Pope John Paul II is Dead at 84

House Speaker Tom Delay vows revenge against those responsible

Sunday, April 3, 2005 Posted: 11:03 AM EST (1603 GMT)

ATLANTA (CNN): Pope John Paul II died on Saturday, April 2, after a lingering illness. The 84-year-old Pontiff had been on a feeding tube for several days prior to succumbing to heart and kidney failure.

In a taped statement, House Speaker Tom Delay (R-TX) vowed to “find and punish the persons responsible” for the Supreme Pontiff’s death.

A preliminary investigation into the Catholic leader’s death has determined the party responsible for the Pope’s demise was God.

“This arrogant, out-of-control Deity makes millions of life or death decisions every day with virtually no accountability,” Delay said. “If the Creator of all things believes He can thumb His Nose at Congress, the President, and millions of Americans, He is sadly mistaken.”

Delay has ordered the Department of Homeland Security to turn over all of God’s travel and immigration records. He plans to provide the information to the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force, so they can use it to ascertain the Supreme Being’s current location.

Delay delivered his statement via a videotape found behind a potted plant at CNN’s corporate headquarters in Atlanta. Delay is currently under investigation by a Texas grand jury and several Congressional committees for alleged ethics violations. He is believed to be hiding out in the Devil’s Sinkhole cave outside San Antonio.

Delay warned others to not stand in the way of his mission to apprehend the Supreme Being and bring Him to justice.

“We will do everything in our power to preserve the sanctity of human life,” Delay said. “If that means killing some people in the process, well so be it.”