Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Cheney Signs Order to Prolong Life of Bush Administration

‘Heroic Measures’ Required to Save Presidency on the Brink, VP says

Special to the Associated Press
12 October 2005 17:44 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a dramatic last-minute operation, Vice President Richard Cheney returned to Washington late last night to sign an executive order urging the use of “heroic measures” to preserve the life of the ailing Bush administration.

The executive branch has recently been diagnosed as being in a persistent vegetative state due to a series of scandals that show no sign of abating. Insiders admit the White House has been in a coma for months, but had been kept artificially alive through periodic infusions of cash and friendly media coverage.

Among other measures, the order calls for the president to veto a bill that would forbid US soldiers from torturing detainees, which recently passed the Senate by a vote of 90 to 9. The veto – which would be the first issued by the president during nearly five years in office – would at least show signs of minimal brain activity, supporters say.

The document outlined other measures, such as initiating a series of fake terrorist attacks and staging the capture of Osama Bin Laden during the popular Fox News program, Hannity & Colmes.

Administration spin doctors are also contemplating a credibility bypass operation, a complex procedure that would route key policy decisions away from the office of Karl Rove, which is thought to be riddled with disease. However, White House officials warn that such a procedure could be life threatening.

The vice president, who sported a monocle and stroked a fluffy white cat as he signed the document, returned immediately to his secret mountain lair, located inside an abandoned missile silo in the Badlands of Wyoming.

Through a spokesperson, the vice president said he was confident the administration could hang on long enough for him to complete his master plan for world domination. He then laughed ominously.


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