Granny is a Commie

It seems that the American Association of Retired Persons are nothing more than a bunch of flaming liberal freethinkers who want to take away our guns and promote a pro-gay agenda. Who knew?

That's the yarn being spun by USA Next, an ersatz “grass roots” conservative organization started by a direct-mail millionaire and run by the same cast of wacky characters who brought us Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

The AARP has had the audacity to oppose Bush’s plan to dismantle Social Security. So the Swifties—er, USA Next--exhumed 93-year old Art Linkletter and made him national chairman, then planted him on Fox News to give them 70- and 80-year-old whipper snappers a right ass-whuppin’.

Still, the liberal/codger theory would explain a lot. The seniors in my neck of the woods are always dropping Ex (Lax) and going to all-night raves (right after their naps). During the early bird special at the local buffet they invariably order the fish plate. Effin’ vegetarians. Kerry voters for sure.

The most amazing thing about all of this is that Art Linkletter isn’t dead yet. If anyone has earned the right to be dead, it’s Art Linkletter. On the other hand, he clearly looks dead. Perhaps the Swifties dug him up and pumped him full of viagra to keep him, umm, upright. (‘Ya know, corpses say the darnedest things.’)

Me, I believe it’s a deliberate distraction. A red flag to keep your mind off the gay hooker in the White House press room, W’s private revelations of ‘youthful indiscretion’ (that’s Republican for ‘snorting coke til your eyeballs bleed’), the ongoing rape of the environment and, oh yeah, all those body bags coming home from Iraq.