Thursday, March 16, 2006

Draft of Bush Speech on 3rd Anniversary of Iraq War

For reasons that defy easy explanation, I received an early draft of a speech scheduled to be given tonight by President Bush. I cannot vouch for its authenticity, so I publish it here without editorial comment. -- The WitList

My Fellow Americans.

This week we will mark the third anniversary of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Since that day more than 2500 American soldiers and 30,000 Iraqis have given their lives to remove a toothless dictator who posed no threat to us. I think that's something we can all be proud of.

Today also marks the first meeting of the newly elected Iraqi Parliament. Though small arms fire was exchanged between the Sunni and Shiite representatives, no rocket launchers were used. I view that as a sign of progress.

Since the despicable attacks of September 11, 2001, I have devoted my presidency to stopping terror at our nation's shores. And since that day we have seen not a single attack inside the US. True, Al Qaeda has continued to kill civilians in Madrid, London, Indonesia, and elsewhere, but none of those people voted for me.

In addition, radioactive mutant lizards have not rampaged through our nation's cities. I take full credit for that as well.

Yet my opponents would have you believe that I am the enemy. They would have Americans believe that -- just because I broke a few laws about spying and torture and detentions, defied Congress and defiled the Constitution -- that your commander in chief is the enemy.

Well I am not the enemy. Senator Russell Feingold is the enemy. Michael Moore and George Clooney, they're the enemy. (And all you blog people out there, you Huffington Posties, don't think for a minute that we don't have all your names and addresses.)

Many Americans think things are not going well in Iraq. They are tired of the war. They believe our presence there only makes things worse, that we have created a breeding ground for terrorists who will haunt us for generations to come.

Well I am here to say that I hear your concerns. I value your input. And I'm prepared to do something about it. Since you don't like the old war, we're going to give you a new one, with a new enemy.

Iran. It's like Iraq, only with an 'n' on the end. Condi taught me that. Like in Iraq, they wear bathrobes in public and have unpronounceable names. They don't like Jesus. And they've got oil coming out of their ears.

(Though I have spoken of ending our addiction to foreign oil, a few barrels of crude sounds really good right now. I mean, really really good.)

But this time there's one big difference: they actually do have weapons of mass destruction. Nuculear weapons. Dick told me. He looked very serious when he said it. So war is our only option.

The war on terror has demanded huge sacrifices of many Americans (though none I happen to know personally). Operation Iraqi Freedom has cost $250 billion -- money that could have gone into tax cuts for the extremely wealthy -- and there's no end in sight. But tonight I am going to ask my fellow Americans to sacrifice a little more.

The truth is, we've run out of soldiers. Our professional armed forces are exhausted, and our few remaining National Guard troops have gone into hiding (I know a little something about that). So I'm asking for volunteers.

We'll take anyone between the ages of 16 and 60, stone cold killers or just plain crazy. We're not picky.

If you love your country and hate terrorists, if you believe in the power of democracy, if you're willing to swallow anything that drops from my lips and, especially, if you voted for Kerry in the last election, please sign up. Your country needs you.

Otherwise, you might wake up one day to find a mushroom cloud on your front lawn instead of mushrooms.

Thank you, and may God bless America.


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