We're Only (Partly) Human, After All
Researchers discover link between bacteria, GOP
Special to The WitList
3 June 2006
WASHINGTON, DC -- The Institute for Genomic Research in Rockville, Maryland, has discovered that humans may be less human than previously thought. By examining the DNA found in samples of feces donated by a handful of adults, researchers discovered that up to 90% of our bodies may consist of bacteria.
The findings could have broad political implications. After the report was issued, House GOP leaders warned of illegal bacteria crossing our southern borders and taking jobs from hard-working American bacteria. Speaker Dennis Hastert asked if a bacterium should get the right to vote -- or, if it resides in Florida or Ohio, the right to vote Republican. Others noted that if bacteria were found to contribute to global warming they could be eligible for federal subsidies.
To gauge whether our government is being run by largely bacterial life forms, The WitList secretly obtained samples of genetic material from leading conservative figures. (We won't reveal the details of how we obtained the samples, but rest assured we were severely grossed out.)
Donald Rumsfeld's sample was found to contain just 8% human DNA and 92% slime mold. Leaders of the slime mold community immediately called upon the defense secretary to resign.
Conservative commentator Ann Coulter's sample was split almost evenly, 46% human and 54% reptile. After hearing the report, Coulter immediately blamed her reptilian DNA for causing her to falsify her voting registration records and vote in the wrong precinct, a felony in Florida.
"I clearly cannot be held accountable for the actions of my lizard cells," said Coulter, while dining on a bowl of live crickets. She added that this finding finally solves the mystery of why her complexion always changes color to match her clothing.
Senior White House advisor Karl Rove's DNA was composed of 61% human, 26% pit bull, and 13% Pillsbury Poppin' Fresh Dough. Rove has since garnered a new Oval Office nickname, "Turd Biscuit."
Dick Cheney's sample was found to contain no human DNA at all. However, before researchers could determine the composition of the vice president's genes, his sample overpowered the researchers and fled the lab. The FBI has issued an all-points-bulletin for the VP's feces, warning that it could be armed and dangerous.
Stay tuned for further news as this story develops.