Top 10 Reasons to Renew The Patriot Act

Several of the worst provisions of the Patriot Act—such as those relating to freedom of expression, unlawful search and seizure, and the right to avoid self-incrimination—are scheduled to expire this year. But not if Congressional Republicans and Al “Torture is my Business” Gonzalez have anything to say about it.

Here are their Top 10 reasons to not let these provisions expire (with apologies to David Letterman):

10. Everyone knows suspicion is 9/10ths of the law.

9. Ashcroft was so depressed after losing his Senate seat to a dead guy, gutting the Patriot Act will just kill him.

8. The FBI has just hired Trading Spaces’ Paige Davis to secretly redecorate terror suspect’s homes during sneak-and-peak searches.

7. We haven’t finished rounding up all the members of the deadly Fresno Quilting Bee Gang.

6. It’s cruel to deny lonely librarians visits from hunky G men.

5. Lack of judicial oversight frees up Federal courts to hear more desperate right-to-life appeals.

4. There’s still a handful of Texas Democrats Tom DeLay hasn’t found yet.

3. They’ve just expanded the prison at Guantanamo—and they’re getting the Spice Channel!

2. The new Friends Spy Free program lets suspects’ friends and family members be investigated for one low-low price.

And the number one reason for renewing the Patriot Act is…

1. Only 27 24 more amendments to go!