The GOP’s Top 10 Talking Points in the Plame Affair

Editor’s Note: As the White House braces for likely indictments in the Valerie Plame affair, Republicans have begun circulating talking points to be used in response to potential charges. The WitList has obtained a copy of these talking points from an anonymous Capitol Hill staffer, who found them stuck to the shoe of Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL). For reasons of clarity, we’ve corrected errors found in the original document*. Here are the top 10 things Republicans will be saying this week.

Plame Affair Talking Points

10. Perjury, obstruction of justice, and conspiracy are all just legal technicalities. Felonies, yes, but only in a purely technical sense.

9. Americans don’t care about what happens inside the Beltway. The president has a solid base of support from residents of trailer parks and mental institutions, and that’s not going away any time soon.

8. Jesus never indicted anyone. We should all be more like Jesus.

7. It’s prejudice, pure and simple. More than ¾ of Plame grand jury members are African American, and everyone knows black jurors don’t care about Bush people.

6. This is just politics as usual. Ruthlessness, corruption, and a Machiavellian sense of entitlement are usual GOP tactics. How else could we all become so filthy rich?

5. No semen, no cigar, no story.

4. Patrick Fitzgerald is out of control and doing grave damage to the country. America deserves a special prosecutor who’s a uniter, not an indicter.

3. If Cheney gets indicted Bush plans to replace him with former FEMA director Michael Brown. Do you want that on your conscience?

2. We lied our way into a war that’s cost us thousands of lives, $300 billion+, and the respect of the civilized world, and this is the worst Fitzgerald can come up with? Sweet!

And the GOP’s number one talking point in the Plame affair is...

1. Have we invaded Syria yet?

* In the original document the name of former CIA agent Plame is spelled variously as Flame, Blame, or Shame. Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is referred to erroneously as Edmund Fitzgerald (see Gordon Lightfoot, The Wreck of).