Global Economic Crisis is Over, say Experts
Public humiliation of Jim Cramer credited for biggest surge since 1997
By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList
NEW YORK -- The world markets heaved a collective sigh of relief this morning as the global economic crisis was declared officially over, thanks to last week's smack down of television pundit Jim Cramer by television pundit Jon Stewart.
"It was a good old fashioned ass whuppin," said one analyst. "Who knew that's all it would take?"
The Dow soared 900 points on the news that Cramer had been taken down a peg, while the Nikkei Index climbed 12 percent in a single day's trading.
As a result, MSNBC announced it has canceled the public flaying of money honey Maria Bartiromo, scheduled for later this week.
Stock vs Schtick
In a highly anticipated grudge match, the suave but short satirist pummeled the dangerously unbalanced stock tout with questions, video clips, and barely restrained moral outrage, while Cramer cowered in a corner clutching a dog-eared copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul of Morally Bankrupt Hedge Fund Managers.
"Jim Cramer was almost entirely responsible for the market collapse, the rampant fraud, and Ponzi schemes across Wall Street," noted an influential banker who asked to remain anonymous. "He also personally approved billions in bonuses for corrupt AIG officials. Now that he's out of the picture, we can get back to doing what we do best -- investing pensioner's life savings in dangerously over-inflated 'securities' while lining our pockets."
According to sources contacted by The WitList, Wall Street is nearing completion of the Trans-Financial Pipeline, a multi-billion-dollar project that will siphon money directly from taxpayers' pockets into the accounts of the Street's wealthiest humans, bypassing the IRS entirely.
"The pipeline will correct inefficiencies in the market and put the money where it really belongs: In the hands of the people who already have most of it," said the source. "Otherwise, it will just end up being frittered away on groceries and medical bills. For our economy to be strong, we need to put brokers before home owners -- or as we like to put it, 'bro's before ho's'."