Friday, February 18, 2005

This Just In...

Talon News Hires New White House Correspondent

Associated Press
18 February 2005

Washington, DC -- After an exhaustive nationwide-search, Talon News announced that it has found a replacement for disgraced former White House Bureau Chief Jeff Gannon.

In a news conference held just outside the West Wing press room, Dr. Robert R. Eberle, editor in chief of Talon News, introduced his site's newest reporter: SpongeBob SquarePants.

"He's yellow, absorbent, and lives in a pineapple under the sea," said Eberle. "He's everything we could hope for in a White House correspondent."

Mr. Pants, who described himself as 8" square (cut), said he saw no difficulty making the transition from cartoon character to political reporter. "Cooking up yummy crabby patties or cooking up yummy questions for the White House--what's the diff?" he shrugged.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan welcomed SpongeBob to the press corps, saying he was glad to have a reporter who would soak in information and release it to the public unchanged.

Eberle said Talon was anxious to find a candidate with an unblemished past. Though admitting to having engaged in nautical nonsense, Mr. Pants denied allegations he was connected to the Web site, He declined to answer questions regarding his personal life, though he was later seen leaving the White House with close personal friend, Patrick Starfish.

Eberle added the news site continues to "stand 100 percent behind Jeff Gannon, we're just standing a little further away," he explained. "We don't want to give anyone the wrong idea."

Mr. Pants said he'd hadn't decided what fake name he would use when questioning White House officials. "I was thinking 'Dan Rather' has a nice ring to it," he said.


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