NSA Runs Out of Americans to Spy on

Agency begins search for more surveillance subjects

Special to The WitList
9 February 2006 - 15:25 GMT

FORT MEADE, MD -- The National Security Agency has admitted that its domestic spying activities have reached an impasse.

The super secret agency has been embroiled in controversy since December, when the New York Times revealed it had been eavesdropping on an unknown number of American citizens without a warrant. The spying program was created in response to a secret order issued by President Bush following the 9/11 attacks.

However, sources inside the NSA say its domestic spying activities have trickled down to practically nothing as it has run out of people to wiretap.

The agency exhausted its list of actual terrorists in early 2002, say the sources. At that point it began surveilling Americans who were friends with terrorists, then those who were merely casual acquaintances, and then finally those who ate at the same restaurants, shopped at the same stores, or belonged to the same gym. More recently, the agency had begun spying on Americans who could correctly spell the word "Jihad."

"We've got billions earmarked for domestic spying and nobody to spend it on," said an NSA spooksperson, who spoke on the condition that he could tell us his name, but then he'd have to kill us.

"It's just so boring listening to the same conversations about what people ate for dinner last night or why they broke up with their boyfriends," he added. "The agency has lost a lot of good men over this."

During the past month the NSA has been placing personals ads in newspapers seeking surveillance subjects. The WitList has obtained a copy of one such ad, which appears to be modeled after "The Pina Colada Song":

If you like pita felafel
And putting bombs onto planes
If you watch Al Jazeera
Or you've been to Bahrain
If your head's always covered
In the heat of the sun
Please respond to this message
And we'll know you're the one

The NSA spooksperson says it's too early to gauge how well the ads are working, but the agency remains hopeful.

"We know they're out there somewhere," he said. "Someday our princes will come."