Friday, October 14, 2005

Rove Testifies Before Grand Jury

White House Aide Gets Boost from Talk Show Host

15 October 2005

WASHINGTON, DC -- White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove testified for more than four hours on Friday about his involvement in the Valerie Plame case. It was Mr. Rove’s fourth appearance before the grand jury, which is weighing a possible indictment against Rove and other White House officials for revealing the name of the formerly covert CIA agent to reporters in July 2003.

Afterward Rove refused to talk with reporters, leaving the courthouse in a town car with the Reverend James Dobson and former White House fluffer Jeff Gannon.

Eyewitnesses say Mr. Rove appeared calm but somewhat disoriented. A spectator standing outside the courtroom claims to have seen Rove emerging from a stretch limo with conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. He was later overheard telling an aide, “Rush gave me a little something before I went on the stand, said it would relax me.”

Attorneys familiar with the testimony said that as Rove took the stand he blurted out, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman!” When the clearly puzzled special prosecutor asked “what woman?” Rove volunteered that he’s never had sex with any woman, but he might be willing to do Judy Miller.

According to witnesses, the top aide repeatedly denied being part of a conspiracy to discredit former ambassador Joseph Wilson, who had published an opinion piece charging the administration of falsifying evidence to justify the invasion of Iraq. Rove explained that when he spoke to reporters of “Wilson,” he was actually referring to the volleyball named “Wilson in the Tom Hanks movie “Castaway.”

When asked whether he actually named Plame, also known as Valerie Wilson, Rove instead went on at great length about the origins of his nickname, Turdblossom, causing several members of the grand jury to request an immediate recess.

Rove also denied the commonly made accusation that he is “Bush’s brain,” but admitted to being in possession of the President’s left testicle, which he carries in a Scooby-Doo thermos inside his briefcase.

“He gave it to me after the governor's race in 1994,” Rove is said to have said. “I will treasure it always.”

Rove’s attorney, Robert Luskin, expressed confidence the grand jury will exonerate his client. However, he has advised Mr. Rove to carry a false passport, a fake beard, and $100,000 in cash, just in case.


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