US to Adopt New Iraqi Constitution

by Rob Coddry
Associated Press

WASHINGTON, DC -- Hailing Iraq’s newly drafted constitution as a “document of which the Iraqis and the rest of the world can be proud,” President George W. Bush has announced his intention of replacing the United States Constitution with one modeled on the Iraqi document, effectively immediately.

“When it comes to fundamentalist theocracies, we think the Iraqis got it just right,” said White House spokes-imam Scott McClelland. Modifying the Iraqi draft was “super easy,” he added. “We just opened it in a word processor and did a search and replace —“Christianity” for “Islam,” “Bible” for “Koran,” “God’s will” for “Sharia” -- it took maybe five minutes.”

McClelland acknowledged that under the new constitution women would enjoy fewer rights, but said this would be offset by rapid declines in the divorce rate and the number of teen pregnancies.

He added that Condoleezza Rice could continue in her position as Secretary of State, provided she keeps her head covered at all times and agrees to regular beatings by her male relatives.

McClelland said Mr. Bush will retain the title of President, while Vice President Dick Cheney will assume the role of Grand Ayatollah. Cheney immediately issued a fatwa calling for the death of anyone who opposes the new regime.

Non-Christians, who would continue to have “full religious rights” under the constitution but no political rights, warned that the new laws would result in a long and bloody civil war.

But Ayatollah Pat Robertson said such a conflict could have a cleansing effect on the nation. “Finally we will have the opportunity to strike down the infidels and flay them like dogs,” he said.