Alito Goes a Long Way

Now that the Senate has confirmed Judge Samuel A. Alito to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's spot on the bench, the Bush Administration is secretly planning sweeping changes to take advantage of the new balance of power on the court.

Along with justices Thomas and Scalia, Alito is an "originalist" who believes the founding fathers did not intend the Constitution to be altered or modified in any way. As a result, all amendments beyond the original 10 in the Bill of Rights are now considered moot.

The Bush administration has announced the following changes in law:

• Starting with the elections in November 2006, only white male landowners will be allowed to vote.
  
  
• The historically maligned institution of slavery will be revived. Detailed genealogical searches are already underway to enable the offspring of slaves to be returned to their rightful owners.
  
  
• Men will be required to wear powdered wigs and knee-high breeches in public gatherings, and will be encouraged to beat their wives with impunity.
  
  
• The minimum wage will be reduced to 15 cents per hour, and child labor laws will no longer be in effect. However, the Bush administration will issue a recommendation that children achieve a minimum age of 4 years before being sent to work in coal mines.
  
  
• Funds for building roads, bridges, and other public works shall be halted, and whatever environmental laws still remaining on the books are now declared null and void. Republicans plan to celebrate by dumping a vat of nuclear waste into New York's East River.
  
  
• Finally, all individuals identified as Liberals will be required to sew the letter L into their garments, which must be worn at all times. Anyone refusing such orders may be a) thrown into the stockades, or b) burned at the stake.