The Bush Dream Team

As our Fearless Leader shuffles his cabinet, weeding out the face cards and dealing out jokers, it’s an appropriate time to look at the kind of team GWB would truly want to assemble, if the laws of time and space were suspended. Here they are, in no particular order:

Department of Justice: Torquemada. No one expected the Spanish Inquisition, and nobody knew how to wring confessions out of detainees like the T-man. Still, Gonzales is not a bad second choice.

Department of Education: Dan Quayle. Because America's kids need to think more creatively when it comes to spelling. And isn’t it about time Latin America learned to speak Latin? I bet he’s even read My Pet Goat.

Department of Energy: Saudi Prince Bandar bin Sultan. Why mess with the middle man? Let’s go directly to the source.

Secretary of the Treasury: Charles Ponzi. Developer of the scam that bears his name, Ponzi excelled at taking money from the bottom of the pyramid and bringing it to the top – the perfect choice to reform our tax system.

Department of Homeland Security: J. Edgar Hoover. Now there’s a man who knew how to color coordinate. Forget red, yellow, and orange alerts – think ruby, fuschia, and vermillion. No one’s ever been able to fill the original G-man’s pumps.

Secretary of State: Oprah. She’s rich, she’s highly influential, and she’s giving away cars! True, Oprah has never completely ignored the warning signs that lead to the most devastating attack in our nation’s history, but give her time.

Department of Defense: Donald Rumsfield—there is no better choice. (Remember: You go to war with the Defense secretary you have, not the one you wish you had.) Rummy doesn’t need to bolt on scrap metal to protect himself; he’s got the Washington press corps for that.