Cindy McCain is Pregnant!

Would be First Lady has potential First Baby

ST PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS -- In the capper to a day of stunning disclosures from the McCain campaign, would-be first lady Cindy McCain announced that she too is with child.

The 55-year-old beer heiress was thought to be well past child-bearing age and surprised both campaign staff and her husband with her announcement. However, she said she was determined to remain a svelte size five throughout the term, with the help of amphetamines.

"John doesn't spend all his time campaigning," Cindy McCain said, winking. "The surge worked."

When asked about the pregnancy, Senator McCain seemed puzzled and replied he wasn't actually sure of how many children he had, you would have to ask his wife.

Earlier in the evening, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska announced that Bristol Palin, her unmarried 17 year old daughter, is five months pregnant. This put something of a damper on Internet-fueled rumors that Trig, Palin's four-month-old, is really Bristol's child.

"I guess that abstinence program we had her on didn't take," Palin said with a shrug.

The Palin camp announced that 14-year-old daughter Willow is not yet pregnant, but has a hot date for next Friday night, so anything's possible.

In response, an aide to Barack Obama's campaign declined to talk about either candidate's family, but assured voters that the candidate and his wife Michelle continue to have a robust sex life using appropriate birth control measures. He then mouthed the words "four times a night -- seriously" but refused to take any questions.