I’m Brain Dead and I Vote

Associated Press

March 25, 2005

WASHINGTON -- The Republicans’ all-out-effort to save Terri Schiavo may have been driven as much by electoral politics as by a valiant attempt to save one woman’s life, sources speculate.

A CNN/Gallup poll of the more than 30,000 Americans diagnosed as being in a persistent vegetative state has revealed that over 97% of them voted for Bush- Cheney in 2004.

According to Federal Election Commission records, the RNC spent more than $4.1 million in get-out-the-vote efforts aimed at coma victims, largely on rental fees for ambulances, gurneys, and wheelchairs, as well as notary fees for durable powers-of-attorney.

Many brain-dead Bush supporters were brought out of their hospital beds to attend GOP rallies in the key swing states of Ohio and Florida.

“The hardest part was getting them to sign loyalty oaths,” said one Bush volunteer. “We had to duct tape the pens to their hands and trace the letters for them.”

RNC chairman Ken Mehlman says the party is willing to go all out to keep these people alive through the mid-term elections in 2006, if not the next presidential contest in 2008.

“Terri Schiavo was just the beginning,” Mehlman said. “We are fully prepared to pass 30,000 new laws to protect these brave Americans’ right to vote—and to live, of course.”