Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Let Us Now Praise Old Jewish Men

This just kills me.

Jeff (Jim) Gannon (Guckert), apparently starved for media attention despite his claims of persecution at the hands of liberal bloggers, deigned to grant an interview to the New York Times a couple of days ago. It is not to be missed.

Here’s my favorite part:

NY Times: Scott McClellan, the press secretary to President Bush, called on you and allowed you to ask questions on a nearly daily basis. What, exactly, is your relationship with him?

I was just another guy in the press room. Did I try to curry favor with him? Sure. When he got married, I left a wedding card for him in the press office. People are saying this proves there is some link. But as Einstein said, "Sometimes a wedding card is just a wedding card.''

NY Times: You mean like "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar''? That wasn't Einstein. That was Freud.

Oh, Freud. O.K. I got my old Jewish men confused.

NY Times: You should learn the difference between them if you want to work in journalism.

Damn straight. God knows we need more male prostitutes in the journalism racket, if only to balance out raging sluts like Ann Coulter and Maggie Gallagher.

So to help Jeff (Jim) out, here’s my Pocket Guide to Old Jewish Men:

Moses: Robes, long beard, messianic complex. Tended to get lost for 40 years at a stretch. Last seen carrying two stone tablets toward a burning bush. Looks a lot like Charlton Heston. Not to be confused with Moses Malone, who averaged 21 points per game in a 20-year NBA career.

Jesus H. Christ: Not old by today’s standards, but back then 33 was pushing it. Messianic complex. Tended to bleed in strange places. Continues to be a big hit with Christian Caucasians, though he was neither. Looks only slightly like Charlton Heston.

Bob Dylan: Actual name, Robert Zimmerman. Singer. Wears eyeliner. Messianic complex. Can’t really carry a tune, but plays a mean harmonica. Doesn’t look a thing like Charlton Heston.

All other Old Jewish Men are pretty much a variation on one of these three, so if you memorize this trio you’re all set. Bet you didn’t realize being a journalist could be so easy.


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