Taking Leave of Our (Republican) Census

The Republican Party Census Document landed in my mailbox the other day. According to the cover letter, I am “among a select group of Republicans” who’ve been chosen to take part in the official census, and my job is to “represent the views and opinions of all Republican voters living in my voting district.”

It’s an awesome responsibility – determining the fate of the GOP agenda for the next four years – and it’s quite a document. Everything you ever wanted to know about the GOP is wrapped up in a tidy two-page form. (You can find a copy online at the Freepers site).

Here’s my favorite question:

“Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?”

Or, to put it another way, Can the president bomb the shit out of anyone he damn well feels like? And the answer, of course, is “fuckin-a, Bubba.”

But still, the survey could use some improvements. Nothing major, just a few nips and tucks. So I’ve created my own, somewhat altered version. Please feel free to print it out and mail it to the Republican National Committee (310 First St., SE, Washington, DC 20003). Sorry, you'll have to buy your own stamps.

CENSUS DOCUMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

1. The ideal Republican candidate for president in 2008 would be...

__ living in a persistent vegetative state
__ close personal friends with lobbyist Jack Abramoff
__ capable of performing complex neurological diagnoses via videotape
__ able to spell “FEMA”

2. Should federal contracts worth billions of dollars be doled out on a no-bid basis to companies whose former top executives occupy positions of power in our government?

__ Yes
__ Hell Yes

3. Do you support the assassination of other country’s leaders when they say mean or hurtful things about us?

__ Yes
__ Yes, and also the French

4. To paraphrase Bill Bennett, do you believe the best way to halt the culture of corruption in Washington, DC, would be to abort every Republican baby in this country?

__ Yes, but that would be impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible
__ No, they should be brought to term and adopted by poor Democratic families
__ I believe in abstinence for Republicans before and after marriage

5. Do you believe the President of the United States should be free to smiteth our enemies and bringeth down God’s unholy wrath upon terrorists who trespath against uth?

__ Yeth
__ Yeth, and altho the French

6. Please complete the following statement. “I believe nominees for the Supreme Court should pass...

__ an abortion litmus test
__ a law school admissions test
__ the Myers-Briggs Personality Test
__ the “Is that a pubic hair on my Coke can?” test

7. Karl Rove is to President Bush as ...

__ Kissinger was to Nixon
__ Rasputin was to Czar Nicholas II
__ Geppetto was to Pinocchio
__ Timothy Q. Mouse was to Dumbo

8. Doesn’t all the world’s oil already belong to us anyway?

__ Yes
__ Not yet, but wait a few years
__ Why do you hate internal combustion?

9. From what source do you receive most of your news and political information (check all that apply):

__ Fox News
__ Fox News
__ Fox News
__ Fox News
__ Fox News
__ Fox News
__ Fox News

11. Did you vote in the presidential election in 2004?

__ Yes
__ No

12. How many times?

__ Once
__ Twice
__ Thrice
__ I lost count, but it was a lot

13. Will you join the Republican National Committee by making a contribution today?

__ YES, I will support the RNC and am enclosing a check to the Republican National Party in the amount of:

__ $10,000
__ $100,000
__ $1,000,000
__ Here’s a blank check, just take as much as you’d like

Thanks for taking our survey. Please remember that contributions from corporations and foreign nationals are prohibited, but we will happily accept kickbacks in the form of free golfing trips and/or contributions to political action committees employing members of our immediate families.

Thank you, and God Bless The Republican Party.