Bush Resigns, Admits to Stealing Election

Associated Press

April 1, 2005

WASHINGTON -- In a stunning turn of events, President George W. Bush has resigned the office of President, effectively immediately. He is only the second president to leave office voluntarily, and the first to resign since Richard Nixon vacated the post on August 8, 1974.

His resignation comes amidst revelations that the Republicans actually lost the November election by more than 5 million votes.

“Yep, we stole it,” the President remarked. “Both times. Frankly, we’re kind of amazed it took you this long to find out.”

Before he resigned, President Bush issued a series of sweeping executive orders that nullified the Patriot Act, restored the protected status of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and affirmed support for the Kyoto treaty on global warming.

In a brief farewell address, Bush informed the richest 1 percent of America that the country was in debt up to its eyeballs and they’d have to pay back all those tax cuts. He apologized for lying about weapons of mass destruction, making America the laughingstock of the industrialized world, and allowing a small cadre of fundamentalist bigots to set policy for the entire country.

“You know, I’m not even that religious,” the former president said, smoking a Pall Mall and tipping back a high ball. “Oooh doggie, it feels good to be a civilian again.”

Vice President Dick Cheney did not attend the press conference. He was last seen heading for the Badlands of western Wyoming, where he is believed to be holed up with a small group of former Enron employees and a large cache of ammunition.

In a brief ceremony on the White House lawn, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry was sworn in as chief executive. He pledged to drone on in a relentless monotone until people got sick of listening to him.