Bush Readies Major Address on Terror

White House Seeks to Scare the Poop Out of the American People

Special to CNN
October 6, 2005 – 17:12 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- White House press secretary Scott McClelland announced that President Bush will address the nation on the issue of terrorism this evening. He says the president will speak about the threat to our nation’s security in a level of detail never before revealed.

The White House did not release details of the president’s hastily scheduled speech. However, according to several highly placed anonymous sources, the president will reveal the following:

• Members of Al Queda are stealing white babies and bringing them to secret preschool terrorist training camps.
  
  
• The avian flu epidemic is really the work of fundamentalist Shiite chickens intent on destroying our freedoms.
  
  
• Terrorist cells in the United States are behind the teaching of evolution in our nation’s schools.

McClelland emphasized that the president would not be addressing the insurgency in Iraq, the botched response to Hurricane Katrina, the illegal use of taxpayer money to fund pro-Bush propaganda, the indictment of Tom DeLay, the indictment of former White House official David Safavian, the SEC investigation of Senator Bill Frist, the massive federal deficit, the conservative backlash against Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, the use of forged evidence to support the case for war in Iraq, or any indictments that may be coming in the Valerie Plame scandal.

“We want to keep the focus on vague threats of terrorism, an issue where the President still polls relatively well,” he said.

McClelland also announced that the Department of Homeland Security will be introducing a new color-coded alert system based on the president’s poll numbers. He described them as follows:

Scarlet = Severe. This will be invoked when the president’s approval numbers dip below 36%. A US attack on a largely defenseless foreign target is imminent. Americans are urged to stay indoors with their heads tucked between their legs.

Persimmon = High. The president polls at or near 40% for two consecutive months. A series of “town halls” and photo opportunities will be conducted in friendly venues. Non-Bush supporters are urged to stay indoors; anyone who cannot affirmatively demonstrate loyalty to the president will be shot.

Chartreuse = Elevated. The president polls at under 50% for two consecutive months. A series of paid propaganda pieces will placed in the Wall Street Journal and other influential publications. Dick Cheney will appear on television; viewers with poor health conditions are urged to turn off their sets.

Eggplant = Guarded. The president climbs back above 50% for the first time since his re-election. A series of self-congratulatory Texas barbecues will be held around the country. Free “Bush Cheney 2004” and “W – The President” bumper stickers will be issued to anyone who has scraped theirs off.

Mustard = Low. It’s morning in America. George Bush’s popularity is approaching its post 9/11 levels. The president once again mentions the words “Social Security” in public and begins talking about a new round of tax cuts for the insanely wealthy. Poor people are urged to stay indoors, lest Republicans take the shirts off their backs.

Mr. McClelland did not take questions from reporters.