Call on me, Scott -- Call on me!

Another day, another fake conservative journalist gets outed. This time it's a blogger who goes by the name Jeff Gannon but whose real name is James Dale Guckert, and whose sole purpose in life has been to regurgitate White House press releases for a GOP-friendly Web site and be called on by the White House to ask suckass questions in times of press stress.

A week after the Boston Globe first reported Gannon/Guckert's false creds, pressure from bloggers forced Gannon to resign, but not until after they'd uncovered a fair amount of dirt about the guy, including a string of gay porno sites he apparently owned. The New York Times also reported that Gannon/Guckert was leaked memos exposing Valerie Plame as a CIA operative. Pretty impressive access for a fake journalist/pornapreneur using a phony name.

What does this mean? That there's an opening for a White House reporter at Talon News. Naturally I couldn't pass up this opportunity. So here's a copy of the application I just sent to Talon News this morning.

TO: Dr. Robert R. Eberle, Editor in Chief, Talon News
CC: Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary
RE: Job Application

Dear Bob:

With the resignation of Jeff Gannon (aka James Dale Guckert) of Talon News, I understand there is now an opening for Designated White House Press Corps Suckass (DWHPCS). I’d like to apply for the job. Not only do I have far more actual journalism experience than Mr. Gannon/Guckert, but I can ask mewling, sycophantic questions with the best of them.

Here are some of the questions I’d ask, if I had the job:

• Which twin is truly America’s sweetheart, Jenna or Barbara?
  
  
• Should people who opposed the Iraq’s relentless march toward freedom and democracy be declared terrorists and sent to Guantanamo Bay, or should they simply be shot on sight?
  
  
• Condi Rice always looks fabulous. What does she use to style her hair?
  
  
• Many people in this country who hate freedom and side with terrorists have had the audacity to criticize President Bush’s plan to rescue Social Security. Where do these people think they get the right to talk like that?
  
  
• Is it pronounced “Collin” (as in Collin Ferrell) Powell or “Colon” (as in the lower intestine) Powell?
  
  
• How does the President maintain his cool and easy-going ways when dealing with Democrats who are completely out of touch with reality and hate everything this country is about?
  
  
• Is Donald Rumsfield the greatest Secretary of Defense in our nation’s history, or merely in the top three?
  
  
• Finally, would Vice President Cheney be available for any modeling assignments for my Web site, BulgingVPstud.com?

I hope you’ll call on me to be the next DWHPCS. I already have a fake name picked out—JJ Goebbels. I think it has a nice, manly ring, don’t you?

I look forward to your response.