New Strain of Avian Flu Hits DC

Leads to irrational behavior, personal attacks; quarantine urged

Special to The WitList
19 November 2005

ATLANTA -- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have identified a new and virulent strain of the avian flu in our nation's capital. The flu, which is believed to have originated among a large flock of chickenhawks inside the Beltway, has begun to spread to other areas of the country.

Unlike the more common varieties of avian flu, which affect the respiratory system, this strain ravages the brains -- in particular the speech and vision centers -- of those who have been exposed to it.

"This substrain is characterized by a pronounced inability to say anything that is actually true," says Dr. Ira Neesded, lead researcher for the CDC study. Victims become disordered and irrational, attacking anything in direct opposition to them.

For example, flu victims who have exerted enormous effort to avoid military service would automatically attack those who have served their country with distinction, says Neesded. Victims who have exchanged political favors in return for free trips and other kickbacks from lobbyists would likely demand ethics investigations of others for allegedly doing the same.

The flu also calcifies the lower spine, making it more rigid.

"When these people boast of having a strong backbone, they aren't just talking," says Neesded. "But everything above the second cervical vertebrae just turns to mush."

The airborne virus -- known to researchers as Avian Influenza R (BSH43) but more informally as Neoconfluenza -- is presumed to spread via certain talk radio and 24-hour cable news networks. Though there is no known cure, doctors say individuals can inoculate themselves with the facts about the Bush administration and the origins of the Iraq war.

As for those who are already infected, the CDC recommends they be quarantined to private institutions in their home states, where they will no longer be a danger to themselves and others.