The Religious Right's Secret Agenda

Amazingly, this memo totally escaped the notice of the mainstream media…

From: American Association of Evangelicals
To: K. Rove, D. Cheney
Re: The President’s Agenda

Thanks for asking our help in setting the agenda for the President’s triumphant second term. Here’s what we propose:

1. Tax reform is Job #1. We propose to do away with a “progressive” tax based on income and instead levy tax according to peoples’ intelligence. Using a base tax rate of 10 percent, individuals will be taxed at 2% of their income for every IQ point above 100. Those with IQs registering less than three digits—as well as corporate executives and government officials living more than 30 miles from any US coastline--will be eligible for tax credits. This will be informally known as the “Jew Tax.”

2. Freedom of speech is an essential part of our democracy. To preserve Americans’ rights to political dissent, we propose establishing a national free speech zone in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Anyone disagreeing with administration policy will be provided a free one-way ticket to the FSZ.

3. Along with banning the teaching of evolution, the Bush administration should eradicate all junk science from our nation’s schools—including the global warming myth, the dinosaur fallacy, and the deluded belief in a heliocentric solar system.

4. September will hereafter be known as National Velveeta Month.

5. Americans will be prohibited from using words in excess of three syllables or sentences using more than one dependent clause in public settings. However, individuals will be free to use such phrases in the privacy of their own homes or during their daily “quiet time” with the Creator.

6. Just as sexual orientation is a choice, so is clothing. Men should be prohibited from wearing pastels or referring to any article of apparel as “an accessory.” Women will be required to wear skirts at least three inches below the knee and heels not less than 2 inches in height, except during certain activities such as bowling.

7. Starting in fiscal year 2005, the entire budget for the National Endowment for the Arts will be devoted to works involving macrame.

8. We support a Constitutional amendment defining “sex” as an act between a man and a woman involving genital-to-genital contact and lasting not more than two minutes. “Deviant sex” will be defined as any position in which the man is not on top or moves in a manner suggestive of disco dancing. This will not be tolerated.

9. The potential for election fraud could undermine the very foundation of our government. Thus we propose doing away with all ballots, both paper and electronic. Instead, federal officials will be elected by proclamation. All in favor say “Aye.” All those opposed, please see agenda item #2.