Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Frist Announces New Educational Initiative


WASHINGTON – In a press conference held earlier today, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) announced a new “re-education” program aimed at Democratic senators. He said the Bush Administration had reached an agreement with Russian President Vladimir Putin to restore an old facility in Kolyma, formerly the long-time home of artist-in-residence Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, for that purpose.

The new center will be named the Republican Educational Institute for Constitutional Hegemony (REICH). Frist says the administration plans to open two more centers in Leavenworth, Kansas, and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The first senators nominated for the prestigious program include Barbara Boxer (D-CA), Russell Feingold (D-WI), and Robert Byrd (D-WV). A new selection of Democrats will rotate in at six-month intervals, unless it is determined that further reeducation is necessary.

“These senators chair no committees, pass no legislation—they can’t even offer amendments we don’t approve of,” said an aide to Senator Frist. “We felt this would be putting their time, and taxpayer’s money, to better use.”

With solid majorities in both houses and the so-called “nuclear option” at his disposal, Frist expressed confidence Congress could ensure unfettered passage of any legislation or nominees the Republicans desired.

Later this week, Frist promised to introduce a measure that would allow passage of Senate bills solely by voice acclamation, followed shortly thereafter by a resolution that banned voting entirely. “Voting really slows down our agenda,” he explained. “Do you know how long it takes to count to 100?”

He also added that, starting immediately, Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) will be required to wear a dress at all times while in Senate chambers. And all Democratic members who wish to speak on the Senate floor must first curtsey and ask ‘Mother may I?’


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