The Secret Lives of Cartoons

Sponge Bob has been outed. We won’t even talk about Tinky-Winky. And now Buster Baxter (co-star of “Arthur”) has been seen consorting with a lesbian couple in Vermont who show him how to (gasp) make maple syrup.

Justifiably outraged, new Department of Education chief Margaret Spellings threatened to pull funding for PBS if they didn’t kill the show. PBS chief Pat Mitchell caved faster than you could say 'Polly Purebread.'

If they only knew. The lives of cartoon characters are rife with secrets, scandals, and tales of depravity that could curl your hair. Here’s just a sample.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse: Never legally married. Over the years Mickey engaged in a series of sordid affairs (Snow White, Tinkerbelle, Annette Funicello). Minnie has not been seen in public since 1962, leading to rumors that she’s gone completely insane (or possibly just fucking Goofy).

Lucille “Lucy” Van Pelt: Operates a radical lesbian counseling service in Provincetown, Mass. Has been living with her life partner, Peppermint Patty, for nearly two decades.

Woody Woodpecker: A notorious chickenhawk. Recently reached a six-figure settlement following a law suit brought by the parents of Tweety Bird.

Boris & Natasha: Deeply into S&M. Those scars are the real thing.

The Roadrunner: Serious crank habit; rumored to operate a network of crystal meth labs in the greater Southwest.

Bugs Bunny, aka ‘Bugsy’: Notorious underworld figure who entered and later escaped the witness protection program after turning states witness against Sylvester ‘the Cat’ Gambini and Carlo ‘Daffy’ Duchinese.

The list goes on. In fact, there’s only one cartoon appropriate for our nation's children. Thank God for Davey & Goliath.