Monday, November 21, 2005

Survey Shows Strong Support for Bush Policies in Iraq

WASHINGTON, DC -- Democracy in Iraq is working and President Bush's support is strong. These are the results of a recent survey conducted by The Bowtie Institute (BTI), a conservative think tank based in Washington, DC.

The poll was conducted in October among Iraqi citizens in and around Baghdad's Green Zone. Results have a margin of error of plus or minus 50%, as some respondents took the poll several times.

"Unlike what you read in the liberal press, the President is quite popular -- especially among people who have no idea what he's saying," says Senior BTI Fellow T. Phineas Gage.

For example, an impressive 82 percent of Iraqis agree with the President's recent assessment that "progress in Iraq has been amazing," though Gage points out the Iraqi word for "amazing" is phonetically similar to another Arabic phrase meaning "camel dung."

Among the survey's other findings:

  • More than 56% of Iraqis believe the President should stay the course. However, 87% of those polled believed the question referred to a golf course -- specifically, the Infidel Palms Country Club just outside Baghdad. Apparently the president has been invited to play the 3,497-hole course several times but has so far declined.

  • Nearly 50% prefer the chemical weapons employed by American forces to those used by former dictator Saddam Hussein. Apparently the white phosphorus bombs used by Marines in the battle for Falluja left behind a fruity aroma with a refreshing hint of mint.

  • Given the choice, a plurality of Iraqis say they would rather be held in secret underground prisons and tortured by the ruling Shiite majority than by Hussein's secret police. (Note: Exact numbers are unavailable for this question; many of those who said they'd rather not be tortured by either side disappeared shortly after agreeing to take the survey.)

In the survey's most important finding, Iraqis do not support impeachment proceedings against President Bush by a margin of nearly two to one -- even if he knowingly lied about Saddam Hussein's nonexistent ties to Al Qaeda and fictional weapons of mass destruction.

Gage says Iraqis gave three main reasons why they opposed impeachment:

7% believe Americans live in a constitutional monarchy, where the president must die and be succeeded by his first-born son.

14% say there is no conclusive evidence that anyone in the West Wing has ever received a blowjob, the only proven criteria for impeachment

79% believe the phrase "President Dick Cheney" is too fucking scary for words

"I think the president's next move is clear," says Gage. "He should run for prime minister of Iraq. He'd win it in a walk."

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About The Bowtie Institute:

At The Bowtie Institute we believe deeply in a return to America's fundamental values. Ours is a country founded by rich white males, and that's how they intended it to stay. We started it, we own it, we can do what we want with it.

The Bowtie Institute: Providing the clothing for naked self-interest since 2004


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