Republicans Seek Shelter From the Storm

Associated Press

September 7, 2005 – 21:10 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- As camera crews document the carnage left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Republican leaders were seen on the rooftops of the Rayburn and Dirksen buildings on Capitol Hill, signaling to passing aircraft and pleading to be rescued from the Bush Administration’s floundering agenda.

“The political floodwaters are rising,” cried out one grey-haired Senator to reporters inside a Fox News helicopter. “Can’t someone please help us?”

President Bush’s already record-low popularity dipped even further in light of the federal government’s slow response to Hurricane Katrina. The president’s poll numbers are now lower than those for Attila the Hun and Ivan the Terrible at similar points in their second terms.

The Congressional refugees said they were seeking emergency funds from the Republican National Committee to rebuild their reputations prior to the 2006 mid-term elections.

Senate majority leader Bill Frist had already been airlifted out of Washington and was unavailable for comment. He was reported to be resting uncomfortably in an undisclosed location.

Several conservative members of Congress were seen looting the Democrat’s storehouse of political rhetoric, which is kept locked in the basement of the Hart building on Constitution Avenue.

“We’re not looting, we’re ‘seeking viable alternatives’,” claimed one representative who asked to remain anonymous. “Rich white people don’t loot.”

Meanwhile, the Bush administration has sent out a call for someone willing to take the blame for its 96-hour delay in responding to the crisis, cutting funds for flood control in New Orleans by 60 percent, and having one-third of Louisiana’s National Guard stationed in Iraq at the time of the disaster.

Former CIA director George Tenet offered to take responsibility for the failures, on the condition he be given a second Medal of Freedom. White House press secretary Scott McClellan said the President appreciated the offer but preferred to find a more obscure scapegoat.

“The president is determined to have these issues investigated as thoroughly as the intelligence failures leading to the 9/11 attacks and the missing WMDs,” said McClellan. “Rest assured we’ll find someone else to blame.”