Friday, February 03, 2006

White House Creates New Federal Agency

Special to CNN
3 February 2006 -- 18:57 GMT

WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House announced the creation of a new federal agency today to deal exclusively with the high volume of controversy engulfing the Bush Administration.

Beginning immediately, the new Office of Scandal Management (OSM) will handle all inquiries regarding Jack Abramoff, the aftermath of Katrina, domestic spying, forged documents, missing emails, PlameGate, the prescription drug debacle, money laundering, insider trading, influence peddling, bribery, corruption, and the sexual proclivities of the Bush twins.

"We just can't keep our cover stories straight anymore," admits a senior White House official who spoke on condition of anonymity. " 'Nobody knew about it,' 'everybody else did it,' 'we had Congressional authority to do it,' 'we don't need Congressional authority to do it'... Unless we do something drastic, we're in danger of releasing real information to the public or -- God help us -- actually cooperating with a Senate investigation. "

The OSM will be temporarily housed in the Ronald Reagan Building until new offices can be constructed in Lafayette Park, directly across the street from the White House. The new building will be surrounded by a stonewall 12 feet high, and will feature a briefing room constructed on a platform of ball bearings, enabling it to spin 360 degrees.

The OSM will also oversee the creation of a new group designed to react quickly to stories criticizing the Bush Administration. The Strategic Media Emergency Action Response team, or SMEAR, will respond by questioning the critic's patriotism, parentage, or personal sanity. The group plans to devote an entire wing of the new building to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The OSM has been actively searching for a director for several months, but has yet to identify a suitable candidate, says the official.

"We can't afford to just hand this job off to one of the usual suspects," he says. "This time we're looking for somebody competent."


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