Friday, October 24, 2008

Assaulted McCain Campaign Worker Turns Other Cheek

Vows to forgive herself for vicious attack, but still blames Obama

PITTSBURGH, PA -- A McCain volunteer who claims to have been carved up by an Obama supporter has changed her story.

Ashley Todd admitted to police that she was in fact her own assailant. The 20-year-old campaign worker from Texas says she pinned herself to the ground, verbally abused herself, punched herself in the eye, and carved a capital B into her right cheek with a paper clip.

The fact that the B had been carved backwards, as if done while looking in a mirror, was a clue that her original story was perhaps not all that it seemed, noted police officials.

Since Todd's confession six more McCain campaign volunteers have come forward with claims that they too were forced into self mutilation by the Obama campaign. Several sported large B's and O's on various parts of their faces; one victim claimed she had endured three hours of torture forceful interrogation while she patiently carved "Hussien" into her own buttocks, then crossed it out and started over when she realized she'd misspelled it.

The McCain campaign pledged immediate assistance, offering to donate a $4,000 Donna Karen tweed jacket and three pairs of $1000 Versace pumps to each of the hapless victims, provided they were all a size 6.

McCain spokesperson Joe T. Plumber blamed the Obama campaign for the outrage.

"Only real Americans in real America would carve themselves up like Halloween pumpkins to fight the terrorist Barack Hussein Obama," noted Plumber. "If not for Barack Obama's campaign, these patriots would not have been forced to endure this punishment."

In other news: Barack Obama received yet another unexpected endorsement from a leading Republican today when Senator John McCain declared that he too would be voting for the Democratic candidate.

McCain's nod adds to endorsements by former Bush Secretary of State Colin Powell, former Republican governor of Massachusetts William Weld, and former McCain advisor Charles Fried.

"I was for Obama before I was against him," said the aging ex POW. "A lot of people don't remember that."


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