Thursday, May 05, 2005

God Denies Connections to Controversial Evangelist

Almighty creator says he’s never spoken to Pat Robertson

Virginia Beach, VA -- God appeared today on a mountaintop overlooking eastern Virginia to deny any connection to the Reverend Pat Robertson.

“I have only two words to say,” said the Creator of Heaven and Earth. “Pat who?”

In televised remarks last Sunday, Robertson reaffirmed his belief that “activist Democrat judges” were worse than the terrorists who blew up the World Trade Center, and that Muslims should not be allowed to serve as Federal judges.

Over the past 20 years, the former presidential candidate claims to have received instructions directly from God on a wide range of issues, including politics, terrorism, and the economy.

“I’ve never spoken to the man,” said the King of Nations. “He must be thinking of the Other Guy.”

A check of phone records for Robertson’s 700 Club Ministry revealed that calls thought to be from the Almighty actually originated from Stinky’s Tavern, a pool hall located four blocks from the Christian Broadcasting Network studios. Bartender Darl Snopes admitted that various patrons had made the prank calls, disguising their voices to sound more omnipotent.

Dressed in a cardigan and plus fours, God said he’d just finished a round at Valhalla Springs, a 1,889,568-hole golf course he constructed after Ben Hogan died.

The Heavenly Father expressed dismay over calls by Robertson, James C. Dobson, Tom Delay, Bill Frist, and the Family Research Council to pray for the removal of judges whose politics they disagreed with.

“Frankly, I can’t believe you listen to these people,” said the Deity. “Back in the day, I’d smite ‘em faster than you can say Judas Iscariot. But I’m retired. It’s your planet now. You broke it, you own it.”


Blogger JelloBiafra4President said...

HAHA, very funny this was. In the song jesus was a terrorist by NoMeansNo w/Jello Biafra he asks "if jesus saw pat robertson what do you think he'd say?" now i know... almost. i think a punch in the mouth would be included however.
Crazy christians are destroying our world!! noooooooooooo

12:19 AM  

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