/Osama cartoon. It's dark (and I don't mean that in a racial way). It's ugly in a way that even the most pointed anti-Bush cartoons are not. And unlike the other "satirical" cartoons the New Yorker presents, it singles out a presidential candidate in the middle of a close election -- not someone who's already president, not both candidates together, nor a long-dead historical figure. That series only points out just how different the Obama/Osama cartoon is.

More important, the cartoon isn't satirizing the truth, it's satirizing a lie. When the New Yorker depicts Dick Cheney as Archie Bunker and George Bush as the meek Edith, or as the Bush cabinet floating in chest-high water after Katrina, that's satirizing the truth. Portraying Obama as a flag-burning Muslim friend of Osama and Michelle as a Black Panther is the modern equivalent of portraying Jews as fat money-grubbing plutocrats in 1933, then claiming you were merely satirizing Hitler. It propagates the lie, not the truth. And that's what David Remnick doesn't get. As a satirist, his job is to propagate the truth. -- Dan Tynan

New Yorker Rejects Alternate Obama Cartoons

The WitList has learned that the recent New Yorker cover featuring a turban'd Obama/Osama and Michelle Obama dressed as Angela Davis was only one of several cover options consideredfor the issue. NYer editor David Remnick apparently rejected several other concepts, including:

* Barack Obama eating watermelon and grinning in front of a background featuring a pregnant barefoot Michelle Obama and her 13 illegitimate children.

* Barack as a ghetto homeboy smoking crack while Michelle turns $5 tricks on the street corner.

* Barack as Sammy Davis Jr., shucking and jiving with Richard Nixon at the White House, while Michelle (dressed as Pearl Bailey) sings "Hello Dolly."

* Barack as Jimmy "dy-no-mite" Walker and Michelle as Louise "weezie" Jefferson on their way to cash in some food stamps for a couple of 40s.

Editor Remnick rejected these cartoons as "not funny or stereotypical enough." Next up for the New Yorker cover: Photos of anacondas devouring new born babies. "They're a scream," says Remnick.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Setting the Record Straight on Michelle Obama

By Dan Tynan
Special to the WitList


As we all know, reverse racism is a terrible thing. For years White Americans have suffered at the hands of those privileged to possess a higher melanin count and superior vertical lift. We have been victimized by a vast Afro-American conspiracy to keep us from appearing on the BET network, starting at point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, or dating Oprah.

Now, with the Obamas poised to move into the White House, it's time to reverse reverse racism before it's too late.

In truth, the problem lies not with Barack Obama. He's like Tiger Woods without the Swoosh. And being half white, there's a good chance he has an average-sized penis.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand.... Big Problem. Not only is she black and female, she's also angry. And there is nothing more dangerous to White America than an Angry Black Female With an Enormous Penis.

Despite near-documentary evidence to the contrary, Michelle Obama continues to deny she used the phrase “Whitey” in a conversation with Louis Farrakhan and Reverend Jeremiah Wright about the elimination of the Caucasian race. Maybe that's true. But if she's not a reverse racist, why does her official campaign limo have a “Honk if you're a honky” bumper sticker on the back? And why does she refer to the Oval Office as the “Ofay Office” when white people aren't listening?

White America demands and deserves answers to these questions.

But wait, it gets worse. Thanks to our exhaustive research, we've uncovered more damning evidence of Michelle Obama's hatred of her paler peers. Over the years she's made a number of comments harmful to the white race, followed by pitiful denials. Here are just a few examples.

Stick it to da man.” While touring a furniture factory in Ohio, the would-be first lady was heard to reveal her master plan for dealing with whites after ascending to the White House. Obama claims she actually said “Stickley – he's the man,” referring to Gustav Stickley, master furniture maker of the early 20th century. Oh come on. How would a black person know anything about that?

Foshizzle ma nizzle.” Michelle Obama was clearly seen lip syncing this phrase when she appeared in a Snoop Dogg rap video as one of his bitches. Obama claims to have never appeared on stage with the Snoopster in any venue, taped or otherwise. She did not, however, deny being one of his bitches.

