Monday, October 24, 2011

My official apology to the Tea Party

After careful consideration, and too much time spent arguing with the dregs of the Drudge Report, I have decided I owe the Tea Party and its thousands of mouth-breathing members an apology after all. In fact, I owe them several apologies. But probably not the ones they're looking for. Here goes.

Dear Tea Party:

I'm sorry you seem to lack a sense of humor. Because you are a source of great amusement to the rest of us.

I'm sorry you feel the US Constitution is under attack, even though most of you have never read it, those of you who have read it don't seem to understand it, and the rest of you have trouble spelling the word "Constitution."

I'm sorry all you Real Americans have to put up with all us Fake Americans, even though our ancestors all came here from the same places at more or less the same times and we all do more or less the same things every day. That must be really irritating to you.

I'm sorry you may have to vote for a black guy after all. Lucky for you he's even a more of a reactionary bigot than many of you. Just pretend he's another white guy wearing blackface, it will go down easier.

I'm sorry Sarah's not running. That would be really fun to watch. And then just really sad.

I'm sorry the Mexicans want to flood our borders and steal all those high-paying jobs busing tables, picking lettuce, cleaning houses and mowing lawns. I'm sorry you don't get the chance to do all of those fun things.

I'm sorry you missed the parts in American History class about how the founding fathers did not actually end slavery or that Paul Revere warned the colonists, not the British. Also that bit in the Constitution about no state imposed religions. Facts just suck sometimes, don't they?

I'm sorry Wal-Mart is forced to pay minimum wage. People should be paying them just for the privilege of working there. I'm sure if your guy wins he'll find a way to kill the minimum wage. I understand slavery is making a big comeback.

I'm sorry there's no spellchecker for protest placards.

I'm sorry that 47% of Americans are too poor to pay Federal Income Tax. If they were really smart and ambitious they'd be too rich to pay Federal Income Tax.

I'm sorry the rich have to pay any taxes at all. I'm sure if your guy gets elected next time they'll take care of that.

I'm sorry for Welfare, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and every other government program that keeps the poor, the sick, and the elderly off the street. Because that's what America needs more than anything -- streets full of poor sick old people.

I'm sorry God loves only you. On the other hand, think how overcrowded Heaven would be if all of us got to go.

I'm sorry that if Jesus were on earth today He'd take one look at you and run screaming in the opposite direction. Hey, you did ask What would Jesus do?, didn't you? I can't lie about Jesus.

I'm sorry Obama's long-form birth certificate isn't long enough or formal

enough for you. Maybe they make an extra long extra formal one.

I'm really really sorry about Donald Trump's hair. It must be embarrassing for you to be on the same side with someone whose head looks like an orangutan's ass.

I'm sorry the streets are filled with angry protestors who hate America, employing the same tactics (and Constitutional rights) as angry protestors who love America, because aside from the lack of grammatical errors on their signs it's kind of hard to tell the difference.

I'm sorry we elected a Socialist Muslim Nigerian as president. I'm even sorrier some of you truly believe that.

I'm sorry Joe McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover aren't still around. They'd be proud of you. The rest of us? Not so much.


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