Rove Responds to Critics

As part of a publicity campaign to boost President Bush’s sagging popularity, senior adviser Karl Rove recently conducted an interview with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. However, some questions and answers didn’t make it onto the final broadcast. We’ve obtained a transcript of the material that was not shown. The answers are illuminating. – Editor.

Q. In a recent speech to the New York Conservative Party, you claimed that “liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.” But no one ever said anything like this, while Democrats in Congress voted overwhelmingly to support the war in Afghanistan and pass the Patriot Act. Top Democratic officials have called for your resignation. How do you respond?

A. First, let me say that despite wielding enormous power, I have never been elected to any office. I serve at the pleasure of the President. So the Democrats can kiss my ass. Furthermore, we have no plans to relinquish power in 2008, so I’m not going anywhere. I got a drunken ex-frat boy with the IQ of a fencepost elected president. In my business, that’s what’s known as “job security.”

Q. During the Bush presidency, the US suffered the most devastating attack in its history. Osama Bin Laden continues to roam free, terrorist attacks worldwide are up more than 300%, US ports and airports are no more secure than they were before 9/11, and Iraq has become a virtual Petri dish for terrorists. How can you say the Bush administration is winning the war on terror?

A. Let me just say this: We crap bigger than the Democrats. They can’t be trusted to protect our country from the threat of global terrorism. They’re mincing little fairies wearing diapers and crying in the corner while we fight the bad guys. And I might add, all of us are exceedingly well hung. It’s not just Dick Cheney.

Q. The Red Cross, Amnesty International, and the UN have all condemned the United States for detaining and torturing innocent people, including shackling them to the floor and denying them access to water and toilets. How do you respond to these charges?

A. Some people call that torture; I call it an average weekend in New York. The fact is, we’re in a war to protect the freedom and dignity of American citizens, which means denying the freedom and dignity of others. There’s only so much of that stuff to go around, and we need it more than they do. If you have a problem with that, we still have plenty of room at Guantanamo.

Q. Rumors have circulated that alleged reporter and former male prostitute Jeff Gannon was given special access privileges to the White House in order to service your needs. Would you care to comment?

A. Let me state for the record: I did not have sex with that man. The GOP handbook explicitly defines sex as “an act between a married man and a woman.... lasting not more than two minutes.” So being trussed up with pantyhose and crying out ‘Spank me daddy, spank me!’ is not sex. But it can be a lot of fun.