Supporters Hold Candlelight Prayer Vigil for Tom DeLay

Vow to employ 'heroic measures' to resuscitate political powerbroker

Special to The WitList
5 April 2006

SUGARLAND, TX -- They arrived in groups of 3 or 4, singing hymns and carrying candles, determined to revive the political career of Tom DeLay. Though the former House Speaker's political future remains in a persistent vegetative state, dozens of supporters gathered outside Mr. DeLay's congressional office to pray that his career be brought back to life.

After his feeding tube of lobbyist swag was removed last year, the man affectionately known as "The Hammer" struggled valiantly to hang on to power, despite indictments for money laundering and guilty pleas by several of his former top aides. Last night, however, Mr. DeLay announced he would no longer seek reelection to a Congressional seat once thought to be his for all eternity.

However, supporters have vowed to have DeLay's K Street pipeline reinserted by force, if necessary.

After watching a videotape of DeLay's announcement, Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist questioned whether the Congressman's career was truly in a deathlike coma. "He certainly seemed to respond to visual stimuli," said Frist, a likely contender for his party's presidential nomination in 2008.

Late last night President Bush returned early from a 16-week vacation at his Texas ranch to sign an executive order declaring Mr. DeLay a West Indian Manatee, making him eligible for protection under the Endangered Species Act of 1973.

The President expressed confidence that Congressman DeLay will be found innocent of whatever wrongdoing he is charged with, "along with that Jack fella, you know, the Jew."

Supporters blamed activist judges and the liberal media for Mr. DeLay's alleged demise, and vowed to continue their vigil until he rises again.

"We won't stop singing until The Hammer is swinging," said one vigilgoer, wearing a 'Remember Tom DeLay' T-shirt.