McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements
Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause
By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList
WASHINGTON, DC -- Following Dick Cheney's rousing endorsement of John McCain for president last weekend, a number of the vice president's colleagues have come out in favor of Senator McCain during the waning moments of the campaign.
Austin Powers nemesis Dr. Evil says he can think of "a MILLION reasons" why people should vote for McCain. (He later revised this to "a BILLION reasons.") However, diminutive sidekick Mini Me said he's voting for Ron Paul as a write-in candidate. It's a height thing, Me explained.
The International Union of Evil Doers has been running a phone bank during the last week of the campaign, urging Americans to ignore their better history and focus on their more genocidal tendencies, says Lex Luthor, spokes-villain for the organization.
"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.
Freddy Krueger, of Nightmare on Elm Street fame, says he also favors the GOP. Though technically not corporeal, Krueger says he would be able to vote if someone falls asleep inside a voting booth and dreams of him.
The Crypt Keeper, currently retired and living in Florida, said he always looked up to John McCain as a kind of spiritual older brother. The GOP ticket also picked up endorsements from Cruella da Ville, Darth Vader, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Voldemort.
In related news: Former Enemy No. 1 Osama Bin Laden has emerged from hiding to explain the lack of an October Surprise video during this election cycle. Poll watchers had been eagerly anticipating Bin Laden's quadrennial effort to scare the U.S. electorate into voting Republican. Speaking through his publicist, Bin Laden said, 'We ran the numbers and just didn't see the ROI. I don't think even I could swing this thing for McCain. Talk to me again in 2012."