I was marinatin' on the porch with my homies sippin on a 40.” Obama claims this refers to marinating pork at home for Barack's 40th birthday. This clearly an outright lie. We all know Muslims don't eat pork.

I'm gonna bust a cap in that white bitch's ass.” Obama claims this statement concerns a visit to her veterinarian's office and an anal suppository, and that “white bitch” refers to her Alaskan Eskimo dog, not Hillary Clinton. Please. Do you think we've never seen Cleopatra Jones or Get Christie Love?

Dyn-o-mite!” Obama admits she actually did say this.

This charade has gone on long enough. Can we really be expected to believe that the wife of the country's first semi-black presidential candidate could conduct herself as an adult in public? That a graduate of Princeton and Harvard Law isn't hooked on Ebonics or out to destroy the White Race as we know it?

What do you think we are, stupid?


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

McCain Googles for a Veep


By Dan Tynan

RICHMOND, VA -- Republican presidential nominee John McCain has announced a new tool in his search for a running mate: Google.

According to Reuters, the candidate says he's using the popular search engine to vet potential candidates.

"You know, basically it's a Google," he said to laughter at a fund-raising luncheon when asked how the selection process was going. "What you can find out now on the Internet -- it's remarkable."

So far, officials close to the McCain campaign say Google has allowed the Senator to narrow the field to a handful of top candidates. They include:

* A deposed Nigerian minister who's offered to donate $35 million to the McCain campaign, once he manages to sneak it out of the country

* Tay Zonday, singer of "Chocolate Rain" and winner of a 2008 Webby Award

* Pop singer Rick Astley.

The aides said the Arizona senator briefly considered adding LonelyGirl15 to the ticket, but declined after discovering she did not meet minimum age requirement of 35.

"One thing is for sure,"said the aide. "Anything we do is better than asking Cheney to pick somebody for us. We're not even sure we'll be able to pry him out of the building next January."

Monday, June 09, 2008

Apologies if I offended anyone

.... with my Hillary jibes yesterday. (And I know I must have, because I caught an earful about it this morning.)

I wasn't trying to be sexist, but apparently I succeeded in grand style. For that, I apologize. They say that if you have to explain a joke it can't be very funny to begin with, but I'm going to try and explain it here.

First: I have tremendous respect for Senator Clinton as a person and as a legislator. I think she'd make a fine president (better than her husband, for sure). But I hated the way she ran her campaign. I hated the 'do anything to win' strategy. I hated how 'Republican' she acted, even if her policy ideas came straight out of the FDR-Kennedy-Johnson strain of the Democratic party. And the last thing this country needs is another Republican in the White House, in thought or in deed.

More than that: I hate 'politics as usual.' I hate the way Washington is run. The Clintons, smart creatures that they are, figured out how Washington is run and mastered that game. But the game sucks. I want someone who wants to flip the game board over and scatter the pieces. I don't know if Obama can do that. I don't know if any one can. But I want someone in the White House who is at least willing to try. That's why I support him. He's also the first candidate I've ever encountered as an adult who I'd consider the least bit inspiring. Hillary is admirable, but I'm not inspired.

Anyway, my post was intended to be a silly take on how the Clintons expected to march into the White House next January the way the Bush-Cheney administration marched into Baghdad, and how when everything didn't fall exactly into place they had no plan 'to win the peace,' as John Kerry used to say. (Talk about uninspiring candidates.) That was really the nucleus of the idea; the Pottery Barn thing was just a silly way to approach it. And apparently offensive. Sorry about that. Also: sorry about the 'bitch' joke. I knew when I wrote it I should have changed it.

This is the problem with trying to write in a funny and/or satirical way. Without an audience to play to, there's no way to know when you're just being an ass.

Future warning: if I feel inspired again to wax snarky on politics, I'm likely to make jokes about Obama appointing JayZ his Secretary of State or say something about how damned old John McCain is. So I'll just apologize now and get it over with.

Peace.

dt
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