White House Creates New Agency

March 18, 2005

Associated Press

WASHINGTON: In what it dubbed as a cost-cutting move, designed to keep our economy moving forward while winning the war on terrorism, the White House has announced plans to dismantle the Department of Education and replace with it a new, more streamlined organization. The reorganized agency will come under the authority of the Department of Homeland Security and be known under a new name, the Ministry of Propaganda.

President Bush has nominated leggy right-wing columnist Ann Coulter to head up the new agency.

Officials from the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office immediately condemned the move. “This is a flagrant violation of Federal statutes prohibiting the dissemination of propaganda,” said David Walker, GAO comptroller.

Following Walker’s remarks, the U.S. Department of Justice issued a statement describing the GAO as a “quaint institution created by liberals out of touch with the mainstream,” and declaring that it had “outlived its usefulness.” If contacted by the GAO, Federal employees have been instructed to “tell them to kiss our lily-white asses.”

Later the same day Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice’s office issued a clarification, declaring that GAO officials were also entitled to kiss her coffee-with-a-dollop-of-cream ass.

To address public concerns over the new agency, the White House also announced the creation of an Office of Citizen Complaints. President Bush has appointed Florida citizen Terri Schiavo to be its first director. Administration officials stated that Ms. Schiavo would continue to serve in this capacity regardless of whether her feeding tube has been removed.