Monday, March 21, 2005

A Republican Guide to the Sanctity of Life

After an extraordinary late-night Congressional session, President George W. Bush signed a bill allowing Federal judges to review Terri Schiavo's right-to-life case.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman F. James Sensenbrenner, Jr. (R-Wis.) insisted that individuals can continue to lead vibrant, productive lives after entering a persistent vegetative state. He cited the example of Senator Strom Thurmond, who entered a vegetative state in 1978 but continued to serve another 25 years in Congress.

"Among the God-given gifts protected by the Constitution, no right is more sacred than the right to life," declared Sensenbrenner. "In our deeds and public actions, we must build a culture of life that welcomes and defends all human life."

In a news conference following the vote, Republican Party officials explained that while all life is sacred, some lives are more sacred than others. The precise amount of sanctity each life contains depends on a complex formula involving religious affiliation, lifestyle choices, and voter registration records. To eliminate confusion, the RNC has issued a chart:

MORE SACRED: Unborn Babies
LESS SACRED: Welfare Babies

MORE SACRED: Occupants of terminal wards in hospitals
LESS SACRED: Occupants of death row

MORE SACRED: Innocent civilians tortured, maimed, or killed by Saddam Hussein
LESS SACRED: Innocent civilians tortured, maimed, or killed by Americans

MORE SACRED: Insurance and pharmaceutical executives
LESS SACRED: Victims of Asbestos, Dioxin, Vioxx, and other deadly chemicals

MORE SACRED: Americans with annual incomes in excess of $1 million a year
LESS SACRED: George Soros

MORE SACRED: Christians

The RNC plans to reproduce the chart on laminated 3-by-5-inch cards and distribute them to police, US occupation forces, and the handful of Federal judges who haven't been appointed by Republican administrations.

"There are bigger issues at stake than merely Terri Schiavo's life," said a party spokesperson. "We're talking about the political lives of Republican representatives all over the country. We cannot allow someone's personal tragedy or our traditional support for a smaller Federal government stand in the way of scoring political points."


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