Tuesday, November 08, 2005

White House Takes Ethics 'Refresher' Course

No, I'm not joking. From Sunday's LA Times:

Bush has resisted demands in recent days from Democrats and other administration critics that he revoke Rove's security clearance or fire him; he says he is deferring comment until Fitzgerald finishes his inquiry. But there were signs this weekend that the White House was sensitive to the charge: It has scheduled a series of staff refresher lectures on ethics and classified information....

White House Counsel Harriet E. Miers and her staff will conduct the lectures, which are required for staffers with a security clearance at any level, according to a memo to White House staff released Saturday to reporters traveling with Bush in Latin America. That would apply to Rove. "Your attendance at one of these sessions is mandatory," the memo says. "There will be no exceptions."

In preparation for her lectures, Miers handed out questionnaires to all White House staffers, to gauge their existing levels of ethical awareness. The WitList has obtained a copy of this document, which follows.


1. US agents have detained a foreign national on suspicion of being a terrorist, having ties to terrorism, or spending altogether too much time frequenting falafel stands. Appropriate forms of interrogation would include:

... beatings with a rubber hose by compassionate conservatives
... being trapped in an elevator with Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity
... reading them the steamy bits from Lewis Libby's novel, The Apprentice
... nude oil wrestling with Barbara Bush

2. In retaliation for criticism of your administration, you've exposed a covert CIA agent and endangered the lives of everyone associated with her. The appropriate response is to

... Declare that she wasn't all that covert anyway
... Refuse to comment until the investigation is over
... Refuse to comment until the administration is over
... Seek a pre-emptive presidential pardon

3. A friend of a friend is being considered for a high-level government position he is hopelessly unqualified to hold. You would only hire him if he....

... has secured contributions to the GOP exceeding $100,000
... Is employed by a cartel of Native American casinos
... Is spying for a foreign government
... Is good with horses

4. Your top aides and political allies are being investigated for laundering money, defrauding the government, benefiting from illegal stock deals, misusing taxpayer funds, perjury, obstruction of justice, and lying to the FBI. Your response is to

... nominate Tony Soprano to the Supreme Court
... declare war on Newfoundland
... spend a lot of time talking about the avian flu
... start moving all your money into a numbered bank account

5. In your honest opinion, President Bush is

... taller in person
... just the coolest president ever
... not as stupid as he appears--really
... doing a heckova job

(OK, now I'm joking.... but just a little.)


Anonymous Gaia sighs... said...

What hasn't been reported in the release about the ethics lessons mandated, is the White House will be presenting corollary lectures to coincide with the ones mentioned. Among them will be:

The Neoethics of Waterboarding and other Focus-intensifying Practices
Presenter: Donald Rumsfeld (Introduction by Alberto 'Quaint' Gonzalez)

A White House Primer on Ethical Treasonous Outing
Presenter: Karl Rove (Introduction by Richard 'Farouk U' Cheney)

Ethical Stimulation of Caged Bears in Child-rearing
Presenter: I. Louis Libby (Introduction by James 'God Rod" Dobson)

(And a special, very relevant treat)

Ethical Use of the Falafel the Suppression of Presidential Hemorrhoids
Presenter: Bill (Falafel Factor) O'Rielly (Introduction by Al Gore)

Update: Al Gore will be unable to attend. Substituting for him will be Harriet Meyers - who's new expertise in The "Porcupine" technique has been vouched for by the President, himself.

5:25 PM  

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