Bush Names New Chief of Staff

Singer Michael Bolton to join presidental team

Special to The Witlist
28 March 2006

WASHINGTON, DC -- In the first staff shakeup since ascending to the Office of President more than five years ago, President Bush has named a new chief of staff.

At a press conference earlier today, the president announced that pop star Michael Bolton will head up day-to-day management of the executive branch, effectively immediately.

The president praised Bolton's "soulful yet not excessively sexy" singing, saying he'd make a fine addition to the team. The curly-haired pop singer, recently engaged to "Desperate Housewives" star Nicollette Sheridan, crooned "President Bush is a wonderful thiiiiiing" but declined further comment.

Bolton succeeds Andrew Card, who had served as chief of staff since January 2001. Mr. Card did not speak with reporters but did offer a hand gesture popularly known as 'the Scalia Salute.'

To the public, Card may be best known as the aide who walked calmly into a Florida classroom on the morning of September 11, 2001, and unsuccessfully tried to pry the book "My Pet Goat" out of the president's hands.

Card also served under the president's father, George Herbert Walker Bush. When the elder Bush became violently ill at a banquet honoring the Japanese Prime Minister, Card ran in the opposite direction, shouting "Somebody bring me a towel, I've got presidential hurl butter all over my suit!"

President Bush praised Card, saying he did not blame him for the series of disastrous policy decisions that has led to the president's rock-bottom popularity ratings. However, Mr. Bush did note that "under Mr. Bolten's steady leadership we're unlikely to re-invade Iraq or sit idly by while Hurricane Katrina destroys a great American city."

Mr. Card is one of the rare Bush appointees to leave the White House without being immediately arrested.

Update: An earlier version of this story confused Michael Bolton with another Bush appointee, Mr. John Bolton. The latter Mr. Bolton continues to serve as US Ambassador to the UN. However, he plans to take a brief leave of absence later this year to star as Ned Flanders in the upcoming live action film "The Simpsons." The Witlist regrets the error.