Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Dreams of NostroDanus

I’ve been so obsessed with the Plamegate investigation that it’s wreaking havoc on my sleep patterns. I’ve been having wild dreams of a prophetic nature. Here’s what the future will look like:

... After a long sabbatical finishing her book (titled “It’s Not My Fault”) former New York Times reporter Judith Miller will land her own show on the Fox News Channel. In preparation for her new role she will undergo plastic surgery and end up looking exactly like Greta van Susteren.

... While in prison Scooter Libby will complete his second book, a science fiction novel titled “When Dicks Collide,” based loosely on his work for VP Richard Cheney.

... Karl Rove will be accidentally killed by fellow prisoners fighting over who got to make him their bitch. Citizens in his hometown of Denver will erect a bronze statue of him in the city center, which will be immediately swallowed up by a sinkhole. Subsequent monuments will suffer a similar fate.

... Demonstrating his innate leadership qualities, Tom Delay will organize the inmates at his medium security prison into caucuses, who will then elect him Warden. He will later inspire a key character in a feature-length version of HBO’s prison drama, “Oz.”

... Harriet Miers will not be confirmed as a Supreme Court justice. She will leave government and take a job as chief counsel for a chain of Indian casinos.

... The Rev. James C. Dobson will announce that after long and careful consideration he’s decided to become gay. He will then move in with former White House call boy Jeff Gannon. However, he will still urge his followers to hate homosexuals, himself included.

... Dick Cheney will retire early to his Wyoming hideaway, where he will clone a miniature version of himself and complete work on a device that can channel the sun’s energy into a superweapon capable of destroying entire cities.

... Bereft of counsel and all alone, George W. Bush will experience a personal awakening. He will apologize to the American people for his many mistakes, vow to pass laws that benefit more than just a select few, pledge to save the environment, roll back trillions in tax cuts for his rich pals, and secure a just and lasting peace in Iraq. He will enter history as one of the nation’s most revered presidents.

OK, I’m kidding about the last one. But the rest will all come true. And remember, you read it here first.


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