GOP leaders rally around embattled Prince of Darkness
WASHINGTON (CNN) – A search of Federal Election Commission records has revealed that Satan donated tens of thousands of dollars to Republican candidates and political action committees in possible violation of campaign finance laws. FEC officials said contributions were made over several election cycles under a variety of names, including Beelzebub, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Old Scratch, and Pluto.
Thursday, April 7, 2005 Posted: 1351 GMT
Democrats on Capitol Hill called for an immediate investigation into the allegations. House Majority Leader Tom Delay accused the Democrats of engaging in “partisan spirituality” and said no investigation would be forthcoming. Delay then attacked God, accusing Him of bringing plagues down upon the House of Israel and other atrocities. “Floods, famine, locusts…. these are not Republican values,” Delay said. Though a registered Independent, God was obviously colluding with Democrats in these matters, he added.
In her syndicated column, Ann Coulter mounted a spirited defense of the king of the underworld. “Satan is the single largest user of clean coal, which produces 3% less acid rain than normal coal. Do the tree-hugging liberals mention that? Nooo. Sin is the engine that drives the American economy. Without pride, envy, gluttony, sloth, lust, wrath, and avarice our nation would collapse. It’s time to give the Devil His due.”
At a press conference on the Capitol steps Satan himself appeared, wearing a blue blazer and a Bush-Cheney ’04 pin in the shape of a pentagram. He revealed he’s been a Republican since the early 1960s. “Never much cared for Eisenhower,” he said. “But the rest of them have been pretty good.” Satan said he was a big supporter of the war in Iraq (“it’s been great for business”) and claimed the Democrats have been making false accusations against him for decades.
“They shouted out, ‘Who killed the Kennedys?’” said the Devil. “Well after all, it was you and me.” Satan said he was pleased to be out in public among his friends and supporters, and looked forward to working with them for many centuries to come.