White House Scraps Plans for 'Tickle Me Gitmo' Doll

PR Group Promotes President's Veto of Torture Ban

Special to The WitList
15 November 2005

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following the scandals at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay and the recent discovery of secret CIA gulags in Eastern Europe, the White House has formed the Government Relations Office for Public Education, designed to drum up support for the President's policies on the torture of terror suspects.

"We don't call it torture," said a spokesperson for GROPE, who declined to give his name or remove his black hood. "We prefer to use the term 'compassionate coercion'."

As part of its efforts to promote the warm, fuzzy side of forced interrogation, GROPE planned to introduce a "Tickle Me Gitmo" doll, based on the popular Tickle Me Elmo dolls of the mid-90s.

The 12-inch-tall doll looks like a bearded, blindfolded detainee. When you hold its head underwater for more than 30 seconds, the doll quivers uncontrollably and reveals the details of Al-Qaeda's next suicide bombing attack.

However, the group scrapped plans to market the doll after focus group testing revealed children wanted to cuddle them, not extract information vital to the nation's security.

The GROPE spokesperson underscored President Bush's recent claim that "we do not torture," despite estimates by human rights groups that at least seven inmates have died from injuries inflicted while in U.S. custody. He also defended the president's right to veto the ban on torture recently passed by the U.S. Senate.

"Because we do not torture, we do not need to ban torture," said the spokesperson. "It's as simple as that."

He maintained that the White House's policy on inmate interrogation was perfectly in line with the Geneva Conventions. He later clarified that he was referring to the Geneva Conventions of 1642, which concern the making of chocolate.