Saturday, June 04, 2005

Gays Responsible for Iraq, Michael Jackson

Study Reveals Worldwide Homosexual Conspiracy

Special to CNN - 4 June 2005 03:28 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- An independent study by conservative think tank The Bowtie Institute has uncovered a massive conspiracy to turn every man, woman, and child on the planet gay.

The Global Gay Conspiracy (GGC) is a real and present danger, warned C. Manfred Swallow, primary researcher for the study. “They already control the entertainment industry, design, hair styling, and restaurants,” said Swallow. “Now they’re trying to take over the world.”

The 537-page report demonstrates that the GGC has been secretly operating for years. Among its findings:

  • As a child, Michael Jackson was once touched by a gay man, leading to a lifetime of perversion. Jackson’s physical recoil from this touch lead to the development of the singer’s trademark “moonwalk” dance move.

  • Nearly 98% of Amnesty International is gay or has had gay thoughts. This has resulted in excessive prissiness over the forced incarceration and abuse of innocent Arab Americans.

  • Everything that has gone wrong for the last five years is the fault of the Gay Liberal Media (GLM). This includes the attacks on 9/11, the failure of the Bush Social Security privatization plan, and the ongoing carnage in Iraq.

“If it wasn’t for all those limp-wristed blow-dryer anchor-queens, we’d have won the war back when we said we did,” said Swallow.

The report offered several recommendations, including outright bans on bottle-brush mustaches, disco music, and tasteful pastel patterns. All gay men would be relocated to re-education camps, where they would be forced to memorize the Bible, watch televised sports, and master the manly art of spitting.

The new restrictions would not apply to lesbians, because lesbians are hot, says Swallow. However, all suspected Sisters of Sappho would be weighed and tagged; those in excess of 145 pounds would qualify as “bull dykes” and be eligible for discounts to World Wrestling Federation events.

The report calls for the establishment of a Federal agency to monitor the activity of gay and gay-friendly Americans. The new Department of Homo Security would be funded by taxes levied on the sale of show tunes, said Swallow.


Anonymous Liz said...

This is funny! You REALLY need more comments. Go on other boards and blogs - that's a good way to attract them. Go and leave your views all over Visit too - they've got pages on every topic - and message boards to match!! From Alabama to Paranormal Zebras and everything inbetween.

If that doesn't work, try Google Adwords!

You ought to be a professional satirist you know.

2:02 PM  

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