Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned

In a surprising turn of events, it seems I am in the running for a Federal judgeship. I’m still not sure how it happened, but apparently the Bush administration has finally scraped the bottom of the cracker barrel. Every remaining backwoods yokel, closet segregationist, fossil fuels lobbyist, and right-wing troglodyte is too busy hosting a radio talk show.

So that leaves me. I’m not really worried about the confirmation hearings. I know I’ve got Dick “Nuclear Option” Cheney watching my back. It’s the blogs I’m worried about. Though I’ve lead a relatively clean life with few indiscretions, facing the blogosphere is like jumping into a swimming pool full of piranhas with pork chops in your pockets.

The only thing to do is launch a pre-emptive strike and admit my sins before I’m pilloried by the pajamadeen. So here they are:

  • I have stockpiled enough prescriptions for OxyContin to supply a small chain of pharmacies. I know 12,000 scrips over four months sounds like a lot, but if you had my back problems you’d understand.

  • I have required female employees to demonstrate their ability to handle a loofah in extremely slippery conditions. How can you expect someone to achieve excellence if they can’t properly exfoliate?

  • I lost $8 million playing blackjack while writing best-selling books about moral virtues. Like the virtue of doubling down when the dealer’s showing a deuce and you’ve got paint in the pocket. Someone’s got to teach these values to our kids.

  • I divorced my wife while she lay in a hospital being treated for cancer, then dumped my second wife after she’d been diagnosed with MS. Both times I immediately took up with a much younger woman whom I’d been banging on the side. Well, OK, I didn’t actually do this. But it sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

  • I lied to get my country into a war that has cost thousands of lives and will likely never end; allowed my good friends and former business partners to make billions in war profits; and instructed my minions to lock up, detain, and torture innocent people in the name of freedom. Is this a great country, or what?

But I am happy to say that this is all behind me now. I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior. I am born again. And I shall be honored to sit in judgment upon my fellow man. Thank God for Family Values!


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