White House Press Secretary Resigns

Latest victim in Bush Administration purge

Special to The WitList
19 April 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClellan resigned today, the latest casualty in a staff shakeup by new White House chief of staff Michael Bolton.

McClellan gave no reason for his resignation, though he was heard muttering that he'd rather eat Katie Holmes' placenta than answer another question from Helen Thomas.

A highlight of McClellan's career came in March of this year, when he held his 187th consecutive press conference without directly answering a single question, breaking the record held by former Nixon press secretary Ron Ziegler for more than 30 years.

During that streak McClellan managed to duck questions about the White House's response to Hurricane Katrina, its ties to convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, the indictment of senior advisor Lewis "Scooter" Libby on charges of perjury and obstruction, the proposed sale of US Ports to Dubai, the NSA's illegal wiretapping program, the leaks of classified reports by top administration officials, and whether McClellan himself had been secretly replaced by a sock puppet named Marvin.

When the president learned of Mr. McClellan's resignation, he is reported to have said, "That's too bad...I liked him better than the bald Jew," an apparent reference to McClellan's predecessor, Ari Fleischer. Bush had bestowed on McClellan the nickname "freeballer," after his habit of standing behind the briefing room podium wearing a coat and tie but no pants.

Reflecting the White House's newly aggressive stance toward the media, Bolton announced that McClellan would be replaced by Triumph the Insult Dog, effectively immediately.

When asked about his future plans, McClellan said, "As you know, I cannot comment on any ongoing investigations. Sorry, I just wanted to say that one last time."